Jane:

You owe me hugely for this, Morgendorffer.

Daria:

We agreed.?You get half the proceeds, plus a ten-dollar bonus because you met the parents.?We shook on it.

Jane:

We agreed on the monetary settlement, dear.

Tad:

I like having you here, Jane.?You’re fun to color with.

Tricia:

I never knew crayons could do neat things like that.

Jane:

It works better on an electric stove.

Tad:

Natural gas is a cleaner energy source.

Daria:

You both remember the rules from last time, right?

Tad and Tricia:

“We didn’t hear about it from you.?/p>

Daria:

Where did you hear about it?

Tad and Tricia:

“The neighbor’s TV.?/p>

Daria:

Very good.

The kids, resplendent in pajamas featuring various endangered species, jump into bed.

Tricia:

Could you tell us a story tonight?

Tad:

I want to hear Cinderella!

Tricia:

We’ve heard that a hundred times, Tad!?It’s Quinn’s favorite story.

Jane:

I suspect that the fate of Cinderella’s sisters plays into that.

Daria:

Or having a magical fairy help her dress for a party.

Tad:

I want to hear Cinderella.

Tricia:

Tad, we hear that story all the time!

Tad:

But I want to hear it the way Daria tells it!

Tricia:

Yeah!?Daria, could you tell us the real story of Cinderella?

Daria:

I told you last time:?Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president.

Tad:

Come on, Daria, we know you can do better than that.

Daria:

(rolls eyes)?Jane?? Help me out here?

Jane:

It starts like this:?Once upon a time?/p>

Daria:

Jane, I know where you sleep, and I can cut you.

Tad and Tricia:

Pleeeeease?

Daria:

Oh, okay.

Tad and Tricia:

Yay!!

Daria:

(VO) Once upon a time ?o:p>

Jane:

(VO) Tuesday, specifically.

Daria:

?there was a kingdom nestled among green valleys.?Like most kingdoms, this one had an artificial class structure which pretty much determined from moment one of your life whether you’d be royalty, or whether you’d spend your days crawling in the dirt competing with rats for food.

Jane:

A tradition carried on to this very day in high schools across the nation.

Daria:

Our story concerns one of these dirt-scrabblers.?She lived with her stepmother and stepsisters, who had fallen prey to the stereotype that has plagued non-traditional families ever since by being mean and nasty to the poor girl.?Her name was ?

Jane:

Quinnderella.

Quinn appears on the scene, lugging a bucket of water from the well.? She’s dressed very unfashionably in a plain maid’s dress.

Daria:

Jane, you’re on very thin ice.

Jane:

Come on, Daria, let’s have a little fun with this story.

Daria:

Just for that, I’m going to write a story where you and Kevin run away together.

Jane:

Anyway, Quinnderella was compelled to work like a slave from sunup until sundown so that her stepsisters could concentrate on being popular and fashionable.?Her stepmother was simply a lazy cow way past her prime.

Linda:

(OS) Quinnderella!?Get in here right now!

Quinnderella runs into the house, sloshing water all the way.

Linda:

Where the hell have you been, you little wench??I’ve been waiting almost three and a half minutes for that water.?I was beginning to think you’d fallen in, but I knew I couldn’t be so blessed.

Quinnderella:

But stepmo-OM, it’s so far to the well and the bucket’s so heavy and my shoes are ruined from coming through that muddy garden ?/p>

Linda:

Stop that godawful whining!?Sometimes I really don’t know why we keep you around.?Now, get that water on the fire and start heating it to exactly ninety-seven degrees for my footbath this instant, or I’ll give you something to whine about!

Quinnderella:

Yes, stepmother. (sigh)

Linda:

And when you’re done with that, get another bucket in here so you can scrub up that mess you made with your muddy shoes.

Quinnderella:

Yes, stepmother. (quietly) Bitch.

Jane:

But, as awfully as Quinnderella was treated by her stepmother, it couldn’t compare to the treatment she got from her stepsisters.

Daria:

Because everyone knows, parents can push you only so far.? Real torture requires a sibling.

Sandi:

Quinnderella!?Quinnderella!!!?Ooh, she’s going to pay for this one.

Stacy:

What did she do this time?

Sandi:

It’s my shoes!?They’re supposed to be lined up in order from pinkest to not-pinkest, and they’re clearly lined up according to how blue they are!

Tiffany:

That is sooooo wrong?/p>

Sandi:

Tell me about it.?Just wait until I get my hands on her.

Quinnderella:

(coming up the stairs)?I’m coming!?I’m coming! (bursts into the room, hanging onto the doorframe for balance) What ?pant ?what is it, dear stepsister?

Sandi:

Quinnderella, just look at the mess in this closet.

Quinnderella:

What’s wrong with it?

Sandi:

Stacy, please enlighten Quinnderella as to what is wrong.

Stacy:

(consults notes) Ummm?Sandi thinks that her shoes aren’t sorted right.

Quinnderella:

But I did sort them, Sandi, I swear!

Sandi:

Quinnderella, I distinctly remember what I asked you to do with my shoes.?Perhaps you weren’t paying attention at the time.

Quinnderella:

But I did, Sandi, I sorted them from pinkest to non-pinkest just like you said!

Sandi:

Are you implying, Quinnderella, that I can’t tell when my shoes are sorted properly and when they are not??Or are you suggesting that there’s a better way to sort them?

Quinnderella:

Oh, Sandi, I would never suggest that!

Sandi:

Then perhaps you could explain what you see in the closet that somehow my sisters and I are unable to see?

Quinnderella:

I sorted them with the very pinkest shoes here on the left side, and all the way down here on the right side are the very not-pinkest shoes?see?

Sandi:

Mm.?I see.?Well, that explains it then.?(Sandi tips the large shoe rack over so that the shoes are spilled all over the floor)?I would prefer to have them go right to left, if you don’t mind.?Make sure it’s done by tonight, I have an important rendezvous tonight with Lord Schuyler.

Quinnderella:

Yes, Sandi.?(she gets on her hands and knees and begins to pick up the shoes)

Tiffany:

I’m having a rendezvous too? make sure my blue dress is ready for me?/p>

Quinnderella:

Of course, Tiffany.

Stacy:

Uh?Quinnderella, if it’s not too much trouble, I?could-you-do-my-hair-for-me-tonight-thank-you.?(Stacy leaves the room to join Sandi just outside)

Sandi:

Stacy, what have I told you about keeping Quinnderella in her place?

Stacy:

I’m sorry, Sandi!?I’ll try harder, I promise!

Sandi:

See that you do.

Tiffany:

Yeah?/p>

Stacy:

Eep!

Quinnderella:

-sigh-

Jane:

This was pretty much a typical day for Quinnderella.?But it wasn’t a typical day for the rest of the kingdom.

Daria:

You see, The King was getting ready to retire, having been worn out from years of comfort, elegance, rich food and wine, luxury, and the responsibility of running the kingdom.

Jane:

He was ready to move on to the comfort, elegance, rich food and wine, and luxury and let someone else handle the hard part for a while.

Daria:

Just so you know in advance, Jane, if you make Trent the Prince, I will kill you with your own putty knife.

Jane:

Set up Quinn with Trent??Please, he has more taste than that.

Daria:

Anyway, the King ?o:p>

Daria:

?called his sons to him to inform them of their upcoming responsibilities.

DiMartino:

WHERE are those WORTHLESS little MORONS that I somehow managed to SPAWN?

O’Niell:

(approaching from behind) Your Highness, please consider your royal blood pressure!?The young princes will be along in a moment, I sent the Captain of the Guard after them not half an hour ago?Oh dear, that is rather a long time, isn’t it.

DiMartino:

Let me get this straight.?You sent WHO to get my IDIOT SONS?

Kevin:

(in full captain’s uniform with shoulder armor) Hey, did I hear someone call for me??I’m the Captain.

DiMiartino:

I assume, Captain, that your total lack of CONCERN over your own PERSONAL WELL BEING indicates that you’ve CARRIED OUT my Prime Minister’s INSTRUCTIONS ?and brought those three CRETINS who were, by some chance, born with royal BLOOD (eye pops out fiercely) in their veins???

Kevin:

Umm?nope.

DiMartino:

Captain?let us PRAY that our kingdom is never ATTACKED by anyone, thus COMPELLING you to actually LEAD an ARMY into BATTLE to DEFEND US!!

Kevin:

Sure thing, King!?Hey?that rhymed!?Cool.

O?Niell:

(Before DiMartino can have a stroke) Oh, here they are, your majesty!

(sound of breaking glass offscreen)

Princes:

(arguing together) Hey, that was probably expensive!?Well, you knocked it over!?No I didn’t it was him!!?I didn’t go near the thing!

DiMartino:

SONS!!?Get OVER here!!

Enter - Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, each wearing typical 15^th century royal outfits, with fencing swords at their sides.?Each of them has hair something like Prince Valiant ?meaning Jamie actually doesn’t look any different than usual.

Jeffy:

Hey, Dad, did you need something?

Joey:

Only can you make it quick, ‘cause, like, there’s some milkmaids in the back garden waiting for us.

Jamie:

Hot ones, too!

DiMartino:

Boys ?surely it hasn’t escaped your ATTENTION, limited as it may be, that you’re all about to turn EIGHTEEN this year.

J’s:

Yeah!?Cool!?Rocks!

DiMartino:

AND, by the LAW of the LAND, you must each be MARRIED by your EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY!!

J’s:

Aw, man!?No Way!? Bummer!

DiMartino:

SO?have ANY of you chosen a prospective WIFE yet??

J’s:

Ummm?Well?Errr?/p>

DiMartino:

ARRGH!   I’ll be stuck running this kingdom FOREVER at this rate!!

O’Niell:

Um?Your Majesty, I have a suggestion?/p>

DiMartino:

(Fixing a rabid-dog glare on O’Niell) WHAT!!

O’Niell:

Eep!?I mean, Sire ?it strikes me that what your sons need is to get to know the women of the kingdom, and build close, nurturing relationships with the women they may choose ?women from outside the castle walls.

DiMartino:

(a little calmer ?just a little, though) AND?

O’Niell:

Oh!?And, so why don’t we arrange a ball!?And invite all the maidens of the kingdom to attend.?Surely, with your entire kingdom to choose from, they can find suitable brides.

DiMartino:

(sits back and thinks) Prime Minister, you may be ON to something!

O’Niell:

Wonderful!?I’ll have invitations printed right away.?Captain?

Kevin:

I’m the Captain!

O’Niell:

See to it that the word is spread throughout the land:?There will be a ball a fortnight hence here at the castle.?All marriage-eligible maidens must attend.

Kevin:

Huh?

Joey:

Invite all the babes in the kingdom to a party.

Jeffy:

In two weeks.

Jamie:

At our place.

Kevin:

Cool! (leaves)

DiMartino:

Explain to me again exactly WHY he’s in charge of ANYTHING around here?

Daria:

Naturally, the obvious solution to all the troubles in the kingdom was to throw a party.?So, The Brave Captain of the Guard set forth to spread the word to all the fair maidens of the land.

Jane:

He traveled far and wide, over hill and dale, through forest and plain.

Daria:

Until he found his way back to the castle, asked for directions, and set out toward the village instead of away from it.

Brittany:

Prithee, noble sir, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

Kevin:

Hey babe, wanna go to a party?

Brittany:

Oooo, a party!?I can’t wait!?But, with whom shall I go to the ball?

Kevin:

You can go with me, Babe!?I’m the Captain of the Guard!

Brittany:

Sounds great!?(she grabs him and starts sucking face)

Daria:

And so, the Captain of the Guard ?o:p>

Kevin:

That’s me!

Daria:

distributed invitations to all the people in the kingdom.

Sandi:

So, it’s agreed.?In order to present the finest possible appearance, we will cinch our corsets an additional quarter inch.

Tiffany:

Doooes this corset make me look faaaat?

Sandi:

Of course not, Tiffany.?The entire point of a corset is to make you look thin!

Tiffany:

Ooohhh.

Stacy:

Um?Sandi, it’s kind of hard to breathe as it is.?Don’t you think we’re taking this a little too far?

Sandi:

Let me show you something.?Quinnderella!

Quinnderella:

(Looks up from her scrubbing) Yes, dear stepsister?

Sandi:

Stand up for a moment.?(she does)?Now, take a look sisters.?Here we have an excellent example of what happens when you let yourself go.? Notice the dishpan hands, the droopy expression, the muddy shoes.?And, most importantly, the lack of a proper corset.

The girls look Quinnderella up and down.?Standing in her plain maid’s dress, her hands dripping with soapy water, she’s not exactly at her best.?She does have bouncy hair, however.

Sandi:

Do you want this to happen to you?

Stacy & Tiffany:

No! (Stacy looks a little guilty about it)

Sandi:

All right then.?Quinnderella, I believe you have some important scrubbing to do?

Quinnderella sighs, gets back on her hands and knees, and continues scrubbing.

A knock on the door perks her up.

Linda:

(Walking in from offscreen) Now, who could that be.?Quinnderella, I don’t hear scrubbing!

Linda opens the door to reveal Kevin

Kevin:

(ducking) Don’t hit me!?Er, I mean, Good day, my lady.?Are you the mistress of this household?

Linda:

What do you want?

Kevin:

I’m the Captain of the Guard!

pause

Linda:

And?/p>

Kevin:

Oh!?And, I need to invite all the maidens in the house to a huge party at the castle.

(sound of many feet coming to the door.?Sandi, Tiffany, and Stacy poke their heads around the doorframe expectantly)

Sandi:

Party?

Stacy:

At the Castle?

Tiffany:

Cooool?/p>

Kevin:

Why, yes, my ladies.?I have invitations here for all of you.?See, the princes need to get married, or something, and they want to check out all the babes in the kingdom to decide who they want to shack up with.? The King told me to invite everyone!?

Stacy:

Even the unpopular maidens?

Kevin:

I don’t know, do you have any?

Linda:

(snatching the invitations and talking quickly) No, no one else here at all, just me and my three girls.?Well, I’m sure you’re busy, ta-ta, see you at the castle! (she starts to close the door)

In a rare moment of clarity, Kevin catches a glimpse of red hair beyond the door.

Kevin:

Hey, who’s that chick?

Quinnderella turns to see what the commotion is about

Linda:

Oh, that’s just the maid, she can’t go to the ball.

Kevin:

I don’t know?the King said to invite everyone?/p>

Linda:

I’ll invite her for you.?Go away.? (she slams the door in Kevin’s face)

Kevin:

(muffled, coming from outside) Oww!?Man, this job sucks!

Quinnderella:

Who was that?

Linda:

Quinnderella!?Scrubbing!

Sandi:

Mother!?All my dresses are hideous!?They are, like, so last season!?I can’t go to the ball in any of these!

Stacy:

I can’t do a thing with my hair!

Tiffany:

Does this dress make me look fat?

Linda:

(looking over her shoulder) Ix-nay on the all-bay, girls?/p>

Quinnderella:

(enters, pushing a broom around)?Did I hear something about a ball?

Stacy:

Well ?/p>

Linda:

Yes, there’s an enormous dustball behind the china cabinet.? Off with you now, get it cleaned up!

Quinnderella departs

Linda:

(smacks Sandi on the back of the head) What’s the matter with you?? Do you want more competition at the ball?

Sandi:

Oww!?Mother, she’s just the maid!? What difference could it make if she goes or not?

Linda:

Two words:?Bouncy hair.

Tiffany:

Ooh, she’s right, Sandi.?Quinnderella does have really bouncy hair.

Linda:

But that’s not the point.?The point is, we have a really good chance of scoring one or more princes here, and I don’t want that little wench messing things up.

Stacy:

But, I need Quinnderella to fix my hair!

Sandi:

I need her to adjust my dress!

Tiffany:

I need her to?um?/p>

Sandi:

Finish your sentences?

Tiffany:

Um?/p>

Linda:

Fine, use her however you want.?Just make sure she doesn’t go to that ball!

Daria:

Unbeknownst to the scheming step-people ?o:p>

Jane:

?but, entirely beknownst to us ?o:p>

Daria:

Quinnderella was hanging on every word in the next room.

Jane:

And she was bound and determined to go to that party.?She just needed a loophole, maybe some information from someone not terribly bright who might let something slip in a careless moment.

Stacy:

So I told him, like, I am not that kind of maiden!?I don’t care if he’s the Duke of Earl, I don’t raise my petticoats for any old Sir Loin of Beef who comes along!

Pull out to reveal Quinnderella doing Stacy’s hair

Quinnderella:

Gee Stacy, you really put him in his place.

Stacy:

Gosh, Quinnderella, do you really think so??That’s so?span style="mso-spacerun: yes">?so?but you know what the worst part is??Two weeks later, I saw him courting Sandi!?I can’t believe he would dump me for her!

Quinnderella:

Oh, Stacy, you’re way cuter than Sandi is.

Stacy:

Do you really think so?

Quinnderella:

Well, duh!?And after I finish with your hair, you’ll be the cutest maiden in the entire kingdom!

Stacy:

Oh, I hope so.?After all, all the maidens in the kingdom are going to be at the ball.?I need to make a really great impression.

Quinnderella:

Oh, come on, I don’t think all the maidens will be there.

Stacy:

It’s true!?The invitation said that the king ordered all the maidens in the kingdom to come to the Ball.

Quinnderella:

(evil smirk) Oh?really?

Quinnderella:

But Stepmo-OM, the King ordered all the maidens to come, and I couldn’t disobey the King, could I?

Sandi:

Gee Stacy, I wonder where Quinnderella could have found out something like that?

Stacy:

Eep!

Tiffany:

Um?finish my sentences?

Sandi:

Oh, learn to keep up, Tiffany!?Mother, she can’t go to the ball!

Linda:

But, dear, the King has ordered it.?And we must do what the King says.

Sandi:

But Mother ?/p>

Linda:

Oh, come now, Sandi, don’t you think Quinnderella will look wonderful in a flowing satin gown and tiara, all dressed up properly for the ball?

Quinnderella:

Um, stepmother, I?/p>

Linda:

You do have a gown to wear to the ball, don’t you dear?

Quinnderella:

Well, I was kind of hoping I could borrow one?/p>

Linda:

Oh, but Quinnderella, that would never do!?I really don’t think you would fit into any of the other girls?gowns.?Besides, they’d have the wrong hemline for someone of your body type.?It must be your own.

Quinnderella:

Er?/p>

Sandi:

(finally catching on and smirking wickedly) Of course, you could always wear what you have on.?I hear stable-muck brown is making a comeback.

Jane:

Despite these words of discouragement, Quinnderella was undaunted.

Daria:

It takes a lot more than a few discouraging words to daunt her.

Daria:

Finally, the day of the ball arrived.

Jane:

Nowhere was the ball more eagerly anticipated than the home of Quinnderella.

Sandi:

(offscreen) Quinnderella!?Where the hell are you??I need you to take in my ball gown!

Quinnderella:

-sigh- Coming, dear stepsister?/p>

Sandi:

Thank goodness Master Cashman at the marketplace had this gown.? Green suits me so well, don’t you think?

Quinnderella:

-yawn- Yeah, whatever.

Sandi:

Quinnderella!

Quinnderella:

Huh??What?

Sandi:

Pay attention to what you’re doing!?I said, green suits me so well, don’t you think?

Quinnderella:

Hmm??Oh, Sandi, you look good in anything!

Sandi:

That’s what I thought.

Tiffany:

(offscreen) Quinnderella!

Tiffany:

Pull it tighter, Quinnderella.?I don’t want to look fat.

Quinnderella:

How’s this? (Quinnderella plants a foot on Tiffany’s back and pulls the cords out about three feet.?Tiffany goes red in the face almost immediately.)

Tiffany:

(strained) …perfect?/p>

Quinnderella smiles a bit, then winces as she hears?/h3>

Stacy:

(offscreen) Quinnderella!

Stacy:

Oh, that’s not right either!?Sometimes, I wish I could just put it in a pair of braids and be done with it.

Quinnderella:

(quietly) You and me both.

Stacy:

What?

Quinnderella:

Oh, nothing.?-yawn-?Say, I’ve got an idea?/p>

Linda:

Well, we’ve waited nearly a full minute for Quinnderella.? Obviously the ball’s not very important to her.?Shall we go, girls?

Quinnderella:

(offscreen) Wait!?I’m coming!?I’m ready!

Everyone looks back in astonishment to see Quinnderella coming down the stairs.?She’s dressed in a pink-and-white gown, her hair pulled back and around by Stacy’s clip.?Even hurrying down the stairs, she looks stunning.

Linda:

(astonished) Where ? where did you get that?

Quinnderella:

Oh, this old thing??I just threw it together.

Sandi:

(livid) I know where she got it!?That’s the dress I wore to the Devonshire Ball two years ago!

Stacy:

Hey!?That’s my hair clip!

Sandi:

Give that back!?It’s mine!!?(she grabs the front of Quinnderella’s dress and rips it.?Quinnderella stays mostly covered by the corset)

Tiffany:

Hey?I think that’s my spare corset?(for once, Tiffany’s face attains an actual expression, and it’s not a happy one)

Stacy:

I want my hair clip back!?(she snatches the clip off Quinnderella’s head, and the complicated hairstyle falls apart.)

Tiffany:

(advancing on Quinnderella) Take off (gasps for breath) my corset!

Quinnderella covers herself in terror.

Tiffany:

(appraising the situation)?Nah.? Keep it.?It makes you look fat anyway.

Linda:

Come on girls, we’re off to the ball.

Quinnderella:

But?what about me?

Sandi:

Why don’t you just make a dainty garland for your head and sing?

Everyone leaves except Quinnderella, who looks heartbroken and devastated.

Quinnderella:

God, this is, like, so UNFAIR!?Why don’t I get to go to the ball??I’m so cute!?(She catches her reflection in a window ?hair disheveled, dress ripped, makeup smeared)?Okay, so I’m having a bit of a crisis moment.?Oh, this sucks!

Quinnderella sits down on a wrought-iron bench and pouts.

Quinnderella:

I wish I got to go to the ball?/p>

Helen:

(offscreen, and with an echo)?Then so you shall, Quinnderella?/p>

Quinnderella looks in surprise behind her, and sees Helen emerge from a sparkling cloud of special effects.?She looks like nothing so much as Glinda, the witch of the North from the Wizard of Oz.

Quinnderella:

Who are you??And why are you wearing that sequined gown with lacy straps??That is so fourteenth century!

Helen:

I’m your Fairy Godmother, Quinnderella!?And I’m here to see to it that you get your wish to go to the ball.? Nothing shall stop me from fulfilling your dreams ?(a ringing sound interrupts her) ?one moment?(she flips out a cell phone, the antenna of which ends in a little star like a magic wand)?Hello?? Yes??The Snow White case??Dammit, that was supposed to be settled! (pause) Look, I don’t care if we’re facing a countersuit from the damn dwarves, I’m working on something really important right now! (pause) Well, tell Prince Charming what to go do with himself! (hangs up) Honestly, I haven’t had this much trouble since the whole Sleeping Beauty nightmare?/p>

Quinnderella:

Uh, Fairy Godmom??I still get to go to the ball, right?

Helen:

What was that, dear??Oh, yes, the ball, of course!?Well, first things first, we need to get you some transportation!?Do you have a pumpkin, by any chance?

Quinnderella:

Why?

Helen:

I can turn it into a coach for you.?It’s really quite simple.

Quinnderella:

You want me to ride to the ball in a pumpkin??Eeeww, they’re all full of that icky stuff!

Helen:

Hmm?how about a tomato?

Quinnderella:

Oh God, that would so clash with my hair!

Helen:

A zucchini?

Quinnderella:

What’s with the vegetables??Why can’t you make a coach out of something normal, for God’s sake?

Helen:

Did you have anything in mind?

Quinnderella:

Hmm, let’s see?I know!?How about the bench!?It’s a little messy, but it could be really cute if you could fix it up a bit and maybe make it a nice powdery blue, with a few extra curlicues and ?/p>

Helen:

How’s this??(she waves her cell phone and the bench leaps into the air, acquires wheels, stretches in all directions, and basically transforms into an elegant coach.)

Quinnderella:

Um, it’s nice, but that’s baby blue, not powder blue, and I didn’t mean that many curlicues.

Helen:

(sigh) How about now? (waves wand)

Quinnderella:

Better.?Still not perfect, though.

Helen:

Good!?Now, we’ll need some horses?/p>

Quinnderella:

Sandi took them all.

Helen:

Excuse me, remember magic wand??Just get me some mice, and I’ll ?/p>

Quinnderella:

Eewww!

Helen:

Fine, I’ll just make do with what I’ve got.?(She waves her wand and four eggs come flying out of the nearby chicken house.?They line up two by two in front of the carriage and blossom into four white horses.

Quinnderella:

That’ll do, I suppose.

Helen:

Now we’ll need a driver and a footman?Hmm, do you have a dog about?

Quinnderella:

No.

Helen:

Why can’t anything be easy?

Daria:

Wait until she tries to make Quinnderella happy with a dress.

Jane:

No kidding.

Helen:

I think I just heard someone volunteer?/p>

Daria:

No, wait!

Jane:

Don’t do this, we’re not even supposed to be in this story!

Helen waves her cell phone, and Daria and Jane appear in front of her, resplendent in formal costumes appropriate to a coach driver and footman.

Daria:

No!?Don’t look at me!!!

Jane:

Why not, you were the one who opened her big trap and got us into this.

Quinnderella:

Fairy Godmo-OM!?I can’t go to the ball with these losers!

Daria:

Please listen to her.?She can’t go to the ball with us.

Quinnderella:

At least let me pick out my own dress.?You can’t expect me to just wear any old thing.

Helen:

Well?I don’t know?/p>

Quinnderella:

Great!?(she grabs the cell phone and waves it at herself)?*Presto!*

Quinnderella’s rags transform into a stunningly beautiful white gown, complete with glass slippers and topped with a diamond tiara.

Quinnderella:

Perfect!

Helen:

Give me that! (she snatches her cell phone away) All right, you can keep the dress. ?/span>But make absolutely certain you’re back here by ten o’clock, when all the magic will dissolve and everything will be as it was.

Quinnderella:

Two o’clock.

Helen:

Eleven.

Quinnderella:

One-thirty.

Helen:

Midnight.

Quinnderella:

Done.?Well, let’s go servant girls, we’re off to the ball!?(she hops into the coach).

Daria:

You’ve got to be kidding if you think we’re taking her anywhere.

Jane:

We’re human beings, for God’s sake!?You can’t do this to us!

Helen:

Now Daria, Jane, I need you to both keep an eye on her and make sure she’s back by midnight.

Daria:

Let me think about it.?No.

Helen:

I’ll give you ten gold crowns.

Daria:

Fifty.

Helen:

Twenty.

Daria:

Thirty.

Helen:

Done.

Jane:

Each.

Helen:

(exasperated)?All right, but go on, time’s wasting ?(cell phone rings) Hello??Yes??(pause) Look, she knew he was a Beast when she fell in love with him!

Jane:

And with that, Quinnderella was off to the ball.

Daria:

Shut up and get on the damn coach.

Jane:

What are you complaining about??At least you get to drive.

Daria:

And we all know how good I am at that.

Jane:

As long as we don’t have to parallel park, we should be fine.

Quinnderella:

Come ooooooonnn, we’re going to be late!

Daria:

Fashionably late, let’s hope.

Daria whips the reins, and the coach rolls out of the garden.

Helen:

(on phone)?And another thing, I need the notes on the frog case on my desk tomorrow morning.? Just because the slimy little creep didn’t turn into a prince doesn’t mean she can sue for breach of oral contract?/p>

Joey:

Whoa!?Dudes, check out that chick over there!

Jeffy:

She’s hot!

Jamie:

Yeah!

DiMartino:

(actually smiling) I have to ADMIT, Sir Timothy?this SEEMS to be going WELL so far.

O’Neill:

Oh, I’m so glad you approve, your highness.

DiMartino:

Just so long as nothing goes WRONG ?/p>

Kevin:

(suddenly shows up) Hey guys!?Did I miss anything?

DiMartino:

ARRGH!

Sandi:

(smirking) I could get used to this.

They walk through into the ballroom and take a prominent place on one of the balconies.

Stacy:

Um, Sandi, shouldn’t we be dancing or something?

Sandi:

Of course you can dance if you want to.?I, for one, don’t intend to be dancing with some lowly duke or something when the princes make their rounds.

Tiffany:

Sandi, you’re sooo smart?/p>

Stacy:

(looks crestfallen for a moment, then perks up) Hey, aren’t those the princes up there?

Sandi:

Stacy, don’t point, it’s so geeky!

Tiffany:

Really, Stacy?/p>

Stacy:

Eep!

Upchuck:

(approaching from behind and putting his arms around Sandi and Stacy) ?/span>Well, good evening fair ladies.? Never fear, your Prince Charming is here! –Grrrr?/i>

Sandi:

Tiffany, could you hand me that Mace?

Tiffany reaches offscreen for a moment and comes back with a spiked club.

Sandi:

Thank you.

Upchuck:

F-f-fiesty?/p>

Jamie:

Hey guys, check it out!?There’s three hot maidens down there, one for each of us!

From his point of view, we see that he’s pointing at the Fashion club, having just left Upchuck a crumpled heap on the dance floor

Joey:

Don’t point, Jamie, it’s lame!

Jamie:

Sorry.

Jeffy:

But, dude, he’s right, they’re hot!

J’s

Cool!?All right!?Let’s go!

Kevin:

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Brittany:

(coming up behind Kevin)?Kevie, get back here!?You already have a date!

DiMartino:

Lady BRITTANY, isn’t it?

Brittany:

Yes, Your Majesty!

DiMartino:

My dear?if this mental DWARF ever wants to go AWAY from me, the policy is to LET HIM GO!

Brittany:

But he’s not a dwarf!?He’s man enough for me?/p>

Kevin:

Aw, babe!

DiMartino:

GAAH!?Sir Timothy, come and get me when this BALL is OVER!! (Storms out)

O’Neill:

Oh, dear?/p>

Joey:

Hello, ladies.

Jeffy:

You look hot!

Jamie:

Wanna dance with us?

Sandi:

(smirking) Why, I’d be delighted, your highnesses.?I am the Lady Alexandra, and?oh yes, these are my sisters.

Stacy:

Wow!

Tiffany:

Princes?cool?/p>

The three J’s select a maiden apiece and make their way to the dance floor.

Daria:

Crap.

Jane:

Relax, we made it.?And, no one will identify the coach, it turns back into a bench at midnight.

Quinnderella:

It’s about time, already.?God, you’re the slowest driver in the world.

Daria looks thoughtfully at the whip in her hand, then at Quinnderella, then decides against it.

Quinnderella:

(to Jane) Well?

Jane:

Well, what?

Quinnderella:

You’re supposed to help me down from the coach!

Jane:

Fine.?Give me your hand and I’ll pull you down.

Quinnderella:

Oh, never mind! (with a little difficulty, she gets down from the coach herself)?Now, why don’t you two go off to wherever they’re keeping the other servants, and I’ll call you when I need you! (she makes her way off to the ballroom entrance)

Daria:

You had to make my sister the star of this story, didn’t you?

Jane:

Relax, it’s only until midnight.?And that’s only (checks the clock tower in the distance) Whoa, it’s eleven thirty already?

Daria:

I didn’t drive slowly on accident, you know.

Jane:

Come on.?Let’s go inside.

Daria:

Have you lost your mind?

Jane:

Hey, when are we ever going to get to do this again??Unless you’re planning on us going to the junior prom with Trent and Jesse. (she offers an elbow)

Daria:

-sigh- Lead on, MacDuff. (takes Jane’s elbow with a certain reluctance)

Jane:

That’s the spirit! (they follow Quinnderella up the stairs to the ballroom)

Stacy:

(Dancing with Jeffy) So, how long have you been a prince?

Jeffy:

Um?I don’t know.?As long as I can remember?

Stacy:

Wow!

Tiffany and Jamie waltz into view

Tiffany:

Does this dress make me look fat?

Jamie:

Er?No way!

Tiffany:

Oh?/p>

Enter Sandi and Joey

Sandi:

So, that was how I became the Duchess of Westershire.

Joey:

(looking bored) Oh.

Sandi:

I guess you could say that I’m cut out for the royal life?/p>

As Sandi and Jeffy dance off to one side, they reveal Quinnderella in all her glory, framed by the swords of the honor guard, her dress sparking in a shaft of moonlight that shines through the windows above her.

A collective gasp rises from the assemblage.?The music stops dead and so do the dancers.

J’s:

Whoa?/p>

Quinnderella:

Prince Joey??Prince Jeffy??Prince John??I’m here!

The three J’s drop the fashion club onto the floor in their haste to get to Quinnderella’s side.

Joey:

Hello, lovely maiden!

Jeffy:

Welcome to the ball!

Jamie:

It’s Jamie?wanna dance with me?

Joey:

Hey, I want to dance with her!

Jeffy:

No, me!

They start fighting.

Quinnderella:

Oh your highnesses, stop it!?(smiles)?Oh, this is terrible!

Daria:

Seen enough?

Jane:

I think so.?Let’s wait in the coach.

They exit.

Joey:

Hey, wait up!

Jeffy:

I still want to dance with you!

Jamie:

What’s your name?

Suddenly, Sandi is standing in front of Quinnderella.

Sandi:

(peeved) Yes, what is your name?

Quinnderella:

(nervously) Oh, that which we call a rose by any other name?would still, you know, be a rose.

Sandi:

I see.?And what if she’s a toadstool?

Quinnderella:

You would know better than me, I suppose.?(turns to princes with a smirk) Guys, could one of you get me a glass of sweet wine with just an eensy-weency plate of strawberries?

Jeffy:

I’ll get it for you!

Jamie:

No, me!

Joey:

She was asking me!

The J’s run off.?Sandi stomps off.

A moment later, the princes are back.

Jeffy:

Here you go!

Jamie:

These strawberries are sweeter!

Joey:

This is the good wine!

Quinnderella:

(ignoring the refreshments) ?/span>Great!

J’s:

So, um, do you want to dance?

Quinnderella:

Sure!

Jeffy:

Which one of us?

Quinnderella:

All three, silly!

Joey:

(dancing with Quinnderella for the moment)?You know, the whole reason we’re having this ball is so I can marry the most beautiful woman in the kingdom.

Quinnderella:

Oh, really?

Joey:

I guess what I’m trying to say is ?

Quinnderella:

Hold that thought.?(switches to Jeffy)

Jeffy:

It’s a good thing you’re dancing with me.?I’m not the sort of prince who tries to push a maiden into something she’s not ready for.

Quinnderella:

That’s so sweet!

Jeffy:

Of course, if you are ready, we could always ?/p>

Quinnderella:

Oh, hold on a moment, please? (switches to Jamie)

Jamie:

Will you marry me?

(in the distance, a clock begins to chime)

Quinnderella:

Oh, no!?Prince Jeremy, what time is it?

Jamie:

I’m Prince Jamie.?It’s, uh, almost twelve o’clock.?But what about ?/p>

Quinnderella:

Sorry guys, it’s been fun, gotta go!?(She runs out)

J’s:

Wait!?Stop!?Don’t go!

Quinnderella ducks into the crowd and out the door.

Jeffy:

(pointing at Jamie) You scared her off!

Jamie:

(to Joey) You put too much pressure on her!

Joey:

(to Jeffy) You brought her too many strawberries!

They start fighting again.

Sandi:

(entering with the rest of the fashion club) Guys, we’re still here.

Tiffany:

Guys?/p>

Stacy:

Guys?

The J’s ignore them.

Quinnderella:

Ow!?Servant girls, get the coach over here now!

Daria:

(from the distance) Say please!

Quinnderella:

Ooh!?Please!

The coach pulls up

Daria:

I’m only doing this because it’s how the story goes.

Jane:

Let’s go, missy, time’s a wastin?

Quinnderella:

Just get me home before the spell wears off!

The carriage pulls out in a cloud of dust just as the three J’s come barreling out of the ballroom, with practically the entire kingdom in hot pursuit.

J’s

Come back!

Silence falls as the carriage disappears.

Joey:

Rats.

Jeffy:

Shoot.

Jamie:

Crap.

Sandi:

Oh, that’s too, too bad.?But, we’re still here.

Joey:

My life is over.

Jeffy:

Mine too.

Jamie:

Mine’s more over than either of yours.

Sandi:

Ahem!

O’Neill:

(approaching with the dropped shoe)?Your highnesses!?That maiden who just left ?she dropped this slipper!

Jeffy:

Give it to me!

Joey:

I want it!

Jamie:

No, it’s mine!

They start fighting over the slipper.

Tiffany:

Um?guys?

Stacy:

Guys?

Sandi:

Oh, just forget it.

Quinnderella:

Faster!?Drive faster!

Jane:

Drive slower!?I can’t hold on back here!

Daria:

Why does it matter??This whole thing turns back into lawn furniture and eggs anyway in about five seconds. ?Uh oh.

This last was in response to a wagon up ahead blocking the way.? Daria pulls tight on the reins, dodging around the wagon and sideswiping it off the road.?They leave it in the dust.

Jake:

(the wagon driver) GAH DAMMIT!!

Daria:

(looks back for a moment, then shrugs) Nah.

At that moment, the clock strikes midnight.?–BONG?/h3>

Quinnderella:

Oh no!

–BONG?o:p>

The horses curl up and turn back into eggs, which pelt Daria and Jane.

Daria:

Now my evening’s complete.

–BONG?/i>

Jane:

It’s fine.?It looks?alternative.

–BONG?/i>

Jane:

(vanishing) Oh, thank God.

–BONG?/i>

Daria:

(also vanishing) You said it.

Over the course of the next few –BONGs? the carriage transforms back onto a bench, which slides to a halt a little too suddenly for Quinnderella to hold on.?She does a face-plant into the mud.

Quinnderella:

Ewww!

At the final –BONG? her dress turns back into the sad rags she was wearing before.?She stands up, fluffs her hair, and begins to walk home.

Daria:

And so, Quinnderella returned home, broken-hearted and unfashionably muddy.

Jane:

Daria, how the hell did we get eggs all over us?

Daria:

Better you don’t ask.

DiMartino:

Let me get this STRAIGHT.?You each want to marry the SAME GIRL, but you have NO IDEA WHO or WHERE she IS??

J’s:

Yeah. Uh-huh.?Right.

DiMartino:

GAAH!?I’ll be on this STUPID, UNCOMFORTABLE THRONE for the REST of my LIFE!!

Joey:

It’s no use, we’ll never find her.

Jeffy:

She’s lost forever!

Jamie:

It’s hopeless!

O’Neill:

Now young princes, you have to think positively!?Your Majesty, I have a plan.

DiMartino:

This ought to be good.

O’Neill:

It’s quite simple, really.?The maiden dropped a glass slipper on her way out of the ball.?All we have to do is try it on every maiden in the Kingdom, and we will find her!

DiMartino:

I see.?That sounds like an EXCELLENT plan ?if it weren’t for the fact that there are HUNDREDS of MAIDENS in this kingdom who PROBABLY share the same SHOE SIZE!!

O’Neill:

Oh yes?I hadn’t thought of that.?Well, it might help us narrow it down a bit.

DiMartino:

How long will this take?

O’Neill:

It could be weeks, Your Majesty.?Whoever does it would have to travel far and wide throughout the kingdom, and we probably wouldn’t see him for a very long time.

DiMartino:

Get the Captain of the Guard on it RIGHT AWAY!

Kevin:

(popping in)?I’m the Captain!

Sandi:

That was so humiliating!?I can’t believe we were so close and then that little tramp, whoever she was, (Quinnderella frowns) tried to take all three princes away from us!

Tiffany:

I knew I looked fat?/p>

Stacy:

Oh, my life is ruined!?(sobs uncontrollably)

Linda:

Now girls, that’s enough carrying on. ?/span>We’ve still got a chance.

Sandi:

What do you mean?

Stacy:

We do?

Tiffany:

(just looks up and says nothing)

Linda:

The news is, the Princes are scouring the kingdom looking for this mystery girl.?They have no idea who she is.? All they have to go on is one of her shoes that she dropped, the clumsy oaf.?(Quinnderella frowns at this, too)?They’ll be here any moment, so all you each have to do is fit into the shoe and you’re back in the running!

Stacy:

Really?

Tiffany:

Cool?/p>

Sandi:

Okay then.

Linda:

Just try not to screw it up this time.

A knock on the door

Linda:

That’s them!?Sandi, get in front.?Stacy, for God’s sake, dry your eyes.?Tiffany, stand over there and look pretty.?And Quinnderella, get lost!

Quinnderella:

But Stepmo-OM!

Linda:

No grief from you, I won’t have you messing up this chance for my girls.? Go shovel out the cellar or something!

Quinnderella:

Ooh! (stomps out)

Kevin:

(from outside) Yo, anyone there?

Linda:

(checks herself briefly in a mirror, then opens the door)?Why Captain!?What an unexpected pleasure.?And Your Highnesses!?We are so pleased to have you in our home, won’t you come in?

Kevin:

(nervous)?You’re not going to hurt me, are you?

Linda:

What?

Kevin:

(brightens)?Oh!? Never mind.?Hey, are there any chicks living here?

Linda:

Just my three girls!?(she opens the door wider to show the girls.?Sandi and Stacy curtsey, followed by Tiffany a moment later when she sees them doing it.)

Kevin:

Cool!?(he shoulders his way in, followed by the three J’s)

Joey:

We’d better find her here, guys.?This is the last place left.

Unknown to all, Quinnderella has slipped behind the doorframe of the next room, and is watching all that goes on

Jeffy:

Hey, look!?Aren’t those the chicks we danced with?

Jamie:

Oh yeah!?I was wondering what happened to them.

Sandi:

(approaching Joey)?The Lady Alexandra ?and, um, her sisters ?are at your service.

Kevin:

Who’s got the shoe?

Jeffy:

Jamie had it last.

Jamie:

Joey took it away from me!

Joey:

Oh yeah, here it is.?(he digs in his pocket and comes out with the glass slipper)?Well, let’s get this over with, who’s first?

Sandi:

I’ll go first, unless anyone objects?

Stacy:

Of course not, Sandi!

Tiffany:

Go ahead?/p>

Sandi:

Thank you.?(She sits down and kicks a leg up, exposing a bare foot.)

Kevin:

I need your left foot.

Sandi:

That is my left foot.

Kevin:

(holding up both hands to check) Oh, yeah.?(He kneels down and tries to put to slipper on)? Um, your foot’s too big.

Sandi:

I do not have big feet!

Kevin:

It’s not going on.

Sandi:

Try harder!

Kevin strains to get the shoe on the foot, flipping Sandi off the stool in the process.?He continues to try and hammer the shoe onto her foot.

Sandi:

Ow!?That hurts!?Careful, you moron!

Kevin:

Hang on, I’ve almost got it!

Sandi:

Get it off!?Get it off!

Kevin:

I can’t get his last toe in? hey hand me that knife!

Sandi:

Aaah!?(she pulls away from Kevin and runs for it, leaving the shoe behind)

Kevin:

Wait!?Aw, I almost had it!

Linda:

Never mind her, try it on Stacy!

Stacy:

Eep!

Linda pushes Stacy forward

Kevin:

Have a seat!?I need your right foot.

Stacy:

Um, don’t you mean the left one?

Kevin:

Oh yeah!?Thanks!

He tries to put the shoe on, but Stacy’s foot is just a trifle long.

Kevin:

Almost?let me get a better angle on this?/p>

Stacy:

(jumping up) N-no, that’s fine, it doesn’t fit, no problem!

Tiffany:

My turn?(she sits down)

Kevin:

No, I need your other foot.

Tiffany:

That is my other foot?/p>

Kevin:

Oh!?(He tries to put the shoe on, but it doesn’t go)

Tiffany:

I knew it...?My feet are fat?(she stands up and moves away)

Joey:

Bummer.

Jeffy:

Yeah.

Jamie:

You got any other chicks in the house?

Quinnderella:

Eep!

Sandi:

(she’s the one who tapped her) What are you doing here?

Quinnderella:

Oh, Sandi!?I just wanted to see, you know?which of my lovely stepsisters was about to become the princess!

Sandi:

Didn’t my mother tell you to go wash the stables out?

Quinnderella:

But that’s so gross!

Sandi:

Listen, Quinnderella, when mother tells you to go do something, do it!

Quinnderella:

(beaten down) Yes, Sandi.

Joey:

Wait, who’s that?

Jeffy:

Yeah!

Jamie:

I can’t see!

Linda:

Oh, that!?That’s just the maid, she wouldn’t have been at the ball in the first place.

Kevin:

I don’t know, the King said to try everyone?/p>

Quinnderella peeks around the doorframe.?She certainly doesn’t look much like she did at the ball, her hair in disarray, her clothes plain and stained, her face a bit muddy.

Joey:

Is that her?

Jeffy:

I don’t think so?/p>

Jamie:

I still can’t see!

Linda frowns, considering the possibilities.?Then she makes her decision.

Linda:

(smiling unpleasantly) Well, I suppose there’s no way of knowing for sure unless she tries on the shoe.?Come here, Quinnderella.

Quinnderella:

(brightly) Sure!

Quinnderella sits, and shows a bare foot.

Linda:

(to Kevin) Do you mind?

Kevin:

Huh??Oh, sure.?(he hands the shoe to Linda)

Linda:

Oops! (she tosses the shoe over her shoulder, whereupon it hits the ground and breaks into a million pieces)?Oh well, I guess we’ll never know.

Kevin:

Aw, man!

J’s

Crap!?Bummer!?Now what?

Linda:

Why don’t the three of you just marry my daughters and call it square?

J’s

Well?span style="mso-spacerun: yes">?I don’t know?Hmmm?/p>

Quinnderella:

Or, we could try the other shoe.

Everyone turns to stare at Quinnderella.?She’s smiles, and withdraws the other shoe from her pocket.

Quinnderella:

I thought this might come in handy.?(She slips the shoe on her foot, and it fits perfectly)

J’s:

It’s HER!

All three of them rush up to Quinnderella and kneel before her.

Joey:

Will you marry me?

Jeffy:

No, me!

Jamie:

I want to marry you!

Quinnderella:

Fine, whatever, can I take this shoe off now??It really clashes with my outfit.

Daria:

And so, the princes found Quinnderella at last.

Jane:

For the next five years, she strung them along.

Daria:

We can assume she eventually married one of them.

Jane:

And her first act as Queen Quinnderella was to throw her stepmother and stepsisters in the dungeon for crimes against fashion.

Daria:

And, with the exception of all the other miserable peasants who continued to scratch their living out of the hard soil, they all lived happily ever after.

Jane:

At least, until Quinnderella started to lose her looks.

Quinnderella:

What!!

Daria:

The end.

Tricia:

Wow.?What a great story.

Tad:

Could you tell us the story of Sleeping Beauty now?

Jane:

Sure.

Daria:

Go to sleep, and there’s half of it already.

Daria and Jane get up, turn off the lights and start to leave the room.

Tad:

Daria?

Daria:

Yes, Tad?

Tad:

Can I ask you a question?

Daria:

Sure.

Tad:

If the spell ran out at midnight, how come the glass slippers were still there the next morning?

pause

Daria:

Go to sleep, Tad.