Click, Click, Boom
?003 Roger E. Moore
(roger70129@aol.com)
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me,
whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: roger70129@aol.com
Synopsis: Somewhere in an alternate
universe, Daria Morgendorffer meets Jane Lane梐nd before you know it, things
click and they抮e all over Lawndale, shooting people.
Author抯
Notes: This
is an alternate-history 搘hat if?tale of Daria and Jane, spawned by a PPMB
揑ron Chef?contest started by Brother Grimace. He asked for stories in which
one or two 揇aria?characters followed one of their other major interests in
life, not the one most prominently displayed on the show. The character
otherwise had to be the same as on the show. A happy ending was also required.
牋牋牋牋牋?This story抯 title comes from the
2001 hit song by Saliva, 揅lick Click Boom.?It was too, too perfect.
Acknowledgements: Grateful thanks go out to
Brother Grimace for the contest, and deep apologies to Wyvern, who was chatting
with me online while I was complaining about getting distracted by story ideas,
and about that same moment, this idea came to me and I didn抰 write back to him
right away, as I was too distracted. Sorry about that.
I can see it in my mind,
I can see it in their eyes,
It's close enough to touch
it now,
But far away enough to die.
Click, click, boom.
桽aliva
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria Morgendorffer sighed in resignation as the new high school came into view through the windshield of her father抯 Lexus. Maybe I抦 being too pessimistic, she thought, pushing her glasses up on her nose. This place can抰 be any worse than Highland. A car horn honked to her left. She turned and saw a pair of students in a candy-apple Jeep pulling ahead of the Lexus. The driver was a moronic-looking black-haired jock wearing a football uniform, his passenger a buxom cheerleader with blonde pigtails waving at students in other cars. Damn it, wrong again. Daria glanced at her sister Quinn in the front seat, taking a moment to check her makeup in the car抯 rear-view mirror. Ready to take the local dating scene by storm, she mused. Some things never change.
牋牋牋牋牋?Her father Jake turned the blue Lexus into the semicircle drive that led to Lawndale High School抯 main entrance, where a large crowd of students milled about. 揘ow, girls,?he said, turning in his seat, 揹on抰 get upset if it takes the other kids a little while to warm up to you.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The words were barely out of his
mouth before Quinn was out of the car and gone, heading for a trio of fashionably
dressed girls who appeared to be her age. Daria eased out of the Lexus with her
backpack in hand, noting that Quinn was surrounded in seconds by a swarm of
eager, testosterone-fueled young males. That didn抰 take long. This could
even be a new Quinn record for boy collecting.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑抣l see Quinn through this difficult period of adjustment,?Daria told her father in her usual monotone. As she spoke, she carefully set her backpack on the ground and unzipped it.
牋牋牋牋牋牋牋?揟hat抯 my girl!?Jake
exclaimed, standing up outside the car to stretch his legs. He looked down to
see what Daria was doing. An anxious look crossed his face. 揢h, Daria, don抰
you think棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 sure do,?Daria interrupted,
rummaging in her backpack.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 mean,?he went on in a pained tone, 揳fter everything that happened in Highland, you don抰 want to get off on the wrong foot here, do you??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 the only foot I have,?Daria
replied. She pulled a Canon EOS-1N telephoto camera from her backpack and
glanced at the settings, then popped off the lens cap and swiftly raised it to
her face. The autofocus took over, and when the little light turned green and
the moment seemed right, she pushed the button with her forefinger. Click.
Quinn抯 first day at Lawndale, captured for all eternity梩he adoration of the
masses for their newly crowned princess.
牋牋牋牋牋?At that moment, for reasons Daria
could not fathom, Quinn turned around. Perhaps she抎 heard the film wind in the
Canon with a low whirr. She spotted her sister and the camera instantly,
but she betrayed no expression. A breeze lifted her orange-peel hair. Her look
was perfect: unruffled, in charge, majestic and serene. Daria pushed the button
again. Click.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn turned back to her new friends
as if Daria had never existed. Daria lowered her camera, sensing she had a
winner. It paid to wait a moment after a shot was taken, just in case a better
shot appeared梬hich it often did. Quinn had learned a thing or two about
photography herself, primarily that she should never, ever make a nasty face
when Daria had a camera at hand. It took some of the fun out of photographing
her, true, but it made for pictures that Quinn would later buy for her personal
use. A sister with a photo bug had its advantages for a wannabe fashion model.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝ee you, Dad,?Daria said absently.
She put her camera away, then shouldered her gray backpack and headed inside to
class.
牋牋牋牋牋?What did you do at school today,
Daria? her mother would ask that night over dinner.
牋牋牋牋牋?I shot Quinn with my Canon,
she would reply.
* * *
牋牋牋牋牋?The school psychologist was not
amused when Daria took a surprise close-up flash photo of her while the shrink
was giving Quinn an inkblot test. Daria抯 mother came to school later to rescue
the expensive Canon from confiscation, but further retaliation was in store. No
one has a sense of humor around here, Daria mused as she walked down the
empty hallway and pushed open the door to Mr. O扤eill抯 classroom. Her fate was
hideous: an eight-week-long, after-school class in self-esteem with an
oversensitive teacher. So much for this town抯 imagined superiority to
Highland, she thought. Maybe there抯 uranium in the water here, too.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria unslung her backpack and looked for a seat among the handful of other students梑ut the leggy girl with the red jacket and black bangs caught her eye in an instant. Rather, it was what the girl was turning over in her hands, at which she stared with a concentrated frown, that locked Daria抯 attention. The girl was holding a black Nikon F-501, what appeared to be an original model from the late 1980s.
牋牋牋牋牋牋牋?Without hurry, Daria took an
empty seat next to the girl in the red jacket, who glanced at her before
turning her attention back to her camera. Daria remembered seeing this girl in
Mr. DeMartino抯 history class, where the girl sat in the back and looked bored
and said nothing. The girl squinted at her camera and made a sound of disgust.
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ours??said Daria.
牋牋牋牋牋?The girl turned to her with large blue eyes. 揙h, it抯 a hand-me-down from my dad,?she said in a gravelly voice. 揌e does magazine photography, travels around a lot. I get his rejects, the ones he doesn抰 drop off cliffs or into volcanoes.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hat抯 a hell of a reject,?Daria said. She tentatively held out a hand. 揗ay I??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The girl looked at Daria, then at her camera, then handed it over. 揝ure, why not. The autorewind抯 jammed again, and I don抰 have the tools to get it loose. Jane Lane.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揇aria Morgendorffer.?Daria absently reached in a pocket of her green jacket and pulled out her camera toolkit. 揧ou shoot a lot??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揂ll the time.?Jane saw the toolkit and noted the familiarity with which Daria handled it. 揌ey, thanks.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o problem.?Daria stopped and held
up the Nikon, staring at the odd lens on it.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 a fisheye,?said Jane. 揑 use it for taking pictures of teachers and classmates.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥arped portraits,?said Daria,
catching on.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 call them 憈ruer than life,?myself.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥elcome, seekers of self-esteem!?announced a cheery Mr. O扤eill to his little class, while perched on the edge of his desk. 揈steem, a teen. They don抰 really rhyme, do they??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria picked a miniature screwdriver from her kit, then turned Jane抯 camera over in her hands. 揧ou showed me yours. Wanna see mine??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揋ot it with you??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria put the camera and screwdriver
in her lap. She then reached down, unzipped her backpack, and brought out her
Canon, handing it to Jane.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hoa,?said Jane, handling the camera with awestruck care. 揟his is bloody nice. What are you doing after school??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揢m . . . what are you doing??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝hooting.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揗e, too, then. What do you like??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥eird people, ugly things. You??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria looked at Jane and blinked in surprise. 揢gly things, weird people. Truth.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Jane smiled and put out her hand. 揧ou抮e a dream come true, amiga.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揗y sister says that, too,?said Daria, putting down the screwdriver again, 搊nly I think she uses the word 憂ightmare??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?They shook hands. The friendship was
born.
牋牋牋牋牋?揇oes anyone know what self-esteem means??asked Mr. O扤eill, looking around the classroom. 揂nyone??o:p>
* * *
牋牋牋牋牋?They walked around Lawndale together
after class, their backpacks on and cameras hanging from shoulder straps at the
ready.
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hen comes role-playing,?Jane
said. 揥e take turns being evil cashiers who won抰 give correct change, or
wimpy customers struggling with lifelong personal issues, like棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揟arget at two o抍lock,?Daria said,
eyeing a man in rumbled clothes, smoking a cigarette at a bus stop. Both girls
stopped and went for their cameras. The man flipped his cigarette to the ground
and went inside a store, unaware of his narrow escape.
牋牋牋牋牋?揃astard. Got away.?Jane lowered her Nikon. 揂nyway, after the role-playing, they divide up the girls and the guys, and some lady talks to us about body image. Yadda, yadda, yadda. How抎 you get into this??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria inspected her Canon for dust on the telephoto lens. 揑 was on the school paper back in Highland. I took pictures of anything, just to see what they抎 run. I won this last year in a state contest. I used to write, too, but that always got me into trouble.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat抎 you write??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h . . . revenge fantasies, horror stories, end-of-the-world stuff, anything that would get a reaction.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝o, photography kept you on the straight and narrow??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘ope,?said Daria solemnly. 揑t抯 gotten me into more trouble than writing ever could.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Jane grinned at her new friend. 揧ou抮e a twisted little cruller, aincha??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 what I do best,?said Daria. 揥hat about you??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, it抯 all art to me. I drew on the walls too much when I was little. My oldest sister gave me a camera to keep me out of the crayons. The rest was history.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria stopped and pointed. 揟arget sighted, two o抍lock.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?They raised their cameras as the man
in the rumbled clothing walked out of the store, smoking another cigarette, the
very image of city grit and grunge.
牋牋牋牋牋?Click. Click.
* * *
牋牋牋牋牋牋牋?The door-to-door sale of chocolate
bars for Lawndale抯 new cyber-caf?did not go as planned.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥e should be doing something about now,?said Jane, looking down at the overweight woman in the muumuu who collapsed after attempting to buy all of their chocolate bars. 揑抦 sure of it.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria nodded slowly. 揧eah. I think you抮e right.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?In unison, both girls raised their
cameras.
牋牋牋牋牋?Click. Click.
* * *
牋牋牋牋牋?揃ig crack in the sidewalk coming up,?said Jane, guiding Daria by the elbow. 揧ou抣l want to watch out for that. Oh條ook out for that branch! There抯 a dog coming. Never mind, it抯 over by that maple.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揇amn contacts,?Daria grumbled. Her eyes were still shot through with red. 揅an抰 even see through the viewfinder without tearing up.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝uffering from camera obscura, eh?
Well, you made it this far. I can抰 believe you didn抰 bring your gla棓
牋牋牋牋牋?A honking horn cut Jane off.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria squinted at the fuzzy blue car stopped on the other side of the street. 揥ho抯 that??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h,?said Jane, waving. 揑t抯
Trent.?
牋牋牋牋牋?揌ey, Daria!?Trent shouted from his
car. 揕ooking good!?He smiled, waved, and drove away.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria felt her face burst into
flame. Boom, boom, her heart thundered in her ears. She swallowed and
wondered what Trent really thought of her. She was terrified of finding out.
牋牋牋牋牋?Jane let go of Daria抯 elbow and
took a step away. Daria made the mistake of looking in her direction, blushing
furiously.
牋牋牋牋牋?Click.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria gasped. 揇amn you, Lane!?she shouted.
牋牋牋牋牋?Jane merely grinned and held steady.
Daria抯 trick about waiting for a better shot had paid off in spades.
牋牋牋牋牋?Click.
* * *
牋牋牋牋牋牋牋?Click.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria lowered her camera, pleased
with the shot she抎 taken of the Lawndale Lions mascot, staggering drunkenly
about in the parade. I wonder how he gets any air in that costume, she
thought. Glad that抯 not me in there.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥ell, I certainly understand why you wanted to share this experience with Jane,?she said, advancing the film with her thumb. She hated using the school camera. It was as old as the Stone Age. 揝orry that you two never hooked up.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Tom Sloane shrugged, feeling far
more tired than he thought he should. 揑t抯 okay,?he said. He glanced at
Daria, who was intently searching the passing parade for more photographic
fodder. She hardly knows I抦 here, he thought. She抯 just as bad as
Jane. She抯 really different and interesting when you can get her to talk. She
might even be brilliant, but . . . He looked away, shaking his head. 揧ou
know how she is,?he said.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria nodded as she raised her camera, focusing on the next float. Quinn and her fashion friends were on it. Daria was low on cash, and Quinn could use another batch of glamour shots. 揧eah, I know. She really gets into this.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋牋牋?The irony of that remark was not lost on Tom. I抎 better cut the cord, he thought, before I say or do something I抣l regret. 揑抣l try looking for her over there,?he said. 揋ood luck with your yearbook photos, Daria.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria nodded, getting Quinn in her
viewfinder. 揟hanks,?she said.
牋牋牋牋牋?Click.
牋牋牋牋牋?When she lowered the camera, Tom was
gone. She shrugged and went on taking pictures of Quinn and a particularly
dreadful looking clown.
牋牋牋牋牋?揌ey,?someone called. She looked around and spotted Ted walking up with an excited grin on his face. 揌ow抯 it going? Get some good ones for the yearbook??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?He bent his lips to hers, and they
closed their eyes. They kissed.
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou抣l be amazed,?Daria said when
the kiss broke.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 know what that means,?Ted said, rolling his eyes. His good humor faded. 揥eird people and ugly things. Irony at its most cutting.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 what I do best,?Daria said with a smirk. 揌ave you seen Jane??o:p>
* * *
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 can抰 believe this,?Jane said. She sat with Daria at their usual table in Pizza King, a Mondo Supremo Deluxe half-eaten between them. 揘ot in a million years could I believe this would happen on the same damn afternoon. What did Ted say??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria glumly reached for another slice of pizza. 揓ust what I told you. He didn抰 like my attitude about photography, for one thing. Too much Diane Arbus, not enough Ansel Adams, I guess. Then he said I wasn抰 getting into the spirit of the yearbook. He said it抯 not about weird, ugly stuff, as if there was anything else to put in a high-school yearbook. I think Ms. Li chewed his ass off when she skimmed the layout and saw that pic of the dead rat in the cafeteria. That probably did it.?She paused before taking a bite of her slice. 揝o, what exactly did Tom tell you??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 don抰 know. I was too busy yelling at him to hear much.?Jane picked up her glass and swirled her Ultra-Cola around inside it. 揌e was going on and on about me not paying any attention to him, being too caught up in my work, something like that. And all this time I thought he liked my artistic side.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揌e sure liked your nude photo
series,?Daria said. She took another bite of pizza.
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah, he liked that side of me, all right. He liked every side I had, there.?Jane exhaled long and slow, staring at her fizzing drink. 揗aybe he抎 have stuck around if I抎 given in and put out like he wanted me to. Must have finally gotten to him, all the black-and-white but no pink. You think that抯 why Ted broke up with you??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揗mmm,?said Daria, her mouth full. She gave an exaggerated shrug and reached for her drink. 揥ho cares,?she said a few moments later after swallowing. 揝crew 慹m if they can抰 take a joke.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah,?said Jane, and she took a sip of her cola. 揝crew 慹m. They say they love you, then?i>boom.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?They ate moodily for several
minutes.
牋牋牋牋牋?揅ould have been worse,?said Daria at last. 揥e could have married them.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Jane nodded. 揧eah,?she said. She
found herself looking at Daria, who looked back at her without blinking. Their
mutual gaze lasted much longer than either expected it would.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria put down her pizza slice and
wiped her hands on a napkin. Jane put down her drink and wiped her hands on her
red jacket.
牋牋牋牋牋?They reached for their cameras. They
took time to focus and adjust for ambient light. Each of them was clear and
centered in the other抯 viewfinder.
牋牋牋牋牋?Click. Click.
牋牋牋牋牋?揃oom,?said Daria in her deadpan.
牋牋牋牋牋?揃oom,?said Jane with a grin.
Original: 3/20/03
Alternate history
FINIS