Text ?003 Roger E. Moore
(roger70129@aol.com)
Daria and associated
characters are ?003 MTV Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent,
just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to:
roger70129@aol.com (see, however, 揂uthor抯 Notes?.
Synopsis: Daria Morgendorffer
awakens one morning from uneasy dreams to find herself transformed in her bed
into a giant cockroach. Seriously. Well, not seriously, but a giant cockroach.
We抮e talking great literature. Based on it, I mean.
Author抯
Notes: This
is a third-season 揇aria?highbrow literary crossover mini-episode fanfic
television script based on Franz Kafka抯 1912 existential masterpiece, The
Metamorphosis. This script is the kind of tale Daria herself might have
written if only she were a real person and had a few mental problems梟ot that I
do, you understand. Highbrow literary types can find the complete text of The
Metamorphosis online at:
http://www.kafka.org/transl/english/metamorphosis.htm
If
you read the first few paragraphs梕ven the first sentence梱ou get the complete
idea of what抯 going on, just like that. Boom. Subtle as a daisy cutter. I抦
not sure how people will react to discovering that Daria is now a cockroach. It
worries me a little. This is highbrow literature, and not too many people will
get it besides me.
牋牋牋牋牋?The lyrics from the third-season
musical episode 揇aria!?were taken from Outpost Daria
(http://www.outpost-daria.com/), which lists 揇aria!?as episode #307. It is
nervously assumed that the reader is familiar with all the 揇aria?characters,
so that explanations about who is who are not necessary for maximum enjoyment,
if any.
牋牋牋牋牋?The ending, of course, was from the
揥orst 慏aria?Fanfic Opening?contest, from early September 2002. It was my
entry, so I could use it. Legally, I think.
牋牋牋牋牋?Last note: Please do not write to me
to complain about the failures of logic in this story, of which there are many,
because the beta-readers have already yelled at me about them, but if I took
them out this story would look even worse than it already does, plus it would
be only one page long, so it抯 better that they stay in, even the run-on
sentences.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Franz Kafka for
the original idea. U da MAN! U ROK!
牋牋牋牋牋?The beta-readers for this story,
bless them, were (in no particular order): Wyvern, Brother Grimace, Robert
Nowall, Galen 揕awndale Stalker?Hardesty, RedlegRick, Brandon League,
Crusading Saint, Steven Galloway, Deref, Thea Zara, THM, and TerraEsperZ.
Brother Grimace was the only one who admitted to actually reading The
Metamorphosis, though others might have read it but were too ashamed to say
so.
INT
= Interior scene
EXT
= Exterior scene
VO
= Voice over (off screen)
1. INT: RAINY WEEKDAY MORNING, DARIA扴 BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
As
lightning flashes and thunder rumbles, we fade in to see the Kafka poster over
Daria Morgendorffer抯 computer station, on the side of her room by the door
into the hall. Heavy rain drums on the roof. Our view drifts slowly down to
Daria抯 desk, where we see various books by Kafka (The Trial, The Castle,
The Metamorphosis, etc.). The screen-saver on her computer monitor is on,
and we see computer-art ants marching randomly across the screen. Our view
drifts across the room to Daria抯 bed, faintly illuminated by distant lightning
flashes outside. The clock alarm on the floor by her bed clicks from 6:29 to
6:30 a.m., and music plays: a segment from 揗orning in the 態(tài)urbs,?from the
musical 揇aria!?The male singer sounds like Jake Morgendorffer.
MALE SINGER: [VO, on radio, sings] It means a Lawndale morning抯 going to start?/p>
A
limb covered by a blanket reaches over and pulls the plug for the alarm out of
the wall socket. The song dies instantly. The limb withdraws from view. Thunder
rumbles.
DARIA:
[VO, muffled, under covers] Oh, joy. Another perfect day. Do I rise to face its
myriad challenges, or sink back into the depths of dark oblivion?
After
a pause, we hear Daria snore lightly. Suddenly, the blare of loud boy-band
music comes through the walls (from the direction of Quinn抯 bedroom). A radio
DJ comes on moments later.
DJ (SPATULA MAN): [VO] Hey, hey, Lawndale! That was 揃aby, Let抯 Sleep Together Before We Say Goodbye Again Forever,?by Guys 2 Guys! Gooooood morning! This is Spatula Man on Z-93, and it抯 time to get your big sorry ass out of bed! This next song?o:p>
Someone梐ssumedly
Quinn梩urns the radio volume down in the next room. We hear Daria give a deep
sigh.
DARIA:
[VO, muffled, under covers] The oblivion police are here. No point in putting
it off. The day抯 not going to get any worse than this.
The
figure under the covers throws the covers off the bed. In a flash of lightning
from the windows, we see the bed is occupied by something that doesn抰 look
like it might be Daria. The figure reaches down beside the bed and clicks a
switch that turns on a small lamp nearby, revealing that the being is a giant,
Daria-sized cockroach, lying on its back in Daria抯 bed. The eyes are the only
part of the giant cockroach that look human梩hey are Daria抯 eyes. The
cockroach yawns and rubs its eyes with its forelegs. It opens its eyes梐nd its
eyes grow huge as it peers at its forelegs.
DARIA:
[voice comes from giant cockroach throughout] EEEP!
Daria
reaches over with one foreleg and gets her glasses from the floor by her bed.
She puts her glasses on (they somehow stay on), and she looks at her six legs
and abdomen.
DARIA:
[tries not to panic] This is not happening. This is definitely not
happening. I抦 having a nightmare, or I抳e finally gone psychotic, or I抦
having a delayed reaction to that damn anchovy pizza I ate at Jane抯 last
night. I should never have eaten out of her refrigerator. Whatever抯 happening,
I need to stay calm while I wait for the real alarm to wake me up. Just relax
and see where this goes. That抯 the ticket. As long as I don抰 feel any pain, I
know I抦 only dreaming.
Daria tries to get up but cannot. She rolls from side to side in her bed, finally rolling over out of bed and dropping to the floor. She hits the floor hard on her abdomen, making a loud thump. Her glasses fall off.
DARIA:
Ow! Damn it! [pause, groans] Oh, no. I抦 still in Kansas, Toto. I just
wish my body would get the hell back here from Oz.
Daria
puts her glasses back on and scuttles around her room, looking at things.
DARIA:
My room smells differently at this altitude梔ifferently as in bad. Well, sort
of bad. Maybe not too bad. These week-old socks are okay.
Daria
the cockroach picks up a piece of garbage from the floor and looks at it.
DARIA:
This smells suspiciously like part of that turkey and mayo sandwich I ate in
here last week. The turkey has turned green, and the mayo looks like someone
blew their nose on the turkey. [eats the crumb] Hmmm. It could use some
mustard.
Footsteps
approach Daria抯 bedroom door.
HELEN:
[VO, outside bedroom door] Daria! Are you okay in there? I thought I heard
something fall down.
The
door handle jiggles. Daria looks startled. We focus on the door as the knob
continues jiggling梩hen the lock pops open. The door opens, and a hand reaches
in and turns on the overhead lights. Helen Morgendorffer peers inside, looking
concerned. She pockets a hairpin that she used as a lock pick.
HELEN:
Daria? [shrugs] She must have gone downstairs already.
Helen
walks away, leaving the door ajar. Daria, covered with dust bunnies, crawls
halfway out from under her bed. She sneezes, blowing dust all over the place,
and blinks at the bright light.
DARIA:
I desperately need reality testing. Am I really a giant cockroach, or is this
is my long-overdue and much-deserved mental breakdown? An impartial observer is
called for.
QUINN:
[VO, in her bedroom next door] Muuuh-OOOM! Can I borrow your cucumber-avocado
five-minute facial mask? Mine is past its expiration date!
DARIA:
And an impartial observer answers the call.
2.
INT: MOMENTS LATER, HALLWAY OUTSIDE QUINN扴 BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria,
on her six legs, walks over to Quinn抯 room and taps on the door with a
foreleg.
QUINN:
[VO] Door抯 unlocked, come in! Unless you抮e Daria!
Daria
reaches up, turns the handle with a foreleg, and pushes the door open. She
ambles in and disappears from view.
DARIA:
[VO] Hi, sis.
QUINN:
[VO] Daria, shut the door! I just put a facial mask on and I don抰 want that
icky stale hallway air tooOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Quinn,
in nightclothes and with green stuff smeared all over her face, runs out of the
room in hysterics, screaming at the top of her lungs. She flees downstairs.
After a moment, Daria the giant cockroach comes out into the hall again.
DARIA:
There has to be a downside to this.
3. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, FRONT DOOR AND FRONT YARD, MORGENDORFFER HOME
It
is still raining. Several lights are on in the Morgendorffer home. Wild screams
from various Morgendorffers are heard ringing through the house. The front door
abruptly flies open, and Quinn, Helen, and Jake Morgendorffer run out into the
rain in their pajamas and nightclothes, screaming in incoherent panic. They
disappear down the road in the early morning darkness and rain.
4. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, LIVING ROOM WINDOW SEEN FROM OUTSIDE, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Rain
splatters on the windowpane as Daria the cockroach manages to peer out. Only
her head (with glasses), forelegs, and antennae are visible above the windowsill.
DARIA:
The perfect way to start every day. Still, it was cruel to scare them out into
the cold and wet. I should feel bad about it. [pause] Wonder if they left
something on the floor for breakfast.
Daria
gets down and disappears from view.
5. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, FRONT DOOR, MORGENDORFFER HOME
The
rain has stopped, but it is still overcast. Wearing a long raincoat with the
hood pulled down, Jane Lane walks up to the front door, humming tunelessly to
herself. She rings the doorbell and waits, still humming.
DARIA:
[VO, behind the door] Jane?
JANE:
Yo, Daria! I thought you were coming by my place first. Ready for walkies?
DARIA:
[VO, behind the door, anxious tone] I don抰 know if I should go to school
today.
JANE:
What抯 the matter? New hairstyle didn抰 work out?
DARIA:
[VO, behind the door] You tell me. Promise you won抰 run away?
JANE:
[raises eyebrow] Not likely. You do owe me money. [frowns] You抮e not pierced
again, are you?
The
doorknob turns and the door opens, but no one is visible at eye level. Jane
looks down梐nd gasps and flinches. Before her, one foreleg holding the door
open, is a gigantic cockroach wearing Daria抯 round-frame glasses. Jane (with
huge, astonished eyes) and the cockroach (with a worried look) stare at each
other for several seconds.
DARIA:
[weak voice] Hi, Jane.
JANE:
[pause, weak voice] Yo.
DARIA:
[weak voice] Well?
JANE:
[pause, blinks rapidly, speaks slowly] Um . . . your . . . your hair looks . .
. okay.
DARIA:
[surprised] It does?
JANE:
[pause, recovering] Yeah. [pause] Got your books?
DARIA:
Oh, right.
Daria
disappears inside the house. Jane closes her eyes, shakes her head from side to
side, and mutters to herself in a low voice.
JANE:
[solemnly] I will never, ever eat out of the refrigerator again.
Daria
returns after a moment with her gray school backpack on her round back, the
straps over her two front legs.
DARIA:
[looks up at Jane] Ready.
JANE:
[pause, blinks again] Okay.
DARIA:
How do I look?
JANE:
[pause, slow voice] Fine. Um, what do you call what . . . you did with your
hair?
DARIA:
[confused] I抦 not sure.
JANE:
[nods absently] Just wondered.
Daria
shuts the door with a foreleg, and they both leave.
6. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, SIDEWALK BETWEEN MORGENDORFFER HOME AND LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Outside,
it is overcast but not raining. Jane reacts normally to Daria as they walk
together down the sidewalk. In the background, we occasionally hear people
scream, run away, or drive off very fast. Daria and Jane pay no attention at
all to this background noise.
DARIA:
I can抰 believe I抦 actually going to school on a day like this.
JANE:
Eh, what抯 a little rain?
Jane
and Daria anxiously glance at each other but continue walking.
JANE:
[returns to normal] Say, amiga, do you realize that this is our third season
together?
DARIA:
[startled, looks at Jane] Our third what?
JANE:
Semester! I said, this is our third semester together.
DARIA:
No, you didn抰.
JANE:
Yes, I did. [pause] Got any plans for the holidays?
DARIA:
What holidays?
JANE:
Whatever抯 closest.
DARIA:
I dunno. Since I got up this morning, I抳e had a burning desire to crawl away
from here for a while.
JANE:
Maybe you could take a vacation, check into a roa梐 motel.
DARIA:
[glaring at Jane] Check into a what?
JANE:
A motel.
DARIA:
A what motel?
JANE:
A motel! Just a motel! I said, maybe you could check into a motel. You check
in, and you . . . um . . . check out again, later. You know梐 motel.
Daria
glares at Jane a moment more, but she keeps walking.
JANE: Speaking of holidays, I thought maybe next year for Guy Fawkes?Day, you and I should?o:p>
DARIA:
Stop. We agreed we would never speak of that again.
JANE: Oh. Okay. [pause] Speaking of the weather, then, I heard on the radio that we might get more wind and rain this afternoon. Could be a big storm, might even be a hurricane, just like the one that?o:p>
DARIA:
Jane.
JANE:
Right. Forgot.
They
walk a little longer.
JANE: Hey?o:p>
DARIA:
Don抰 say it.
JANE:
Wanna go on a boat cruise?
DARIA:
No.
JANE:
Go to a dance party?
DARIA:
No.
JANE:
Visit some old people?
DARIA:
No.
JANE:
Sing?
DARIA:
No!
JANE:
Wanna help me stuff Kevin Thompson抯 body in a locker at school?
DARIA:
N?. . . [short pause] . . . Lemme think about it.
Jane
begins whistling the tune to 揗orning in the 態(tài)urbs?(from the musical
揇aria!? as she walks. Daria glares at Jane, then looks away, highly annoyed.
DARIA:
[low voice] I hate you.
As
the two of them pass an open garbage can, Daria stops, gets up on her rear
legs, and peers inside. Jane walks on, oblivious.
DARIA:
[head inside garbage can, voice echoes inside] Hmmm.
7: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Daria
and Jane stand by a row of lockers; Jane抯 locker is open and she抯 taking
books out of it. In the background, students and teachers are heard screaming
and running away. A few dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, and loose papers
are on the floor.
JANE:
So, how抯 your report for Mr. O扤eill on existentialism and high-school life?
DARIA:
I finally got it done on the computer around midnight.
JANE:
Whoa. I bet you worked your little feet off on it.
DARIA:
[glares up at Jane] My little what?
JANE: Fingers. I said, I bet you worked your little?o:p>
DARIA:
No, you didn抰.
JANE:
Yes, I did. By the way, Trent抯 coming by later with a box for Ms. Defoe. There
was a shortfall in the school budget, and she couldn抰 get any red paint. Mom
had some stored in the basement, so I抦 donating it to the school. Control
yourself and don抰 get too close to Trent, though.
Daria
the cockroach starts to blush. The reddish blush spreads halfway down the
length of Daria抯 giant-insect body.
DARIA:
Why is that?
JANE:
Oh, he came down with a cold. There抯 a nasty bug going around.
Daria
glares up at Jane. Jane looks down at Daria.
JANE:
What?
DARIA:
What did you say Trent caught?
JANE: A virus. I said, there抯 a really nasty virus?o:p>
DARIA: [looks away, peeved tone] I heard you the first time.
JANE:
[shuts locker] If we抮e going to make it to class on time, we抎 better step on
it.
DARIA:
[shocked, looks at Jane] Hey!
JANE:
What?
DARIA:
[walks off angrily] You two-legs are all alike.
Jane
sighs and follows Daria.
JANE:
Touchy, touchy.
8: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY OUTSIDE GIRLS?RESTROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Girls
run screaming out of the girls?restroom, including Brittany, Andrea, and
Jodie. Moments later, Jane and Daria exit. Jane waits as Daria looks in a
garbage can by the bathroom door.
JANE:
The hallways don抰 seem as crowded as usual. You notice?
DARIA:
[pulling her head out of the garbage can] What? I didn抰 hear you.
JANE:
Nothing.
9: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MR. DEMARTINO扴 CLASSROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
In
Mr. DeMartino抯 classroom, all of the students except Daria and Jane are packed
together in a far corner of the room, as far away from Daria as possible. Kevin
hides behind his girlfriend, Brittany.
BRITTANY:
Kevvy, you抮e supposed to be protecting me!
KEVIN:
I-I-I am, babe! It might crawl across the ceiling and attack us from behind!
In
the front of the room, Mr. DeMartino stares hard at Daria the giant cockroach,
who sits upright in her desk. Jane sits calmly by her side. After a moment, Mr.
DeMartino takes a long swig from a liquor bottle, then puts the bottle in his
desk and shuts the drawer.
MR.
DEMARTINO: [eye bulges out with emphasized words] I knew it! I just KNEW that
damn atomic TESTing would LEAD to this! Miss LANE, would you care to introDUCE
your special friend to the rest of the CLASS?
JANE:
[points to Daria with her pencil] This is Daria.
DARIA:
[waves a foreleg] Yo. 慡up?
MR.
DEMARTINO: [eye bulges out with emphasized words] DARia. A strangely POPular
NAME. [eyes narrow] You look faMILiar. [pause] Were you ever in Quang Tri
PROVince, July nineteen sixty-EIGHT, outside my FOXhole?
DARIA:
It wasn抰 me. I don抰 hiss.
JANE:
[under her breath] Yes, you do.
DARIA:
[under her breath] Shut up.
MR.
DEMARTINO: [eye bulges out with emphasized words] Hmmm. Very WELL. We抣l
continue our LESSon on technological deVELopment during World War TWO. Can
ANYone more sober than I am manage to NAME one of the new inVENtions that
helped control inFECTious diseases like maLARia?
JANE:
[raises hand excitedly] DDT! Killed those mosquitoes dead!
DARIA:
[huge eyes, horrified look at Jane] EEEP!
JANE:
[exasperated look at Daria] Whaaat?
10: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
All
the students flee Mr. DeMartino抯 class in a panicked mob, screaming as they
run away. The floor is littered with dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, and other
items; lockers stand open, and even backpacks lie about. Moments later, Daria
and Jane calmly walk out of the classroom. Daria picks up a small piece of
trash as she walks.
DARIA:
[examines trash, holds small brown bag up to Jane] M&M?
JANE:
I抦 trying to quit, but . . . what color?
DARIA:
[peers in little M&M bag] Blue.
JANE:
Nah. I have a bugaboo about those.
Daria
looks resigned to the pun and throws the M&M bag behind her.
11. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MR. O扤EILL扴 CLASSROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
In
Mr. O扤eill抯 classroom, all of the students except Daria and Jane (once again)
are packed together in a far corner of the room, as far from Daria as possible.
Kevin again hides behind Brittany. Daria walks to the front of the classroom on
all sixes beside Mr. O扤eill (who sits on his desk) and gives her speech. She
reads from her paper, held in her two front forelegs.
DARIA:
My report is entitled, 揔afkaesque Depersonalization and Related Existential
Crises in the Life of a High-School Student,?by Daria Morgendorffer. Franz
Kafka抯 novels ask the questions, 揥ho am I??and 揥hy am I here??[lowers
papers, looks up at class] I have no clue how to answer these questions. This
concludes my report.
MR.
O扤EILL: [anxious look] That was rather . . . brief, wasn抰 it? Shouldn抰 we
honor his memory and spirit with more discussion of his writings?
DARIA:
At the rate at which Kafka is spinning in his grave right now, I doubt that
he抣l notice.
MR.
O扤EILL: I was hoping you could give us more of an inside perspective on
Kafka抯 works. We so rarely have a visitor from another phylum in our class.
DARIA:
Yes, Kafka抯 insights have me literally crawling up the walls.
MR.
O扤EILL: Um, yes, I see that. Very well. [pats Daria on the back, then stops
abruptly and looks anxiously at his hand, appears to be getting sick] Oops! Uh,
please excuse me, I . . . I have to wash up! [runs from the classroom,
screaming]
12. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
All
the students flee Mr. O扤eill抯 class in a panicked mob, screaming as they run
away. The floor is littered with dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, and other
items; lockers stand open, and even backpacks lie about. Moments later, Daria
and Jane calmly walk out of the classroom. Daria has an angry expression.
DARIA:
[steamed] Do I look like I have germs or something?
JANE:
Jeez, Daria, you抮e so thin-shelled sometimes.
DARIA:
[glares at Jane] Thin what?
JANE:
Skinned. I said you抮e so thin-skinned.
DARIA:
Liar.
JANE:
[ignores Daria] Trent should be here by now. I called and told him to meet us
in back of the school, behind the gym. It抣l be easier to carry the paint to
Ms. Defoe抯 room from there.
13: EXT: PARKING LOT BEHIND GYMNASIUM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
It
is peaceful and quiet in back of the school. Trent leans against the Tank,
waiting.
TRENT:
Hi, Janey.
JANE:
Hi, Trent. Thanks for bringing the paint.
TRENT:
No problem. I . . . [voice fades out, looks down]
With
large eyes and an open mouth, Trent looks at Daria the giant cockroach, who is
trying to hide behind Jane. Daria blushes a rosy color (much brighter than
before) the entire length of her body. Jane sees Trent staring and looks behind
her.
JANE:
Oh. It抯 just Daria.
TRENT:
[pause] Oh.
DARIA:
[mortified, low voice] Hi, Trent.
TRENT:
[recovering] Hi, Daria.
JANE:
She did something different with her hair. Like it?
TRENT:
Um . . . [long pause] . . . yeah.
Jane walks to the back of the Tank to get the paints. Daria, in abject embarrassment, is now a bright flame red, somewhat speckled as per the episode 揑ll.?o:p>
TRENT:
What抯 going on, Daria?
DARIA:
Trent, I don抰 even know how I should begin to answer that.
TRENT:
Hmmm. Whatever抯 up . . . don抰 let it bug you.
DARIA:
[defeated look] I was really hoping you wouldn抰 use that phrase.
TRENT:
Sorry.
DARIA:
Forget it.
JANE:
[reappears carrying a large cardboard box] Thanks again, Trent.
TRENT:
Sure thing. [coughs into fist] I抎 better go. Wouldn抰 want you to catch what
I抳e got. [rubs eyes, looks at Daria] It seems to be messing with my vision.
DARIA:
[glum] Maybe less than you think.
TRENT:
Funny, Daria. [starts to laugh, but coughs instead]
Trent
gets into the Tank and starts it up. He leans out the window before he goes.
TRENT:
See ya. Oh, Janey?
JANE:
What?
TRENT:
Don抰 eat anything out of the refrigerator. We blew a fuse yesterday during a
Mystik Spiral jam session, and all the food spoiled.
Trent
drives off. Daria抯 whole-body blush fades away.
JANE:
[glum] Now, he tells me.
DARIA:
[very glum] Please lift your boot and put me out of my misery.
JANE:
[shakes head] Not a chance, amiga. You still owe me money.
Daria
and Jane walk back into the school.
14:
INT: MOMENTS LATER, GYMNASIUM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Jane
(carrying the cardboard box) and Daria (with backpack) walk across the empty
gym. In the background, students and teachers are heard screaming and running
away. The gym floor is littered with basketballs, volleyballs, sneakers, and
even gym shorts.
DARIA:
What a rotten day. I could just crawl under a refrigerator.
JANE:
Oh, cheer up. What抯 bugging you?
JANE:
I said, what抯 bothering you?
DARIA:
That wasn抰 what you said.
JANE:
Yes, it was.
DARIA: [fed up] This day can抰 possibly get any worse.
Across
the gym, ahead of Daria and Jane, we see Brittany, Kevin, and other students.
They point with horrified expressions at Daria, who is approaching them.
BRITTANY:
[shrieks] Run, everybody! Here it comes!
Kevin Thompson, behind Brittany, suddenly steps out in front of her and breaks into song: the first few bars of 揑f the Town Blew Away,?from the musical episode, 揇aria!?An unseen orchestra accompanies him.
KEVIN:
[sings] Yes! Now, everybody out! Everybody out! / An ordered, quiet exit is
what exiting抯 about! / You will not scream or howl梠r shout!
BRITTANY AND OTHER STUDENTS: [all sing] Everybody out! Everybody out!
Daria and Jane stop to stare at the singers.
DARIA:
[enraged] That did it!
Daria
runs off toward the singing. We stay focused on Jane, who watches Daria rush
off-screen. Jane winces at the combative noises that follow. The music stops.
Screams break out everywhere, with the sounds of fighting, things falling down
and breaking, and people running away.
KEVIN:
[song interrupted] Ouch! Ow! Help me, babe! Ow!
OTHER
VOICES: Run for it! It抯 got the QB! Run!
15. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MS. DEFOE扴 CLASSROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
In
Ms. Defoe抯 art classroom, Jane sets the cardboard box on a table.
JANE:
[looks upward and calls out] Here抯 your red paint, Ms. Defoe. Check it out
when you get down from the cabinets.
MS.
DEFOE: [VO, quavering voice] A-a-all right! Th-th-thank you!
JANE:
Ready to go, amiga? [looks around] Daria?
DARIA:
[under a table in the shadows] Be right there. Found a French fry.
JANE:
Maybe it抯 time for a real lunch. Join me in the cafeteria?
DARIA:
Sure. Maybe we抣l have mystery meat, and someone will drop a tray.
JANE:
Your tastes sure have changed.
DARIA:
I still hang around you, don抰 I?
JANE:
[softly, to self] Hmmm. Is that good or bad?
DARIA:
I heard that.
MS.
DEFOE: [VO, quavering voice] Is it safe to come down now, Jane?
16. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, CAFETERIA, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Jane
sits at a table in the deserted cafeteria, eating her lunch. Daria the giant
cockroach is under Jane抯 table, nibbling on food scraps. In the background,
students and teachers are heard screaming and running away. The cafeteria
tables and chairs are chaotically arranged, as if the place had been quickly
abandoned; some chairs are knocked over, lots of food and trays lie on the
floor, etc.
JANE:
Any particular reason you want to sit under the table?
DARIA:
That抯 where the food is.
JANE:
Hmmm.
DARIA:
What is it with the 揾mmm?
JANE:
Oh, uh, I was wondering, do you think we抣l always be friends?
DARIA:
Hmmm.
JANE:
Now you抮e doing it.
DARIA:
What?
DARIA:
Can I have another piece of your mystery meat?
Jane
casually picks up the rest of the mystery meat from her plate and drops it on
the floor in front of Daria.
DARIA:
Yes, Jane, we will always be friends. [starts eating the mystery meat]
17. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY OUTSIDE GIRLS?RESTROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
We
again look at the door to the girls?restroom, behind which we hear tremendous
screaming. The door bursts open, and high-school girls flee in every direction,
including all four members of the Fashion Club (Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and
Tiffany). Daria and Jane walk out after everyone else is gone and head down the
deserted hall toward their next class. In the background (as usual), students
and teachers are heard screaming and running away. The hall floor is littered
with dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, loose papers, and other items梞ore
even than before.
DARIA:
[trotting along beside Jane] This condition does have its perks.
JANE: You just went to the bathroom twenty minutes ago. Did you really have to go again?
DARIA: Nah. I saw Quinn go in with the Fashion Club, and I wanted to say hi. By the way, I don抰 remember what we抮e doing in Ms. Barch抯 class today.
JANE:
Oh, we抮e still doing that biology thing. Each of us has to dissect a giant
beetle.
Daria抯
eyes abruptly grow to enormous size behind her glasses. She stops dead in the hallway,
terrified.
JANE:
[stops, looks back] What now?
DARIA:
[near panic] Jane, I have to go home! I can抰 go to science class!
JANE:
Got a weak stomach?
DARIA:
Yes, and I don抰 want someone hunting for it with a scalpel!
JANE:
C抦on, Daria. Show some backbone.
DARIA:
What kind of crack was that? I抦 an invertebrate! I don抰 have a
backbone!
JANE:
Daria, what抯 bug梬hat抯 bothering you?
DARIA:
Can抰 you tell?
JANE:
You don抰 like what you did with your hair?
DARIA:
Jane, damn it, I抦 a cockroach!
Jane
freezes and stares at Daria with enormous eyes, as if seeing her for the first
time.
JANE:
A what?
DARIA:
Look at me! I抦 a giant cockroach! When I woke up this morning, I was a big-ass
water bug!
JANE:
[stunned] Oh, no. You really are a cockroach.
DARIA:
Yes! Couldn抰 you see that?
JANE:
[weakly] I thought I was hallucinating. I was just playing along, waiting for
you to turn back into Daria again.
DARIA:
Hallucinating?
JANE:
That anchovy pizza we ate out of the refrigerator last night was pretty bad.
DARIA:
Maybe the pizza did this to me, I don抰 know, but I抦 a cockroach now! I抦 a bug,
damn it!
JANE:
You are a bug.
DARIA:
[anxious] You don抰 have a problem with this, do you, Jane? We抮e still
friends, aren抰 we?
JANE:
[takes a step back] Um . . .
Jane
turns and runs away off-screen. Her retreating footsteps end with the sound of
a slamming door.
DARIA: [calls after Jane] You抣l let me know after you stop running, right? [pause] Jane?
Daria the cockroach slumps down and looks very depressed.
DARIA: Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
18: EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, SIDEWALK BETWEEN LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL AND MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria
the giant cockroach walks home alone with her backpack on. A car drives past
and splashes her with a tidal wave of water, soaking her. She never stops
walking.
DARIA:
[glum] Rub it in.
She
stops after she passes a garbage can, then goes back, climbs up, and knocks the
lid off. After peering inside, she tries to reach for something梑ut she falls
in completely, vanishing from view. A couple seconds later, Tom Sloane and his
sister Elsie walk into view. Tom carries a rumpled sack from a fast-food
restaurant (揃urger Baron?. Neither Tom nor Elsie look at the garbage can,
which wiggles from side to side as they speak.
ELSIE:
About time you cleaned out your car. That fish sandwich was beginning to smell.
TOM:
Everyone抯 a food critic.
ELSIE:
So, you want to go slumming on the middle-class side of Lawndale? I thought you
liked porking Muffys. You said they put out like broken Coke machines.
TOM:
Sure, but where抯 the challenge? I want to sample the low end of life, see what
passes for cool among the great unwashed. I have this fantasy where I get to
bang an artist chick, or maybe a brain, or better yet both. It would be great
if they were best friends, and I screwed them up for life.
ELSIE:
Always the dreamer. And what will you do if they don抰 put out for Mister Nice
Rich Kid?
TOM:
Oh, probably go home and seek comfort among those who love me.
Tom
and Elsie smirk at each other.
ELSIE:
Is anyone watching?
TOM:
Do you care?
Elsie
and Tom grab each other and kiss passionately. The garbage can continues
rocking in the background, bits of trash erupting from it like a little
volcano.
ELSIE:
[breaking from the kiss] You are so evil, Tom.
TOM:
Are you saying I have cruel intentions?
ELSIE:
[sighs] I loved that movie. [sad look] Except for the ending.
TOM:
[sad look] Yeah. [brightens] Let抯 head back to the car, sis. I feel like
steaming up some windows.
ELSIE:
You抳e got it.
Tom
throws the rumpled sack into the trashcan, and he and Elsie go back the way
they came. Moments later, the trashcan falls over, spilling garbage all over
the place. Daria crawls out. In one foreleg, she holds the sack that Tom threw
into the garbage can. She opens it and looks inside.
DARIA:
Hmmm. A week-old fish sandwich on moldy bread, covered with rancid tartar sauce
and topped with dried-up pickles. [sighs] The perfect comfort food.
Daria
eats the sandwich, drops the sack, then continues on her way down the sidewalk.
DARIA:
I抦 still depressed. I need to cheer up梠r at least get back to my normal mood.
But how will I ever feel better? [pause] Wait桻uinn should be home by now.
Daria
sets off at a quicker pace. In moments, however, a strange noise is heard: the
thumping of a low-flying helicopter. Daria stops and looks up. Her eyes grow
huge. In the sky above her is a news helicopter with 揝ICK SAD WORLD TV?painted on its sides. A cameraman leans out an open door, filming her.
Suddenly, approaching traffic is heard, and tires squeal as news-reporting
trucks (all from 揝ICK SAD WORLD TV? pull around her. Jane appears, running
over to stand at Daria抯 side.
JANE:
Everyone! This is Daria Morgendorffer, my best friend, the one I called you
about! She抯 a giant talking cockroach! And I抦 her manager!
DARIA:
[stunned] Jane! What are you doing?
JANE:
And we抎 like to be in movies!
JANE:
[hastily interrupting] Sorry! Her voice isn抰 the best right now!
REPORTER
TWO: [to Daria] Give us a thumbs-up, then!
DARIA: [getting angrier] If I had any middle fingers, I抎 give you a?o:p>
REPORTER
THREE: [to Daria] Are the rumors true about you and Dolly the sheep?
DARIA:
[outraged] What?!?
DARIA:
[shouts] Jane! What the hell is going on here?
JANE:
[thrusts face into TV camera lens] If any Hollywood producers are watching
this, we抎 love to be in movies! I抦 a lesbian, if that helps!
DARIA:
[shouts] Damn it, Jane, you are not a lesbian!
JANE: [to TV camera] Don抰 listen to her! She抯 a giant talking cockroach! Call me! Here抯 my phone number: area code?o:p>
BRITTANY:
[VO] There it is! Get it, Kevvy!
KEVIN:
[runs into the scene holding a can of insecticide] Go, Lawndale Lions!
Kevin
sprays insecticide all over Daria.
DARIA:
[coughing and gagging] Help! Can抰 breathe! Jane!
JANE: [in background, to TV camera] And here抯 my cell phone: area code?o:p>
DARIA:
[glasses fall off, weaker voice] Everything抯 getting dark! I抦 . . . I抦 . . .
The
scene fades out.
19. INT: EARLY MORNING, DARIA扴 BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria抯
bedside alarm goes off with a series of beeps. Instantly awake, Daria sits
straight up in bed with a gasp梐nd then relaxes, falling back on her pillow.
She抯 completely normal and wears a green nightshirt. A blanket covers the rest
of her. It appears to be a clear-weather dawn outside her bedroom windows.
Without looking, she reaches over and shuts off the alarm with one hand.
DARIA: [stares up at ceiling without her glasses on] That had to be the worst nightmare ever. Not even the makeover nightmare was worse than that. [pause] The musical nightmare, that was almost as bad, but?o:p>
Someone
clears his throat near Daria抯 bed. Daria looks to one side (toward the sound)
without moving her head. She blinks, then reaches down beside her bed and gets
her glasses and puts them on. She looks to the side again, sitting up on her
elbows in bed.
Standing
about four feet away from her bed are several characters, each about two or
three feet tall. One is a fluffy Care Bear (Grumpy), blue in color with a rainy
cloud on his tummy. To Grumpy抯 left is red-cheeked Strawberry Shortcake in a
pink dress and bonnet, and to his right is Rainbow Brite, mounted on the leader
of My Little Ponies. Peering from behind Grumpy Care Bear are Q-bert, blonde
Smurfette, and Uni, the baby unicorn from the 揇ungeons & Dragons?cartoon.
No
one says anything for a couple of seconds桪aria stares at the group, and they
stare at her. Grumpy Care Bear finally steps forward.
GRUMPY:
Excuse us, please, but Christmas, Halloween, and Guy Fawkes Day said you might
be able to help us with a little problem we have.
Daria stares at him for a moment longer梩hen
gets a look of intense rage on her face.
GRUMPY: [sees it coming, clear as day] Uh-oh.
20.
EXT: EARLY MORNING, AERIAL VIEW, MORGENDORFFER HOME
We
pull back from one of Daria抯 iron-barred bedroom windows on the second floor
of the Morgendorffer home as the sun comes up, with the sounds of fighting,
screaming, and breaking things coming from Daria抯 room. With a burst of music
(orchestra version of 揗orning in the 態(tài)urbs,?, the scene fades away.
Original:
11/22/02
Revised:
1/20/03
Comedy,
script, fantasy, crossover (Kafka抯 The Metamorphosis)
FINIS