Die!
Die! You Bastard!
揇aria?episode #413 (as I
think it should have been)
Original text ?003 by Roger
E. Moore (roger70129@aol.com)
Daria and associated
characters are ?003 MTV Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: roger70129@aol.com
Synopsis: After ruining Jane抯 hair-dye job, Daria fears she has lost her best friend. Jane, for her part, fears Daria is trying to steal her boyfriend, Tom. Will everything work out for the best? And what does T. S. Eliot have to do with any of this?
Author抯 Notes: This alternate-history story is rated PG. To create this, the transcript for 揇aria?episode #413, 揇ye! Dye! My Darling?(by Glenn Eichler) was taken from Outpost Daria (http://www.outpost-daria.com/) and then sort of tinkered with just a tiny little bit梙ardly at all, really [cough]. Anyway, the first half of 揇ye! Dye! My Darling?is not repeated here. We pick up the story from where things change just a tiny little bit.
Acknowledgements: My gratitude goes out to the beta-readers for this tale, who were (in no particular order): Brandon League, Thea Zara, Deref, Steven Galloway, Ruthless Bunny, Crusading Saint, THM, Robert Nowall, RedlegRick, Galen 揕awndale Stalker?Hardesty, and Brother Grimace. Thank you for your friendship, guidance, and support.
INT = Interior scene
EXT = Exterior scene
VO = Voice over (off screen)
PROLOGUE
We pick up the story the day after the disastrous hair-dyeing job. Jane does not come to school, and Daria cannot reach her by phone. Daria, at home sitting on the living room couch, tries again to call her on a portable phone without success. Looking very depressed, Daria next tries to call her mother, who is also unavailable.
SCENE X1. INT: LIVING ROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
As we cut away from Helen抯 office, Daria pushes the hang-up button on the phone. Frustrated, she tosses the portable phone on the round table in front of the couch. The phone lands on a large book there. Daria stares at the phone, then reaches for it again. As she picks it up, she stops to look at the book cover. We see from her point of view that it is The Complete and Ostentatious Coffee Table Book of T. S. Eliot, Unabridged. Distracted, she flips the book open to a random spot and looks down at the page. We see that she looks at a passage from 揟he Waste Land?near the end of the poem. Two lines of the poem stand out in her vision:
The awful daring of a moment抯 surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
Daria stares at this for a few moments in thought, shrugs, and leaves the book open. She slowly thumbs in a number on the phone and raises it to her ear.
SCENE X2. INT: A MOMENT LATER, SPLIT-SCREEN: LIVING
ROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME / LIVING ROOM, SLOANE HOME
A split-screen begins here. On one side, Daria sits in her living room with a worried look. On the other side we see a decorative telephone ringing on an antique table in Tom抯 house. Tom walks over and picks the phone up.
TOM: Hello?
DARIA: Tom? Hi, it抯?/p>
TOM: [smiles] Daria! To what do I owe the pleasure?
As she talks, Daria occasionally glances down at the open T. S. Eliot book on the table, but she usually looks off at a random spot across the room.
DARIA: [worried] Listen, have you heard from Jane?
TOM: [rolls eyes, annoyed] You could say that. Why?
DARIA: It抯 about that hair-striping job.
TOM: Uh-oh.
DARIA: [upset] Yeah. I really screwed it up big time. She wasn抰 at school today, and she抯 not answering her phone, so I wanted to find out if you knew how she was doing.
TOM: [irritated] Well, she was doing well enough to call me at ten-thirty last night, yelling about her and me and you and some stuff about her hair that I didn抰 understand, plus making some really off-the-wall accusations. I?/p>
DARIA: [upset] Oh. Well?/p>
TOM: [angry] I抦 really getting tired of this garbage, you know? It抯 like you and I talked about a while back during the parade?/p>
DARIA: [upset] I know, I know. Look, I抦 going over to her place to see how she抯 doing.
TOM: [calming] Oh. Yeah, that抯 a good idea.
DARIA: I gotta go. Bye.
The split screen ends.
SCENE X3. INT: LIVING ROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
We see Daria sadly hang up the phone. With a last look at the T. S. Eliot poem, she gets up from the couch and leaves for the front door.
SCENE X4. INT: SAME MOMENT, LIVING ROOM, SLOANE HOME
Tom takes the telephone handset from his ear and looks at it with a resigned expression.
TOM: Bye, Daria.
Tom hangs up and looks thoughtful. He says 揌mmm,?then leaves, fishing his car keys from a pants pocket.
SCENE X5. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, FRONT DOOR, LANE
HOME
Looking miserable, Daria rings the doorbell. Moments later, Jane梙er hair back to its normal jet-black color梠pens the door.
JANE: Ah. I thought you might shuffle around eventually.
DARIA: [surprised] Hey, your hair looks good.
JANE: Yeah, I dyed it again. I抦 better off with jaguar black than splotchy tiger road kill.
DARIA: [upset] Look, I抦 sorry I screwed the whole thing up. I told you I didn抰 know anything about dyeing hair, but I know that doesn抰 get me off the hook. I抦 really sorry.
JANE: [irked] You look sorry.
DARIA: [upset] I am.
JANE: That wasn抰 what I meant. [sighs] Oh, c抦on in.
SCENE X6. INT: MOMENTS LATER, LIVING ROOM, LANE HOME
Daria and Jane wander into the living room and sit on the couch as they talk.
DARIA: I抳e been trying to call you all day. Why didn抰 you come to school?
JANE: I just had too much on my mind. Call it a mental health day, or maybe an insanity day, whatever. After the hair nightmare last night, I really needed to cool off and get my head sorted out about some things. Maybe a lot of things.
DARIA: What kind of things?
JANE: [glares] You can抰 guess? I抦 not playing 搕wenty questions?here, damn it.
DARIA: [anxious] I swear I didn抰 mess up your hair-dye job on purpose! I would never do that to you!
JANE: [glares] That抯 not what抯 bothering me, Morgendorffer.
DARIA: [wide eyes] What? You mean Tom?
JANE: [fake surprise] Ah, the little light bulb over your head just came on.
DARIA: Jane, I swear I抦 not trying to take Tom away from you! This is crazy!
JANE: [glares, loudly] Then what抯 going on between the two of you? Why are you seeing him behind my back?
DARIA: [shocked] Jane! I抦 not! I talked to him a couple of times, and that抯 it! That抯 all! We抮e not seeing each other! If I ever did anything like that to you, I could never live with myself!
JANE: [becomes anxious] So, then, you抮e not trying to make out with him or?/p>
DARIA: [shocked, wide eyes] Jane, come on! [spreads arms] Look at me! Do I even look like I could make out with someone? Or even come on to a guy?
JANE: Well, there was that time you tried to do a cartwheel in gym and your t-shirt fell over your head, and all the boys got to see your bra.
DARIA: [blushes, very annoyed] Right, and how many guys asked me out as a result?
JANE: [sighs, relaxes] Oh, all right. But why are you and Tom being so friendly lately? I thought you couldn抰 stand him, but every time I turn around, you抮e having some kind of cuddly intellectual story hour about Stalinism or some other equally steamy topic.
DARIA: [looks down, lowers voice] Well . . . I don抰 know. I can stand to talk to him now. He抯 not the evil spawn of Satan I once thought he was. [pause] I think.
JANE: [raises eyebrow] That抯 a change.
DARIA: [irked] Well, I have to put up with him if I want to see you, right?
JANE: I guess. Mind if I ask when you talked to him last?
DARIA: I called him before I came over here. I thought he might know where you were all day, that抯 all.
JANE: You called him?
DARIA: Yes, Jane, but he didn抰 know where you were, so it didn抰 go anywhere. He said that . . . [anxious] um, nothing.
JANE: What?
DARIA: [worried, lowers voice] He said . . . the two of you had sort of a, uh, disagreement last night, over the phone.
JANE: [irked] It was more like a little nuclear war, with me doing most of the bombing. [again anxious] So, you抮e not trying to . . . you know, go out with him or anything?
DARIA: He抯 not my boyfriend! He抯 your boyfriend!
JANE: You抮e not answering the question! Do you?/p>
DARIA: [doesn抰 look Jane in the eye, looks down instead] No! I don抰 want to go out with him! I just miss being . . . [stops as if she抯 said too much]
JANE: You miss what?
DARIA: [sad, looks at Jane, can抰 speak for a few seconds, low voice] I miss being with you.
Jane looks at Daria for a long moment. Jane抯 expression becomes sad and pained.
JANE: [low voice] I miss being with you, too. To tell you the truth, Tom and I aren抰 doing so well. We抮e not hitting it off like we used to. [pause] I guess I抦 a little scared that he抯 sick and tired of me, or something.
DARIA: You think he抯 bored with you?
JANE: [depressed] Yeah, though I can抰 imagine how that could happen. I抦 never bored with me.
DARIA: Are you getting tired of him?
JANE: [angry/defensive] No! [pause, expression softens] Well . . . I don抰 know. It hasn抰 been the same lately. All the fire抯 burnt out. I thought I could put a little spice into our love life with the tiger thing, but . . . oh, well. I don抰 know what to do.
DARIA: [pleading, low voice] Please believe me, I would never do anything to hurt you. You抮e my only friend.
JANE: [touched] I know. [sighs] I抦 sorry. Maybe I need to see a little less of Tom for a while. I think I抦 trying too hard. Nothing抯 working no matter what I do.
DARIA: I don抰 care anymore if you want to see Tom. I just . . . I?/p>
JANE: . . . want to see me, too?
DARIA: [low voice] Yeah.
JANE: And probably not as a third wheel, I imagine.
DARIA: [voices fades as she speaks] If we could work that out. It抯 . . . it抯 been so long.
Jane stares at Daria as if seeing her for the first time.
JANE: [sighs, mind made up] Okey-dokey. You抳e got it. I apologize for flying off the handle, and I accept your apology for the hair whatever. I want to put this behind us. Pizza tomorrow after school?
DARIA: [relieved] Sure. [pause, looks at Jane抯 hair] You sure you don抰 want me to do up your hair with leopard spots or anything?
JANE: [gives Daria the eye] Don抰 pee in the corn flakes, okay?
DARIA: [relieved] Okay. [pause] Um, got any soda?
JANE: [grins] Now you抮e talking.
SCENE X7. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, FRONT DOOR OF LANE
HOME
The door opens, and Jane sees Daria out. It is growing dark outside.
DARIA: [ill at ease] Um, I抦 glad we抮e . . . okay again. I don抰 think I could have taken much more of not . . . not . . . [can抰 say what she thinks]
JANE: [painful smile] I think I get it. We were always okay. Up, down, whatever梱ou抮e still my best friend. You always will be.
Daria抯 eyes glisten. She looks away for a moment and rubs her eyes.
DARIA: [not looking at Jane] I could never live with myself if I did anything that botched everything between you and Tom梠r you and anyone else.
JANE: Oh, I think Tom and I are doing a fine job botching things on our own. We抣l see. Pizza tomorrow right after school. Surrender to the power of the pepperoni.
DARIA: [gives Jane a slight smile] An age of prudence would not sway me from it.
JANE: [raises an eyebrow] Is that from a book?
DARIA: What? Oh, it抯 something I read before I came over, about surrendering to the moment and never being able to undo it.
JANE: Was this about Bill Clinton?
DARIA: No. It was a T. S. Eliot poem.
JANE: Of course, it wasn抰 about anything fun. You brains are all alike.
SCENE X8. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, SIDEWALK IN FRONT
OF MORGENDORFFER HOME
It is evening and growing dark. Walking down the sidewalk toward her home, Daria sees Tom抯 battered blue car parked in front of her house. She frowns and walks over to the rolled-down passenger-side window, which faces the sidewalk.
TOM: Hey.
DARIA: Why are you here?
TOM: I wanted to talk to you. Your sister said you weren抰 home, so I figured I抎 wait in the car. It was safer than getting near their Blushathon, what with their giggling and painting stuff on their faces and drawing pentagrams on the floor with red lipstick. At least I think it was red lipstick.
DARIA: [unamused] What do you want?
TOM: Why don抰 you get in the car? At least your feet won抰 get tired while we chat.
DARIA: I can talk from here.
TOM: [cups hand to ear, smiles] What? The acoustics outdoors are terrible.
With a doubtful look, Daria opens the car door and gets into the passenger seat, leaving the passenger door open.
SCENE X9. INT: MOMENTS LATER, FRONT SEAT OF TOM扴 CAR
DARIA: Do you want to talk about Jane?
TOM: Nope.
DARIA: [frowns] What, then?
TOM: I want to talk about our situation.
DARIA: [surprised/angry] Our situation? You mean 搊ur?as in you and me?
TOM: Exactly. Look?/p>
DARIA: [angry] No, you look. We have no situation棓we?meaning you and me.
TOM: Why is everyone so mad at me?
DARIA: [angry] Why shouldn抰 everyone be mad at you?
TOM: Daria, come on! Talk to me. Why are you mad at me?
DARIA: [angry] Why? Why am I mad at you? Because when we moved to this stupid town, I knew right off I was going to be a total outcast, just like before. And in the one real stroke of good luck I抳e had in my entire life, I met another outcast who became my best friend, and I didn抰 have to feel completely alone anymore. Then you came along and screwed everything up royally! I hardly see her anymore!
TOM: [annoyed] That happens when people date, Daria. If Jane wants to make time to see you, she will. I should be so lucky, with all that art crap she does.
DARIA: [angry] Jane doesn抰 do 揳rt crap,?and she抯 made some time for me already. I抦 just not looking forward to seeing her drop off the face of the earth again with you. And how could you even say that about her work?
TOM: Look, it抯 not fair that you抮e pissed at me about this. A while back, I met this girl I thought was really cool, and I went out with her. We got bored with each other, and the relationship抯 run into the rocks now. Stuff like this happens all the time. It抯 not my fault, and it certainly isn抰 hers.
DARIA: [surprised] You抮e breaking up with Jane?
TOM: I don抰 know what抯 happening with us梙er and me, I mean. After that crazy phone call I got last night?/p>
DARIA: Why aren抰 you over at her place trying to sort this out? Why do you need to talk to me?
TOM: [leans closer] Because I wanted to talk to you.
DARIA: [suddenly nervous, pulls back slightly] About what?
TOM: [softly] Us.
Tom suddenly moves much closer to Daria and leans over her, his face coming toward hers. He抯 obviously about to kiss her. Startled, Daria recoils from him. Her hands leap up to shield her face and push Tom away. She strikes out reflexively with the palm of one hand, cracking him hard on the nose.
TOM: [grabs at his nose] Ow!
DARIA: [shocked] Oh! Oh, no!
SCENE X9. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF
MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria jumps out of the car and runs up the sidewalk for her house, slamming the door behind her. Tom, still in his car, gingerly touches his nose.
TOM: [resigned] That definitely did not go well.
SCENE X10. INT: NEXT MORNING, KITCHEN, THE
MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE
Daria, running a little late, walks into the kitchen just as her father Jake is leaving, finishing a cup of coffee. Daria looks as upset as she can possibly be; her hair isn抰 combed, and her expression is stressed out. She sits at her place at the table, with no food before her, and stares into space.
JAKE: Hey, kiddo! How抯 your morning going? Can you believe this damn town won抰 let you shoot squirrels? It抯 like 1984 all over again! How抯 a man supposed to defend his home and family? It抯 tyranny, and the people won抰 stand for it! We should rise up and stick it to the Man! [checks watch] Oops, sorry, Daria, I have to run. Tell me more about your day during dinner tonight. You know you can抰 even poison the little monsters? See you later, kiddo! [to Quinn, entering the kitchen] Hey! How抯 the day for you?
QUINN: Great, Daddy! Bye!
Jake walks out as Quinn walks in. Quinn makes a bowl of dry cereal for herself as she talks.
QUINN: Oh梞orning, Daria! Listen, it抯 only fair to warn you that this afternoon is the final stretch of our Blushathon, and maybe you won抰 want to come home and have to suffer through the incredible excitement going on in my room while you sit around and watch TV, and maybe there抯 somewhere else you抎 rather be, you know, like Jane抯 house or the library or something. That work for you? [pause, looks at Daria] Daria?
DARIA: [focuses on Quinn, flat voice] Where抯 Mom? I need to talk to her.
QUINN: [looks inside the refrigerator] You need to talk to her? Ha! As if! I can抰 even remember what color her eyeliner is anymore. She goes on and on about this huge case she抯 got, and she never comes home until really late, and pretty soon she抣l be a complete stranger to us and we抣l all suffer terrible psychological damage and have to be sent to an insanitarium or something. Are we out of skim milk?
DARIA: Quinn?
QUINN: [head still inside refrigerator] What?
DARIA: [anxious] If your best friend was going out with this guy, but this guy suddenly tried to kiss you, would you tell her?
QUINN: [pause, takes head out of refrigerator and closes refrigerator door] This is a hypothetical question, right?
DARIA: I didn抰 even know you knew that word.
QUINN: Do you want an answer or not?
DARIA: [anxious] Yes.
QUINN: Well, it depends. Is he cute?
DARIA: [shoulders slump] Forget that I brought it up.
QUINN: [thinking] Let抯 see. If we抮e speaking hypothetically, say, about Sandi and me, and there抯 this cute guy dating her but he tries to come on to me, too, like for example during school yesterday right after History, in the stairwell at the far end of the building, but let抯 say hypothetically he wasn抰 cute enough to get into a fight with Sandi over it, then definitely, I抎 tell her about it right away. She抯 my best friend, after all.
DARIA: [surprised] Oh. [pause] You抮e right. Thanks, Qui?/p>
QUINN: But, hypothetically, if he was really hot and he could keep his mouth shut, that could be different.
DARIA: Quinn, I think I see?/p>
QUINN: And we have to ask, what sort of kiss are we talking about? A friendly kiss, or the kind you get only after dinner out with a limo and a concert afterward? Am I wearing lipstick that will smudge on me or come off on him? Can he keep his tongue to himself? And where does he expect this will lead? A girl has to consider a lot of important angles when she looks the gift horse in the mouth, so to speak. In fact?/p>
Having heard enough, Daria gets up and leaves the room while Quinn talks on to herself, gesturing over her bowl of cereal.
SCENE X11. EXT: LATER THAT MORNING, FRONT DOOR, LANE
RESIDENCE
Daria nervously waits at the Lanes?front door. The front door opens, and Jane walks out, closing the door behind her.
JANE: [cheery] Hey! Good to see ya.
DARIA: [without enthusiasm] Hi.
The two walk toward the sidewalk, heading for school.
JANE: So, what抯 up, amiga?
DARIA: [worried] We need to talk.
JANE: We are talking. Or did you mean in code?
DARIA: About Tom.
Jane stops and stares at Daria, surprised and wary. Daria stops and faces Jane, her expression extremely anxious.
JANE: [flat voice] What about Tom?
DARIA: [anxious, pause] He tried to kiss me yesterday.
JANE: [huge eyes, stunned, shouts] What?
DARIA: [more upset] I was in his car, and he?/p>
JANE: [furious] What were you doing in his car?
DARIA: [very upset, rushed] He was parked in front of my house after I left your place. He asked me to get in so we could talk. I thought he wanted to talk about you, so I got in. [lower voice] But he wanted to talk about us instead.
JANE: [shouts] About you? You and him?
DARIA: [upset] Yes. That抯 when he tried to kiss me. I didn抰 want it to happen. It抯 the truth, Jane. I抦 sorry.
JANE: [furious] You kissed him?
DARIA: No! [screws up her face] He tried to kiss me, but it scared me when he came at me, and I accidentally hit him. I think I broke his nose.
Jane steps back, reeling.
DARIA: I had to tell you! I抦 really sorry, Jane!
JANE: [angry] You weren抰 trying to kiss him?
DARIA: Jane, I swear, I didn抰 try to kiss him! I would never do anything to hurt you! I shouldn抰 have even gotten in his car, you抮e absolutely right. I thought he wanted us to talk about you, but he didn抰, and I抦 sorry I did it. [shoulders slump, looks down] I shouldn抰 have even gone near him. That was really stupid. I抦 sorry.
Jane stares intently and angrily at Daria a few moments longer.
JANE: [glares, aloud to self] I can get there before he leaves for school, if I hurry. I抎 better take Trent抯 car.
Jane turns and runs back to her house, leaving Daria on the sidewalk alone.
DARIA: [calls] Jane? [face falls, looks down at her feet in misery] Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
SCENE X12. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, FRONT OF SLOANE
RESIDENCE
Jane parks Trent抯 car in the Sloanes?driveway, gets out, and walks to the front door. She rings the doorbell and waits. Moments later, Tom answers the door. His nose is still red and swollen.
TOM: [surprised, slightly nasal voice] Oh. Hi.
JANE: Oh, hi. Something the matter with your nose?
TOM: [looking guilty] Uh, yeah, I banged it yesterday. It抯 better now.
JANE: I can fix that.
Jane suddenly punches Tom in the nose with a roundhouse blow with her right fist.
TOM: [staggers back into the house, hands covering his face] OW!!!
SCENE X13. INT: MOMENTS LATER, FRONT HALL, SLOANE RESIDENCE
Tom staggers back, hands over his face. Jane comes through the front door after him.
JANE: [furious] So, you want a little more action in your love life? Here抯 a little more action for you!
Enraged, Jane flails Tom nonstop with both fists.
TOM: [trying to shield self with arms] Ouch! Ow! Jane, stop it! Jane!
JANE: [breaking off her attack, screams] You bastard! How could you? How could you do that to her? How could you do it to me? How could you do it to us, you total moron?
Enraged, Jane starts toward Tom with her fists balled up. Tom backs into a wall, knocking a picture down. Tom wards Jane away with one hand, the other covering his bleeding nose.
TOM: Jane, I抦 sorry! Stop it! I know I screwed everything up!
JANE: That抯 brilliant, Einstein! You抣l get the Nobel Prize right after I抦 through beating you over the head with it!
TOM: Jane, cut it out! Just back off! I抦 sorry, all right?
JANE: What happened? Tell me what happened between you and her!
TOM: I was an idiot, okay? I桰 don抰 know what got into me! I just?/p>
JANE: Did she try to kiss you?
TOM: No! Damn it, Jane, it was all my fault! I did something stupid, really stupid! I抦 sorry!
JANE: You just decided to plant one on her and see where it went, right? [blinks, face gets red, near tears] I can抰 believe you did that. You want to get it on with my best friend, while you and I are still going together? I can抰 believe you did that.
Tom and Jane stare at each other, breathing heavily. Tom covers his bleeding nose.
TOM: [softly] I can抰 believe it, either. It wasn抰 her fault. I抦 sorry.
Jane stands there, then covers her face with her hands.
JANE: You抮e sorry. You抮e sorry. You tried to make out with my best friend, my best friend in the whole world, so I go nuts and accuse her of trying to make it with you, and you抮e sorry. Damn you to hell.
TOM: [pause, low voice] You wanna talk?
JANE: [drops her hands from her face, looks at the floor as tears run down her face] I wanna give you some good reasons to have your medical insurance paid up, that抯 what I wanna do. [wipes her eyes with her hands] We抮e through. You and me. We抮e done, we抮e through forever.
Jane starts for the door. She stops before she gets there, however, and turns to Tom.
JANE: [calmer, but still furious] Just tell me something. All the time you were going out with me, was that just so you could get to her? Was it Daria you really wanted?
TOM: No. No, that wasn抰 it. I wanted to go out with you. I never met anyone like you. I just wanted to be with you, but then everything started to go wrong. We just couldn抰 get anything together. We were about to break up anyway, but I抦 sorry that I?/p>
JANE: [angry] About to break up? What the hell do you mean by that?
TOM: [a little angry too] We were, and you know it! We stopped doing stuff together, we were always pissed off at each other, we couldn抰 get anything to work out, we never had the same plans梬e just weren抰 working out! It happens, okay? I抦 sorry for what happened with Daria, but it doesn抰 change the fact that you and I just weren抰 making it!
Another short pause with dark stares.
JANE: [low voice, grudging] Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. It doesn抰 excuse what you did, but you抮e right, we weren抰 doing so well. [pause, upset look] Then . . . I don抰 get it. Why did you even go out with me? What was all that about? Why抎 you even bother?
TOM: [low voice] Because I liked you. I still do. You抮e funny, you抮e smart, you抮e . . . you抮e not like everyone else. You抮e different. You live life the way you want, and you抮e just . . . you抮e like completely in charge of your life. You know your own mind. You抮e confident, you抮e exciting, you抳e really got it together. You抮e like the coolest person in all of Lawndale.
JANE: [pause, then smiles slightly] I am, aren抰 I?
TOM: [nods] You are. You really are.
JANE: [smile hardens] And that wasn抰 good enough for you, was it?
Tom has no answer to this. His mouth opens, then shuts. He looks down.
JANE: [smile fades, calm] So, I抦 the coolest person in all Lawndale. [pause] Thanks. I抦 just sorry that you had to [yells at top of her lungs] SUCK!
TOM: [pause, swallows, low voice] Can抰 argue with that.
JANE: [nods, calm again] That抯 right. You can抰.
Jane turns and walks out of Tom抯 home, slamming the door behind her.
SCENE X14. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HELEN扴 LAW
OFFICE, LAWNDALE
Helen talks on a portable phone, pacing back and forth in her office.
HELEN: [furious] I抦 not asking the impossible, you know! It抯 only four or five hundred pages! [pause] Well, call me back when you get out of the emergency room! [thumbs a phone button, hanging up] Of all the nerve!
Helen抯 assistant, Marianne, opens the door to Helen抯 office enough to poke her head in.
MARIANNE: [clears throat] Excuse me, Helen?
HELEN: [yells] What is it? It抯 crunch time! Cut to the chase!
Marianne opens the door wider. Behind Marianne is Daria, looking as depressed and upset as she can possibly be, just short of tears.
HELEN: [still ranting] I need the four one . . . [startled, calms down] one. [pause] Daria?
SCENE X15. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, AT THE SETTLEMENT
RESTAURANT, LAWNDALE
We see a brief exterior view of The Settlement restaurant before showing an interior scene. Helen and Daria sit across from each other at a booth.
DARIA: . . . then Jane ran off, and I don抰 know where she is or how she is, and I feel like dog crap.
HELEN: Daria, you did nothing wrong. It抯 hard being a teenager. Your mind is filled with all these new emotions and experiences, and your hormones?/p>
DARIA: This isn抰 about my rampaging teenage hormones, Mom. My best friend抯 boyfriend tried to kiss me, and I hit him and probably made them break up.
HELEN: You didn抰 make them break up, Daria. Jane抯 boyfriend seems to have done all the breakup work by himself. [darkly] And a good job he抯 done of it, too.
DARIA: I just want things to be like they were, with Jane and me. Everything was almost under control again, then this happened and now I抳e lost my best friend in the world. [pause] My only friend.
HELEN: Don抰 be too sure of that, Daria. Jane cares a lot about you, you know.
DARIA: [low voice] I can抰 imagine why she would, now.
HELEN: I can抰 imagine that she has any better friend in the world than you.
DARIA: [lower voice, looks down] I should never have gotten in Tom抯 car to begin with.
HELEN: [softly and carefully] Why do you think you did that?
Daria is silent for a few moments.
DARIA: [softly] I don抰 know.
HELEN: Tom always struck me as a nice young man. He抯 a smart boy, well mannered, friendly?/p>
DARIA: Until he tried to put his tongue down my throat.
Helen gasps.
DARIA: Well, okay, not really. But he did try to kiss me.
HELEN: [carefully] Did you find him attractive?
DARIA: [crossly] I dunno.
Helen waits, watching Daria.
DARIA: A little. [pause] He was okay to talk to. [face gets red] He looked okay. [frowns] I still shouldn抰 have gotten in his car.
HELEN: If he wasn抰 dating Jane, would you liked to have gone out with him?
DARIA: [looks up, peeved] Mom, how would I know? Okay, so he was all right. He was smarter than I抎 thought. He was funny. [pause, looks down, low voice] I think he liked me. [stares at table, face gets red]
Helen looks at Daria with gentle sadness, sensing her loss.
DARIA: [low voice, looks down] I just hope Jane doesn抰 totally hate me for this.
HELEN: Give her time, dear. She抯 been through a lot today. As have you.
DARIA: [sad, looks down] Life sucks.
HELEN: Doesn抰 it, though? And yet, we still have those times when life is great. We have to keep ourselves going, so those good moments will catch up to us.
DARIA: I抦 ready for one to drop by, any time now.
HELEN: It抣l come.
Helen smiles at Daria, who looks up and nods faintly.
DARIA: [low voice] I hope so. God, I hope so.
SCENE X16. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, LIVING ROOM, LANE HOME
Jane lies on her stomach on the living room sofa, her face turned away, one arm dangling off the edge. Her older brother Trent walks in, yawning.
TRENT: Yo. [pause, no answer] Janey?
Jane sniffs and wipes her eyes before turning her head to face Trent. Her eyes are red.
JANE: [low voice] What are you doing up?
TRENT: What time is it?
JANE: [looks at clock across the room] Two sixteen.
TRENT: Must be insomnia. [pause] You okay?
JANE: [wipes eyes] No.
TRENT: Your hair looks good.
JANE: [flat dispirited voice, tear runs down her face] Great. That抯 bloody wonderful.
TRENT: Want some breakfast?
JANE: [monotone] It抯 past lunchtime, Trent.
TRENT: Late lunch, then. Pizza? My treat?
JANE: [wipes eyes again] Not hungry.
TRENT: [checks pockets] That抯 cool. I don抰 have any money. Let抯 go for a drive.
JANE: [looks at Trent] Why?
TRENT: We need to go for more rides.
JANE: [pause, sighs heavily] Okay.
SCENE X17. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, INSIDE TRENT扴 CAR
Trent drives while Jane sits in the passenger seat, looking very depressed.
JANE: [depressed voice] . . . then I came back here and went for a walk. I shouldn抰 have run off on Daria like that, but I wasn抰 thinking. I was too mad. I called the school when I got back, but she didn抰 go in today, and she抯 not home. I don抰 know where she is.
TRENT: She抣l be okay. She抯 still your friend.
JANE: I hope so. It wasn抰 her fault. [darker tone] Though I still don抰 know why she got into Tom抯 car in the first place.
TRENT: [shrugs] She didn抰 know.
JANE: [grudging tone] I guess. [sighs] That jerk.
TRENT: Tom.
JANE: Yeah.
TRENT: You抣l pull through this.
JANE: If I don抰 throw up and die first.
TRENT: Hmmm. Want me to go by Tom抯 place so you can throw up in his yard?
JANE: [smiles painfully] Good idea. [smile fades] It would be better if I stayed away from him, though.
TRENT: Good for your mental health.
JANE: [darkly] I really wasn抰 thinking about my health. [looks at Trent] Where are we going, anyway?
TRENT: Daria抯. She might be home now.
SCENE X18. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, FRONT HALL, MORGENDORFFER HOME
The front doorbell rings. Daria walks to the door and opens it. Jane stands on the other side. Trent抯 car is parked on the street behind Jane.
JANE: [anxious] Yo.
DARIA: [sad] Hi. I抣l understand if you never want to see me again.
JANE: Okay. Pizza?
DARIA: Um . . . I抦 not very hungry.
JANE: I抣l buy.
DARIA: [pause, expression brightens] Okay.
JANE: Let抯 save the talk until we get there. No point in torturing Trent. Not that he抎 ever notice.
SCENE X19. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, A PIZZA RESTAURANT, LAWNDALE
Daria and Jane sit in their usual booth with drinks and a small, steaming pizza between them. Both look worn out and downcast.
DARIA: I was so stupid. I swear I抣l never talk to or go near Tom again.
JANE: That抯 funny. That抯 what I told him after I broke his nose this morning.
DARIA: [wide eyes, shocked] You didn抰!
JANE: [casual shrug] Eh. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. I wanted the breakup to have an official ring to it.
DARIA: So you two broke up? [soft voice] Wow, you really are a lady and a tiger.
JANE: I guess. It surprised me, too. [pause, nonchalant] You know, you can go out with him if you want, after he gets back from the plastic surgeon. It抯 okay with me.
DARIA: [shocked/angry] No way! I don抰 ever want to see him again!
JANE: [relieved smile] We抮e so much alike, you and me, it抯 frightening. [pushes pizza toward Daria] You first.
After a moment, Daria takes a slice and bites into it. She chews, then stops and blinks. She puts the pizza slice down, takes off her glasses, and wipes her eyes.
JANE: Too much pepper?
DARIA: No. [sniffs, near tears, then puts glasses back on and shows her red eyes]
JANE: [smiles, very moved] It抯 good to be back with you, too, Morgendorffer.
DARIA: [avoids looking at Jane] Just shut up and eat.
Jane smiles and takes a slice for herself. Across the room at another table, Trent looks over at the two梐nd he smiles in relief.
SCENE X20. INT: THAT EVENING, JANE扴 BEDROOM, LANE HOME
After a brief outside view of the Lane home at night, we peer into Jane抯 bedroom. Jane sits on her bed, head down, elbows on her knees, hands clasped in front of her. Soft music plays from a CD boom box. Jane appears very depressed. She finally rouses herself and gets up to walk aimlessly around her room. She stops near a canvas picture with its face turned to the wall. She turns the picture around梐nd it抯 the self-portrait of her with tiger-striped hair, seen earlier in this episode. Jane stares at this for a while, then turns it back to the wall and stares down at it. She kicks it lightly with one foot, but not enough to harm it. She then shrugs and walks back to her bed, sitting down and covering her face with her hands. An image of Tom kissing her, after she finished the self-portrait, comes up from memory, then fades. She sniffs but sits quietly.
SCENE X21. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, LIVING ROOM,
MORGENDORFFER HOME
After a brief outside view of the Morgendorffer home at night, we peer into the living room. Daria sits on the couch, watching TV with an unhappy expression.
TV ANNOUNCER: [VO] Everyone knows that Hitler was cloned梑ut why can抰 anyone find the runty little goosesteppers? Watch 揥here have all the Fuehrers gone??next, on 揝ick, Sad World?
Daria raises the remote and turns off the TV. She drops the remote on the couch beside her, staring sadly into space. Her gaze drops, and she sees the coffee table book of T. S. Eliot. After a pause, she reaches for the book and flips it open, then reads aloud softly.
DARIA: [talks to self] 揟he awful daring of a moment抯 surrender / Which an age of prudence can never retract.?[stares at page, then closes the book] I guess it could have been worse. I could have kissed him back.
Daria mediates on this and becomes sadder. She gets up and leaves for the staircase, taking the portable phone with her.
SCENE X22. INT: MOMENTS LATER, DARIA扴 BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria walks in, drops the portable phone on her bed, and sits on the bed抯 edge. After a moment, she flops on her back to stare at the ceiling. Images of past conversations with Tom appear as she remembers her attraction to him: the parade (揑 Loathe a Parade?, talking with him at Jane抯 house (揊ire!?, and so on. The images fade out and leave Daria alone in bed, looking sad.
The portable phone beside her rings.
DARIA: [calls loudly] Quinn! Can you get the phone? [low voice] Damn it. [picks up the phone, thumbs it on] Morgendorffers.
TOM: [VO] Daria? It抯 me, Tom. Listen?/p>
With an angry look, Daria thumbs the phone off, hanging up. She is still frowning when the phone rings again. Looking irritated, Daria picks it up and thumbs it on.
DARIA: [angry] What?
JANE: [VO] Yo.
DARIA: [instantly contrite] Oh. It抯 you. I抦 sorry.
JANE: [VO] No problem. You okay?
DARIA: Yeah, I guess. You?
JANE: [VO, pause] Eh.
DARIA: [after a pause] You want to come over?
JANE: [VO, softly] Not tonight. I need some alone time. Have to get my head sorted out, maybe cry my eyes out a little longer.
DARIA: [pained] Sure. [pause] Um, see you tomorrow?
JANE: [VO] You bet. The day after, too.
DARIA: [relieved] Good.
JANE: [VO] Good night, amiga.
DARIA: You, too.
Daria thumbs the phone off梐nd gives a tired but relieved smile to the ceiling.
*
Author抯 Notes II: This story is not a direct copy of the original DDMD script. Only a few lines were retained from the earlier one, the rest being rewritten to maintain the flavor of the original (and the essence of its scenes) while adding more material and setting up the new ending. I borrowed the concept of the 搒nowball effect?from alternate history writing, in which a small change creates progressively greater aftereffects until a major break in the timeline occurs.
牋牋牋牋牋?This story was influenced in part by CINCGreen抯 essay, 揟he Fall of Tommunism?(http://www.geocities.com/cincgreen/tommunism.html). The essay appeared when I was halfway through this story already, but CINCGreen抯 observations about Tom and his role in 揇aria?were intriguing and useful. He is, of course, not of course to be blamed for any part of this story, and neither are the beta readers.
牋牋牋牋牋?Kara Wild抯 essay, 揟he Other Side of the Kiss,?also influenced this story to a degree. It, too, is online (http://www.the-wildone.com/essays/kw_essays/tosotk.html), and its author cannot be blamed in any way for this story抯 plot or outcome.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sort of makes you wonder what the fifth season might have been like, eh? Alas.
Original: 1/15/03
Script, alternate history
FINIS