BESSIE THE RED-EYED MAD COW
By Lawndale Stalker
December ?3
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"The mother of all domestic disputes! Saddam抯 ex tells all, next on Sick, Sad World!"
Daria picked up the remote and pressed the mute button as the commercials started. "That sounds like it抯 gonna be one of those segments that抯 so hokey it抯 funny," she remarked to Jane, sitting beside her on the familiar Morgendorffer sofa.
"Didn抰 he bump his wife off?" Jane asked.
"I can抰 remember ever hearing about a wife," Daria replied. "He could抳e bumped off several of them, for all I know. His sons sure didn抰 show any signs of ever having had a mother抯 love."
"Mm, good point," Jane acknowledged. She looked around the Morgendorffer family room, largely unchanged since their high school days, and smiled. "I sure appreciate your family putting up with me for these holiday visits, Daria. It抯 strange, but I think I feel as much at home here as I would at the old homestead."
"Well, you know I抦 glad you came, and Mom and Dad are too. They were bugging me to be sure to bring you."
Before Jane could reply to that, the phone rang. Daria picked it up. "Hello? Oh, hi, Sandi. 卼his is Daria. 匘aria." Daria rolled her eyes and looked slightly irritated as Jane watched with amusement. "You know, Quinn抯 cousin?" Jane snickered quietly at that.
Daria listened for a time, displaying various droll expressions. "Yes, Jane and I are here for Christmas break. Yes, just like Quinn. Quinn抯 out right now, she should be back soon. Are you home from college too?" Daria listened again, looking a bit surprised. "Oh, I see. That sounds like an interesting job. Are you enjoying it?"
Jane watched Daria frown slightly, then replace that expression with a wry smile. "Uh huh?Mm hmm?I see..." Daria covered the mouthpiece and spoke quietly to Jane. "It抯 Sandi Griffin. She抯 clerking at Junior Five now. And?something about the current Lawndale High fashion club."
Daria uncovered the mouthpiece. "Well, good for you. I抣l tell her you called as soon as she comes in." She frowned again. "You want to bring them over here? Can you fit them all in your car?"
Jane watched Daria抯 expression change again, to a wicked little smile that she knew so well. Daria crossed her legs, leaned back, and threw an arm over the back of the sofa. "Sure, I know it抯 not far, Sandi, I just thought you might not want to be out on foot now, you know, what with the mad cow thing."
Daria抯 expression reminded Jane of a fisherman watching his bobber while a fish sniffed around the bait down below. "Oh, sure, that one cow is dead, but they haven抰 found the rest of the herd it was with when it came down from Canada. And they haven抰 had time to trace all the cows it might have infected and test them, and get the test results back from the lab, or traced it back to its birth herd. So we have no idea yet how many cows are mad."
Jane shot Daria a "what the ****?" look, and got a wink in return. Daria listened, then continued, "Oh, sure, once they reach the falling-down stage, they aren抰 very dangerous, unless they fall on you. That抯 the last stage before death. But it takes years for the cow to get to that stage, with the disease gradually eating away at its brain. Each animal reacts differently, depending on what part of the brain is being attacked. In the initial outbreak in England, you know, hundreds of people were killed, as well as thousands of cows. You don抰 usually think of cows as dangerous, but they are very large animals. And they don抰 call it 慚ad Cow Disease?for nothing."
Jane leaned closer to Daria, trying to hear the other side of the conversation. She managed to hear Sandi say something about "協(xié)enced in, aren抰 they?"
Daria replied, "Well, sure, but those fences don抰 even keep normal cows in all the time, and if a cow didn抰 mind getting scratched up a little, they probably wouldn抰 be much good at all. And there are quite a few dairies and cattle ranches around Lawndale. But like you said, you don抰 really have far to walk. You probably won抰 have any trouble. Quinn will probably be back by the time you guys get over here, and I抦 sure she抎 love to meet the current fashion club."
Sandi抯 voice came tinnily from the phone. "Well, uh, when she comes in, just tell her we抮e over here, and she can drive over if she wants to."
"Okay, Sandi, I抣l do that. Nice talking to you." Still smiling, Daria pushed the disconnect button.
Jane could hardly contain herself. "What the flock was that all about?" she demanded, grinning.
"Oh, Sandi was thinking of bring the current fashion club over here to meet Quinn, but she decided it would be more convenient to have Quinn go over there." Daria replied nonchalantly.
"I mean the part about the attack of the killer cows."
"Why, Jane, surely you抳e heard that a case of mad cow disease has been confirmed in this country," Daria said.
"I haven抰 heard any of that outrageous balderdash about hordes of mad cows roaming the countryside that you were just spouting," Jane insisted, smirking.
Daria tried to look innocent but couldn抰 quite pull it off. "Well, goodness, Jane, I may have been speculating a bit, but that抯 all any of us can do until?
The front door opened and Quinn came in, laden with shopping bags. "Brrr! It抯 starting to get nippy out there," she said.
"Hi, Quinn," Daria greeted her. Jane waved. "Sandi called. She said the current Lawndale High fashion club is over at her place."
"Oh, yeah, we talked about her bringing them over here, and I was going to tell them about the latest college fashions," Quinn said. "Are they on the way?"
"Sandi thought it might be safer if she kept them at her place, and you came over there."
Quinn stopped taking off her jacket. "What? Why?", she asked.
"She said she didn抰 want to risk the mad cows unnecessarily," Daria replied, straight-faced.
Quinn stared open-mouthed at Daria, who shrugged in reply. She zipped up her jacket again. "That Sandi," she muttered. "I swear I don抰 know how she graduated high school!" Shaking her head, she turned and went back out the door.
Jane turned back to Daria. "Okay, amiga, what was that all about?"
Daria said, "Listen. Do you hear that?"
Jane listened. "All I hear is silence," she said.
"Exactly. I rest my case," Daria smirked.
La la LA la la.