ALTERNATE ENDING #2: QUINN
THE BRAIN(What if...)
by Daniel Timothy Dey?
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Note: In order to make any sense of this fanfic, you
have to had seen the Daria episode #203, 換uinn the Brain.?I抦 not the first
person to come up with an alternative ending for this episode, or any other
episode for that matter. As far as I know, the first and only person was Austin
Covello. He抯 got his alternative, now I抳e got mine. And while he claimed that
the original episode shouldn抰 have gone the way it did in his fic, I think my
alternative should抳e happened. But then, I抳e got about as much of a right to
say what should抳e happened as he does. I抦 going to start at the scene where
Jane paints while Daria lays upside-down on Jane抯 bed with her hair hanging
over the foot of it卛n that famous position we male Daria fans all love. I also
swiped some of these lines from Martin J. Pollard抯 transcripts on Outpost
Daria. Hope nobody minds. This fanfic was written between October 13, 2000 and
July 10, 2003, thanks partially to a crappy PC and the frequent need to borrow
the PC抯 of other people.
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(at Jane抯 house, in Jane抯 room)
(Jane is painting while Daria is laying on Jane抯 bed in
that position all us guys love.[Come on, admit it.]).
Jane: 揌mm, by the way, anything eating away at your soul??
Daria: 揌er writing抯 bad. Don抰 people know the difference
between good and bad??
Jane: 揝he抯 cute. There抯 different standards for cute
people.?
Daria: 揧ou mean, no standards.?
Jane: 揜ight.?
Daria: 揑sn抰 there ever a time when how you look doesn抰
affect how you抮e judged??
Jane: 揥hen you donate an organ. Unless it抯 your eyes.
Listen, it抯 not big deal.?
Daria: 揟he thing is, if she抯 a brain, what do I get to be??
Jane: 揧ou抮e still a brain.?
Daria: 揧eah, but she抯 a brain with bouncy hair. I can抰
compete.?
Jane: 揙kay, then you get to be... A super brain. An even
bigger outcast than before.?
Daria: 揑 don抰 think I can survive being a super brain.?
Jane: 揟hen she抯 got to be stopped. But how??
Daria: 揙h, I know how, I just haven抰 been able to bring
myself to do it. Until now.?
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(at school, in the hallway)
Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - (walks up)
Daria: 揧es??
Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie: 揢m, well, actually, Daria? I
mean... No, never mind.?(start to leave)
Daria: 揥ait.?
Jeffy: 揘o, um, it抯 a mistake. We thought...?
Daria: 揑f you squinted hard enough maybe I抎 look like a
different Morgendorffer??
Joey: 揢m...?o:p>
Daria: 揕ook, do you really want Quinn back??
Jeffy: 揧es.?
Jamie: 揂 thousand times yes.?
Joey: 揃ring her back! You gotta bring her back!?
Daria: 揟hen do exactly what I say, and I抣l deliver the
goods.?
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(at Daria抯 house, in Daria抯 room)
[Song: 揥hat Do You Want From Me?,?by Monaco(just like in
the original script)]
(Daria dresses up like Quinn)
Daria(to reflection in
mirror): 揌i! Could you get me a soda??(puts hand to forehead)
(doorbell rings)
Jake: 揌ey dudes! Quinn! Your dates are here!?
Joey: 揂ctually, we抮e here to ask Daria out.?
Jake: 揌uh??
Jeffy: 揧ou know, your other daughter.?
Jamie: 揃y the way, how抯 Quinn??
Jeffy: 揝hut up, Jamie.?
Daria: 揌i, Quinn.?
Quinn: 揌i, Daria.?
Daria: 揥ell, I抦 off for my dates. (leans against the wall) One... two...?
Quinn: 揢gh! Wait! (runs
up to Daria) You win, all right??(Starts
to run away)
Daria(teasing): 揅an I come too??o:p>
Quinn(Looking back in disgust): 揙ooh, alright! But only because it抎 be a complete waste for you to be all dressed up with nowhere to go.?o:p>
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(at Daria抯 front door, Jake and the Triple J抯 stare in
amazement as Quinn, and Daria walk down the steps. Daria抯 dressed like Quinn,
while Quinn is wearing a blue halter-top with a pink scarf and red mini-skirt)
Jake: 揥ow. Daria. If I were their age...?o:p>
Joey: 揧ou抎 be a weird old man.?
Jake: 揑抎 be anxious to dance with a girl like you.?o:p>
Jeffy: 揘ot if I get my hands on her first.
Jake: 揂h, that抯 okay, dudes. I envy you three for being your age and in the presence of such beauty. I mean, is this young brunette the most beautiful woman in the house or what??o:p>
Quinn: 揇ad, don抰 put any wild ideas in Daria抯?head, okay? I抦 only doing this as a favor for her. The last thing I want is for people to think she抯 on the same level with me.?o:p>
Jamie: 揑 don抰, Quinn.?o:p>
Jeffy: 揝hut up, Jamie.?o:p>
Jake: 揌elen. Come look in the den.?o:p>
Daria: 揙h, no.?o:p>
(Helen is just walking out of the kitchen)
Helen: 揓ake, if this is another one of your tirades about evil squirrels...?notices Daria抯 new look, and gasps in delight)揙h, Daira, I抦 so proud of you!?o:p>
Daria: 揗om, just so you know, this is only for one night. I抦 trying to get an early start on the Halloween spirit.?o:p>
Helen: 揇on抰 be so modest. I knew you had it in you. You should keep dressing this way more often. You抣l soon find a surprising number of benefits if you look more presentable.?o:p>
Daria: 揂s I stated before, this is just a one-time deal.?o:p>
Jake: 揘ow how can you say that? One reason I married your mother was because she was gorgeous. And I knew if we had daughters, they抎 be as gorgeous as her.?o:p>
Joey: 揑 had a sneaking suspicion that Daria was really a babe.?o:p>
Jeffy: 揥ell, I didn抰 at first, but eventually I realized she had to be a beauty. I mean after all she抯 related to Quinn, and it obviously runs in the family.?o:p>
(Joey and Jeffy mutter in agreement. Jake joins in, and
Jamie seems to go along with them. Quinn seems nervous over the potential
revelation of their sisterhood and stops the men in the middle of their
chatter)
Quinn: 揕et抯 go Daria. I want to get this over with.?o:p>
Quinn walks out followed by Jamie, then Daria as Joey and
Jeffy follow them. Helen tries to stop her before she leaves.
Helen: 揝ee what happens when you try to fit in, Daria??o:p>
Daria: 揧eah, you turn into someone you wish you never became.?o:p>
Jake: 揌uh??o:p>
Daria: 揋ood night, Dad匨om. Don抰 wait up.?o:p>
Daria closes the door as Helen glares at Jake.
Jake(defensive): 揥hat??o:p>
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[Song(on car radio):
揋roovin?On You,?by Juned.]
(In Jamie抯 car. Quinn is up front with Jamie, while Daria
is in the back seat with Joey and Jeffy)
Daria(teasing): 揥ould
anybody like me to rest my head on their shoulders??span style="mso-spacerun:
yes">?
Quinn(Frustrated Grunt).
Jamie: 揧ou can rest on my shoulder, Quinn.?o:p>
Quinn: 揟hat抯 fine, Jamie.?o:p>
Daria(still teasing):
揥hy don抰 we go to Chez Pierre?(sing-song)
I抳e got coupons.?
Quinn(Similar grunt, but whinier).
Daria(teasing): 揝omething
wrong, Quinn??span style="mso-spacerun: yes">?
Quinn(angrily): 揘o, I just thought we抎 be better off at Pizza King.?o:p>
Daria: 揚(yáng)izza king, it is.?o:p>
(Brief pause. Jeffy tries to make a move on Daria.)
Daria (to Joey, teasing): 揑 like brunettes. Do you like brunettes, Joey??o:p>
Joey (Still mesmerized, not thinking): 揢h, huh.?o:p>
Jeffy: 揑 can dye my hair if you like.?o:p>
Quinn looks away toward the passenger side window, green
with envy. Jamie occasionally looks at her with concern and sympathy, but has
to concentrate on his driving.
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(at Pizza King)
Quinn: 揇aria, would you mind sitting at another table??o:p>
Joey: 揑抣l sit with you, Daria.?o:p>
Jeffy: 揧eah, me too.?o:p>
Joey: 揘o, just me.?o:p>
Jamie: 揑抣l sit with you Quinn.?o:p>
Quinn: 揝ure, Jamie. I could use the company (V.O.)?not to mention the chance to prove I抦 more popular than Daria.?o:p>
Jamie:?揂lright!?o:p>
Quinn & Jamie and Daria, Joey and Jeffy are now at
separate stalls. Unfortunately for Quinn, they can see each other. Out of
nowhere, Daria kisses Jeffy smack dab on the lips. He抯 more surprised about it
than she is. She then goes to Joey who抯 eagerly anticipating another
smooch-fest from Daria.
Jamie now realizes Daria抯 trying to make Quinn jealous. So
he reaches over to french kiss Quinn.
Quinn: 揂uuugh! That抯 disgusting!!?o:p>
(Storms off into the girls?bathroom.)
Daria: 揙kay guys. I think you抣l get her back in a few days.?o:p>
(Joey and Jeffy moan in disappointment)
Jamie: 揃ut she just said厰
Daria(interrupting): 揇on抰 worry, Jamie. In a few days she抣l be back to normal.?o:p>
Joey: 揢h, Daria.?o:p>
Daria: 揧es??o:p>
Joey: 揥ould you mind if I kissed you one more time? Pleeease??o:p>
Daria: 揥ell, alright.?o:p>
(Joey and Daria move in on each other, hugging while running
their hands through each other抯 hair. Viewers see the back of Joey抯 head
nearly covering all of Daria抯 face).
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(at school, in the hallway)
Jane: 揂nd you What?!?/i>
Daria: 揑 dressed up like Quinn. I went out with Joey and Jeffy, while Quinn had Jamie.?She nearly flipped.?o:p>
Jane: 揑抎 love to make a videotape of that. (Daria glares and smirks at Jane) But seriously, how did it go??o:p>
Daria: 揘ot bad, considering their collective I.Q.抯. Joey抯 actually quite a good kisser, for someone so stupid, desperate and inexperienced.?o:p>
Jane: 揧ou didn抰 go any further than that, like have a threesome with them, did you??o:p>
Daria: 揥ith them? I don抰 think either one of them could handle the shock.?o:p>
Jane(Relieved): 揘either
could I.?
(Camera pans over to the fashion club walking by)
Quinn: 揧eah, I didn抰 even write the essay, I found it in
the garbage and handed it in. The whole thing was like a runaway train.?
Sandi: 揥ell that still doesn抰 explain black clothes. But I
guess I can let it slide.?
Quinn: 揇on抰 worry, I抦 through being an intellectual. I抦
too well-adjusted.?
Tiffany: 揗essing with the mind can be so dangerous.?
Quinn: 揟ell me about it.?
Jane: 揑 guess things are back to normal.?
Daria: 揊ashion... Good. Thinking... Bad.?
Jane: 揧eah, we win.?
Daria: 揑抦 on top of the world.?
(closing credits) ?
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Comments: Now that wasn抰 so bad, was it? Admittedly,
it抯 not the original, but I still think it抯 a pretty cool alternative. Of
course, if the writers actually did
make it end like this, we wouldn抰 have seen Quinn try to bribe Daria with a
double date in 揟he New Kid?#207), because Quinn would抳e learned her lesson
here. After all, she抯 not a complete idiot, like Kevin & Brittany.
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Disclaimer: Daria was created?by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. The
episode 換uinn the Brain?was written by Rachel Lipman. All characters and the
rest of the supporting cast, are property of MTV Productions, and are used
without permission. This story is not to be sold or profited from, nor was it
intended to be sold or profited from by the author. Besides, the original
should be on DVD anyway and if it is by the time you抮e reading this, you
should buy that instead. Thanks to the denizens of the Paperpusher Message
Board for their compliments and other comments.
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