True Lies
?004 The Angst Guy
(theangstguy@yahoo.com)
Daria and associated
characters are ?004 MTV Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent,
just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to:
theangstguy@yahoo.com
Synopsis: What were Daria and Quinn
really doing out late on a school night just before they were caught by their
parents in the opening scene of 揟he Big House? And who would dare to believe
their answers?
Author抯
Notes: This
story was written in response to an Iron Chef contest on PPMB in early 2004,
but it proved to be a little controversial. Here it is. Enjoy!
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Kara Wild, who
thought this had some redeeming value. Thanks also to Outpost Daria (www.outpost-daria.com) for posting the
transcript of the first-season episode, 揟he Big House,?the opening part of
which is used in this story.
*
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn Morgendorffer, almost fifteen
years old and nobody抯 fool, made her ride let her out a full block away from
her home that warm spring evening. She knew perfectly well that the sound of a
car stopping in front of the house would tip off her parents that she was back
at twelve minutes to eleven on a school night, when her date was supposed to
have ended at nine-thirty.
牋牋牋牋牋?Her cover story, however, was
basically foolproof, and she reviewed its elements as she walked up the
sidewalk along Glen Oaks Lane. She抎 hidden a small makeup kit with built-in
lights on the back patio next to a lawn chair. Silently, she would walk around
to the backyard, turn on the makeup mirror, and knock on the patio doors for
her parents to let her in. The chances were fair that her fuming mother would
accept her excuse that she抎 gotten home at nine-thirty, then spent over an hour
out back trying on different types of makeup to see which one looked best in
dim light. Her clueless father would buy any story, no matter how fantastic.
牋牋牋牋牋?I抣l have to put some makeup on, first, of course, she thought with a nod. Otherwise, the story will be bogus and?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The sound of a car behind her
spurred her into a run. She could not afford to be seen by one of her parents?local friends, wandering around out front of her house where she wasn抰
supposed to be. Quinn made it to the bushes near the front door and hid behind
an evergreen shrub just as a canary-yellow sedan pulled up in front of the
two-story suburban residence that the Morgendorffers called home.
牋牋牋牋牋?To Quinn抯 astonishment, her
sixteen-year-old sister Daria got out of the front passenger side of the car.
She抎 thought Daria would be home by now, lying on her bed reading a book or
doing something equally dull. For a second, Quinn wondered if Daria had been on
a date梩hen mentally slapped herself. Talk about the impossible.
牋牋牋牋牋?Even from a distance, Quinn heard
Daria whisper, 揟hanks!?to the unseen driver before she carefully shut the car
door. The sedan then roared off toward the end of Glen Oaks. Quinn winced. Damn
it! Mom and Dad are sure to hear that! And I can抰 run around back now because
Daria will see me! Her alibi was in grave danger of being sunk before it
had even been launched.
牋牋牋牋牋?But . . . what was Daria doing out
so late? Quinn frowned, determined to get to the bottom of this.
牋牋牋牋牋?As Daria tiptoed up the sidewalk to
the front door, pulling a house key from a pocket of her green jacket, Quinn
left the bushes. Her feet were soundless on the grass as she got behind her
sister, ready to strike. 揌old it, young lady!?she said in her best
imitation-Mom voice.
牋牋牋牋牋?It was satisfying to see Daria flinch
and freeze, then turn half around with a look of infinite disgust. 揊unny,?her
sister said in a very unfunny tone.
牋牋牋牋牋?Gotcha! 揥hat are you doing
out so late??Quinn asked. Her instincts said this secret might be good.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat are you doing out so
late??her sister retorted with a glare.
牋牋牋牋牋?Typical of Daria to dodge the issue by asked another question. 揥hat do you mean??said Quinn. 揑抦 always out so late.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria nodded in agreement, her anger
fading. 揟hen you can tell me how to sneak in,?she said blandly.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥ell, for one thing, stop tiptoeing around like a geek. Have a little dignity, Daria.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria sniffed. 揑f I had any dignity, do you think I抎 be letting you teach me how to be cool??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn rolled her eyes in annoyance. 揥hat-ever.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The conversation was interrupted at
this point by the sound of a window opening on the second floor. Both girls
looked up with the expressions they抎 had as preschoolers when caught raiding
an off-limits cookie can.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat抯 going on down there??shouted their father.
牋牋牋牋牋?揗ore threatening!?said their
mother, farther back in their bedroom.
牋牋牋牋牋?揕et me handle it!?snapped their father, looking behind him. He looked down at his daughters again. 揇arn it, what抯 going on down there??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, you sound like such a geek,?grumbled their mother.
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o one here but us jewel thieves,?Daria called. 揋o back to sleep.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hy aren抰 you in your room??their father yelled. 揥ere you and Quinn at the library all night??o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋??i>Daa-ad!?yelled Quinn. 揚(yáng)uh-leeze!?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, sorry!?he called back, then looked
stern again. 揧our mother and I will be right down! We抣l get to the bottom of
this!?Their father withdrew, but he banged his head on the window frame as he
did. Colorful curses, mixed with the thumping of adult footsteps heading for
the staircase, floated out from the open window.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria and Quinn looked at each other
in defeat. 揕ike rats in a trap,?said Daria, shoulders drooping.
牋牋牋牋牋?揈ww!?said her sister with distaste. 揧ou, maybe, but I抦 more of a chinchilla kind of person.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria could not suppress the image
of how chinchillas were turned into fur coats: fifty thousand volts up the
butt. She wondered what an electric charge like that would do to Quinn抯
long red hair. 揝o, what were you really doing out this late at night??she
asked, having nothing else to say before they were captured and punished.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn raised her chin and looked her
sister in the eye. 揑 was at Dawn抯 house studying algebra,?she said flatly.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria had to admire Quinn抯 cheek.
She didn抰 know which part of the lie was worse梩hat Quinn had been studying
algebra, that Quinn had been studying at all, or that Quinn had given up a
perfectly good dating night to visit an overweight, unfashionable, and only
mildly popular girl from Daria抯 sophomore class. I wish I could lie like that,
she said to herself with a touch of envy. I抎 be President of the United
States in no time.
牋牋牋牋牋?She thinks I抦 lying, thought
Quinn in relief. Having lived with Daria all her life, she could read her
sister抯 minimalist expressions with masterful ease. All the better that no one
ever know the truth梩hat Quinn, the queen of popularity and cuteness, really
had been at Dawn抯 house studying algebra, because when Dawn took off her
CD-player earphones and interacted with the real world, she knew algebra as thoroughly
as Quinn knew fashion.
牋牋牋牋牋?That had been the nature of the
tradeoff, in fact. In exchange for secret, last-minute tutoring, Quinn gave
Dawn a small bottle of one of her favorite perfumes and copious advice on what
sorts of jewelry would go best with the math whiz抯 blue eyes and light brown
hair. Quinn was now sure to pass the big math test on Friday, saving herself
from repeating ninth grade and losing bazillions of popularity points.
Thankfully, algebra was forgettable once the test was done梐nd Dawn would never
tell. She had been pleased that someone as popular as Quinn needed her help and
had rewarded her so well. Quinn vowed to never speak ill of Dawn again. It was
a promise she thought she might even keep.
牋牋牋牋牋?Life, which for Quinn only sucked
once in a while, got a little bit better.
牋牋牋牋牋?揧our turn,?said Quinn icily. 揝pill it. The Inquisition is almost here.?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria stared back at her sister. Her
right cheek twitched. 揑 was at that sex-toys shop just off Interstate Nine,
picking out a vibrator,?she said in the deadest of deadpans.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn抯 face was overwhelmed with horror and revulsion. ?i>Eww! Why do I even talk to you??she yelled, stamping her foot. 揧ou never do anything other than go to the library and read perverted books so you can make up perverted stories like that that just make you look so totally . . . perverted!?o:p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The front door of the
Morgendorffers?home opened at this point and their angry parents came out,
mercifully ending the conversation. A half-hour later, after the expected
lectures and promises of horrible punishments to come, Daria checked her
bedroom door to be sure it was locked, then turned off the lights and got into
bed.
牋牋牋牋牋?She left her newly purchased vibrator in her jacket in the closet, though. It made a buzzing noise that she feared would attract the attention of either Quinn or her parents down the hall, and she was dead determined that no one ever find out what she抎 done梐nyone other than her best friend Jane Lane, of course, who had driven them to the sex-toys shop in her sister Summer抯 old yellow Mazda. With eighty dollars riding on an impulsive dare, Jane had coolly bought two small vibrators at the shop, one for herself and one for Daria. Each had hidden her vibrator inside her jacket before they got back on the Interstate and headed home梐nd promptly got caught in a long traffic snarl resulting from a truck accident.
牋牋牋牋牋?When the traffic unsnarled, they
were over an hour late. Jane, who answered to no one at her house, was in the
clear. Daria was not.
牋牋牋牋牋?To Daria, losing eighty dollars to
Jane and getting in trouble with her parents were insignificant compared to the
terrifying knowledge that she had hidden an actual, real vibrator in her room.
If anyone ever found it, she would then have to run away to Cambodia.
牋牋牋牋牋?I抣l throw it out tomorrow
morning, she thought, lying in bed with the covers up to her nose. She was
so rattled that she hadn抰 yet realized her glasses were still on. Or maybe
I can put it in that space over my closet door where they didn抰 finish the
wallboard. Or I can unzip my mattress and hide it in there. No one will ever
find it, no one. And, thank God, Jane will never tell梚f she knows what抯 good
for her.
牋牋牋牋牋?It was another twenty minutes before
the sleepless Daria realized that, properly muffled with a pillow and blankets,
the vibrator might not make any sound at all.
牋牋牋牋牋?And life, which for Daria usually
sucked, got a whole lot better.
Original:
01/31/04, modified 11/21/04
FINIS