The IUF Tale
Or, Total Disaster in a
Nutshell
?004 The Angst Guy
(theangstguy@yahoo.com)
Daria and associated characters are ?004 MTV
Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me,
whatever) is appreciated. Please write to:
theangstguy@yahoo.com
Synopsis: The author inserts himself and numerous other Daria
fans, particularly members of the notorious IUF, into a lurid Daria fanfic, a
nightmarish tale of cartoon lust and horror. You won抰 understand this unless
you抳e read the IUF spam threads on PPMB. No penguins were harmed in the writing
of this script. I swear.
Author抯
Notes: This story was written because,
at the time, no one else was adding to the IUF spam thread on PPMB, and the
author felt a punishment was called for.
Acknowledgements: Thanks go out to the IUF: Tananda, Scarlett, Mahna
Mahna, Taryn, and Beth Ann, and all their allies, particularly the one with the
Upchuck fetish. Thank you for the inspiration.
*
[Scene: A
dark and stormy night outside the surface entrance to the IUF抯 underground
lair. A figure waits behind a tall rock, near a hidden woodland path. In
moments, another figure approaches along the path.]
FIRST FIGURE: Yo.
SECOND FIGURE: Oh, hey. [short laugh, fake
British accent] I say, is that you, Double-Oh Seven?
FIRST FIGURE (ROGER): [makes a face] Knock it off, Tom.
SECOND FIGURE (TOM SLOANE): [imitates Pierce
Brosnan voice] The name抯 Bond. James Bond.
ROGER: [shakes head] Grow up. You抮e worse than Butthead.
TOM: [false anguish] Hey, that hurt my
feelings.
ROGER: Another joke about
my name, and I抣l summon certain members of the IUF who will hurt a lot more
than your feelings.
TOM: [serious now] All
right. Damn. Touchy fellow, aren抰 ya?
ROGER: So, you want the whole IUF, right?
TOM: [panicked] Hey, they抣l hear you, idiot!
ROGER: No, they won抰. They抮e downstairs
watching a Dariathon on the big-screen plasma TV, eating popcorn. I cooked up
twenty bowls of it and left enough soft drinks to keep them going to the
bathroom for hours.
TOM: Are they watching
the fourth and fifth seasons?
ROGER: Why
would they do that? [beat] Oh, right, because?[points to Tom]
TOM: Well, excuse me for blowing my horn a
little. That was my breakout into big-time TV.
ROGER: You blew a lot more than your horn.
TOM: What? What抯 that supposed to mean?
ROGER: Nothing. Forget it. So, you want the IUF?
TOM: Uh, yeah. All of them. Even Woot and
wotzername, the Upchuck lover from Iowa somewhere.
ROGER: Fine. You got 慹m. They抮e ready for delivery whenever you
want 慹m.
TOM: [beat] What? You抮e joking.
ROGER: If I was joking, I would have said,
What do Canadians call a woman who can carry six beer mugs in either hand?
TOM: Huh? What?
ROGER: Bridget.
TOM: [very
confused] Whaaat?
ROGER: They call
her Bridget. That抯 her name. Bridget.
TOM:
What the hell kind of joke is that?
ROGER: A
Canadian joke. The punch line in a Canadian joke is supposed to be a letdown. I
learned about them in college.
TOM: At least
you didn抰 waste your time there. Look, did you get me to come all the way out
here from Lawndale just to tell me about Canadian jokes, or what?
ROGER: Nah. Just wanted to let you know you
can have the IUF. Did you bring that tractor trailer like I told you to?
TOM: Yeah, it抯 down the road about a
hundred yards. How are you going to get them out?
ROGER: I抣l go back inside in a few minutes and jam the bathroom
door shut, then I抣l knock out the power to the TV. They抣l all run for the
bathroom at the same time, and I抣l tell them there抯 a Port-a-Potty outside
inside a truck, and they抣l all come upstairs and run into the truck. You shut
the tailgate, and presto. They抮e yours.
TOM: [blinks] And you抮e giving them to me for free?
ROGER: Nope.
TOM: [grins] Ah, I figured there was a price. What抯 your price?
ROGER: Linda Griffin.
TOM: [long pause, grins fades] What? The acoustics are bad out
here, and I thought you said you?
ROGER:
Linda Griffin. I want Linda Griffin.
TOM:
[pause] You mean Sandi, right?
ROGER: No,
her mom. Linda.
TOM: Aren抰 you the guy with
the penguin fetish?
ROGER: That抯 what I want them to think.
TOM: [nods] Okay, I can buy that, but why Linda Griffin?
ROGER: [takes a deep breath] Because she抯
hot.
TOM: [backs up a step] Whoa. Okay, I am
officially creeped out now. Aren抰 you supposed to be married or
something?
ROGER: Aren抰 you supposed to be
a cartoon character?
TOM: What does that
have to do with anything?
ROGER: My question
exactly.
TOM: [starts to smile] You know, I
could get to like you.
ROGER: And now
I抦 the one who抯 officially creeped out. Why do you want the IUF,
anyway?
TOM: They抮e going to be my new
sweatshop labor force. I need a lot of 揑 HEART TOM SLOANE?stickers for my
campaign to get into the animated version of 揝ex and the City.?
ROGER: Whatever. Deal?
TOM: Yeah, deal. Sure. So, I抳e got the truck here. What next?
ROGER: Be right back. Go hide in those
bushes there.
TOM: Oh, yeah. Sure.
[Tom runs off to the bushes梐nd a huge SNAP!
echoes through the night. The bushes fall apart to reveal Tom caught inside an
animal cage.]
TOM: Hey!
ROGER:
All right, he抯 yours! Come and get 慹m!
[The entire IUF and all their associates and allies pour out from
the underground lair, cheering.]
MANHA
MANHA: [shouting] He抯 mine! All mine! Mine, I tell you!
BETH ANN: Burn him! But first let me kiss him goodbye! And let me
write a story about it!
SCARLETT: He must
face the Muffin of Inescapable Doom, the Muffinator!
TARYN: Grind his bones to make Kevo抯 bread!
KRISTEN: Upchuck? Upchuck, are you out here, too?
MANY OTHERS: Death to Tom! Death to Tom!
TOM: [shakes bars of cage] @#$@%%^%!!!
HELP!!! DARIA!!! JANE!!! HELP ME!!!
[The IUF
and allies drag the cage into the underground lair as Tom screams.]
TANANDA: [walks up to Roger with a
clipboard] Just sign here.
ROGER: What抯
this? You said you抎 give me Linda Griffin.
TANANDA: Right, right. Sign there. And there. And there. [takes
clipboard] She抯 all yours! [hands Roger a sheet of paper he抯 signed, points to
a tied-up figure under a nearby tree, then goes inside the underground lair and
shuts the steel door and locks it.]
ROGER:
[goes to figure, unties her and takes off the mouth gag] Linda?
SANDI GRIFFIN: [getting up] What in the hell
is going on here?
ROGER: Whaaat? What
the hell is?
SANDI: I said that already!
Who the hell are you? My new dad?
ROGER:
[looks at sheet of paper with his flashlight] Holy @#%$%^%, this is an adoption
paper! Oh, @$$^#%&#%^&%!!!!
SANDI:
[crosses arms, looking mad] Look, if you抮e my new dad, we抮e going to get the
ground rules straight. First, you do whatever I want. Second, there are no other
rules except the first rule. Third, if there is a question about the rules, go
to rule number one.
ROGER: [runs to IUF
underground lair door and beats on it] YOU CHEATED ME! COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW
AND FIX THIS!
SANDI: My first demand, and
don抰 give me any crap about it, is for you to give me all your money and
checkbooks and credit cards. There抯 a big sale on at Cashman抯. You抣l drive me
there, of course, and we抮e going now because the sale ends at midnight. Where抯
your car? It抎 better be a Stingray! I can抰 be seen in public in anything less!
ROGER: [claws at underground door, weeping]
GAAAAH!!!!
Original: 02/24/04, revised 12/24/04
FINIS