One More River to Cross
?004 The Angst Guy (theangstguy@yahoo.com)
Daria and associated characters are ?004 MTV Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: theangstguy@yahoo.com
Synopsis: In helping Sandi Griffin through a difficult situation, Quinn Morgendorffer must make a decision that could determine her own nature, for good or for evil梑ut which choice is the right one? Story rated R for language and content.
Author抯 Notes: The idea for this story had been with me for several years involving entirely different characters, but at some point it came together in this form and I began to write. This story began on PPMB in late September 2004, but was moved to and completed on SFMB in early October. The reader is warned that the issues involved are controversial, and the story is rated R for language and subject matter. As a side note, Chapter 31 of Mark Twain抯 Huckleberry Finn (on which this story is based) has always impressed me, and sometimes I read it without bothering with the rest of the novel.
牋牋牋牋牋?It is assumed here that Daria Morgendorffer graduated high school in the spring of 2001. It is late September 2001 herein, during Quinn Morgendorffer抯 senior year in high school. Swedesville and Alternapalooza appear in the episode 揜oad Worrier?and the MTV 揇aria?book, The Daria Diaries.
Acknowledgements: My thanks go out to Samuel Clemens, wherever he may be.
*
Neither fear nor courage saves us. Unnatural vices
Are fathered by our heroism. Virtues
Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
桾. S. Eliot, 揋erontion?/span>
牋牋牋牋牋?It was seven twenty-nine a.m. by her pink wristwatch: time to go. Twelve hours, give or take, Quinn Morgendorffer thought as she zipped up her jacket, tossed her long orange-red hair, and left her bedroom. Twelve hours and it will all be over. She stopped in the hallway and held her breath, gathering her nerve. Today of all days, she had to be extra strong to do what had to be done. Cementing the alibi came first.
牋牋牋牋牋?揗om??She looked down the empty second-floor hall. 揗om? Muuuh-ooom!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?換uinn, you don抰 have to yell! Your father抯 still asleep! I抦 in my bathroom. I might be a little late coming home tonight from work.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hatever! I抦 leaving! We抣l be back from shopping sometime this evening.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揂re any stores open yet? It抯 kind of early, isn抰 it??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 a big sale day, Mom! Summer closeouts, new fall stuff! First come, first serve! We have to be there when the doors open!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙kay, then. Enjoy your day off from school. Your father抯 walking to work again later. The doctor said it was good for his heart, so . . . oh, is Sandi staying over for the whole weekend??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧es, Mom! We抳e already talked about this, remember??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧es, dear, I remember. I抳e had a lot on my mind from work, that抯 all. Are the other girls coming over, too? I can pick up some fat-free popcorn and diet soda at Food Lord if you棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o, that抯 okay! Don抰 worry about it! Sandi抯 the only one coming over. It抯 just the two of us. We抣l get something to eat when we抮e out.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揇oes her mother know where she抣l be? I don抰 want Linda calling here wondering where Sandi went.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揗om, Sandi cleared it with her mom to stay over, before she left for California. It抯 okay!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揌uh. I hope Linda likes San Francisco. She抯 so lucky. What I wouldn抰 give to be there at the Golden Gate. Maybe we can talk to your father tonight about a family trip there sometime. I don抰 think we抣l get Daria out of college, but the three of us can go. Would you like that??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揊ine, Mom, whatever! I抳e got to run now. Bye!?Quinn抯 footsteps descended the stairs toward the front door.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥ait! Quinn? Is Sandi抯 father at home??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah, he抯 with her little brothers! He knows about Sandi staying here, too! I have to go!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揂ll right. Drive carefully, sweetie! I love you!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揕ove you, too, Mom! Bye!?Downstairs, the front door slammed.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h! Wait! Quinn? I forgot to ask what sale you抮e going to! Are you going to桻uinn? Quinn! Oh, well, she抯 got her cell phone. I抣l call her later. I can抰 believe Linda Griffin gets a whole week in San Francisco at company expense. Marketing conference, my foot. I could use a marketing conference like that. I should have gone into television instead of law. Not that there抯 anything wrong with law, of course. It抯 important, too. Corporate law is . . .?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Helen Morgendorffer put down her comb and hairspray, then stood straight, fists on her hips, and glared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror over the sink. 揝an Francisco,?she grumbled. 揝an Francisco. That witch Linda is so lucky.?Shaking her head, she finished her hair and glumly picked a bit of lint from her magenta power suit. 揥hat I wouldn抰 give to be a teenager again,?she muttered as she headed downstairs to grab a Pop Tart and coffee before leaving for another long day at Vitale, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter. 揂 senior in high school, and not a care in the world except shopping and dating. God, how I envy you, Quinn.?/p>
*
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn drove the borrowed Lexus to Sandi抯 and had just pulled in the driveway when the front door of the Griffin residence opened and Sandi ran out. The door did not close behind her. Sandi held a jacket and an oversized purse that didn抰 quite match her two-piece outfit. The two pieces of the outfit did not match each other, either. She was clearly rattled. Sandi jerked the car door open and threw herself inside, slamming the door and snapping her seat belt shut in seconds. Chilly air swam around them. 揕et抯 go!?she shouted in a rush. 揅hris and Sam are driving me crazy! Little bastards!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?A tired man in a bathrobe holding a newspaper peered at the Lexus from the front door, then shook his head and went back inside, closing the door after. Turning in her seat to see behind her, Quinn backed out of the driveway. 揧our dad抯 off work today??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘ot really. He抯 telecommuting so he can watch Thing One and Thing Two. I was hoping he抎 take them to a park or something to get them out of my hair. I hate the little jerks!?Sandi blew out her breath, trying to relax in the passenger seat. 揋od, I will be so glad when this day is over.?br> 牋牋牋牋牋?Me, too, Quinn thought. Twelve hours to go, at most. I can do it. 揇o you have everything??she asked, putting the car in gear and heading out of the subdivision.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙f course I have everything!?Sandi snapped, picking her purse up from the floor of the car where she抎 dropped it and her jacket when getting in. 揑抳e been packed since Wednesday!?She began fumbling through the purse in near panic, her voice rising. 揑抦 sure I have everything! I must have checked it a million billion times, okay??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Without a word, Quinn reached over and put her hand on Sandi抯 arm. Sandi flinched but did not pull away. 揑抦 okay, all right??she yelled. 揑抦 just a little nervous, all right? Do you mind??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 love you, Sandi,?said Quinn. She kept her hand on Sandi but looked straight ahead into the traffic.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, thanks, like that抯 really going to help me! Like that抯 really棓 Her voice broke. She took a ragged breath and tried to finish. 揟hat抯 just棓
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi shook under Quinn抯 hand as she began to cry. A traffic light ahead turned yellow. Quinn gunned the engine and made it through the intersection before the light turned red. The on-ramp to the Interstate was just ahead.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn kept a box of tissues on the floor of the back seat in case she caught a cold or her lipstick smudged. She pulled out a handful and gave the wad to Sandi, who took it and blew her nose.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑抦 sorry,?whispered Sandi, pulling her wet face out of the wad. 揑抦 so sorry.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The car eased into the long curve of the on-ramp.
牋牋牋牋牋?揇on抰 worry. Everything抯 going to be okay,?said Quinn, but nothing was really okay. Not now. 揑 love you,?she repeated, to say something that was true.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 love you, too,?said Sandi, then she covered her face and wailed.
牋牋牋牋牋?A green road sign went past: 82 miles to Swedesville, just over an hour. Quinn kept a hand on Sandi抯 arm as she steered with her left hand, accelerating. The Swedesville Women抯 Health and Wellness Center was on State Route 513, near what passed for downtown in that small farming burg. Quinn had studied the map on the clinic抯 website and knew exactly how to find it. Sandi抯 appointment was at nine-thirty; she抎 made it a week ago to take advantage of her mother抯 conference in San Francisco, as well as a weekday with no school and a long weekend for recovery. Lawndale High抯 faculty was having an in-service training day on this, the last Friday in September. It was Sandi抯 only chance to go, and by her figuring she was already in week ten. No one usually went to Swedesville except for concerts. No concert was there today, so no one would see the girls around. The clinic抯 workers had a good reputation for their work and their discretion. And Sandi was nineteen and didn抰 need a parent抯 permission for a doctor抯 appointment, though she would not have needed permission for this appointment anyway. All she really lacked in the end was someone to drive her there, then drive her back home.
牋牋牋牋牋?What else are friends for, after all? Quinn heard Sandi blow her nose again and try without success to stop crying. It would be a long drive in an infinitely long day.
牋牋牋牋牋?What else are friends for?
*
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi had told Quinn a week earlier, after using up two pregnancy test kits in a row in a gas station restroom. The news reduced everything else in the world to the trivial. Even then, from the panic on Sandi抯 face and the crack in her voice and the slump in her shoulders and the trembling of her hands, Quinn knew how it would finally work out. It would not be all right. It would not be okay.
牋牋牋牋牋?My mom will kill me, Sandi had whispered. Quinn had nodded once. It was true. Linda Griffin would destroy Sandi in any way she could, then throw her daughter into the street with curses ringing in her ears. And that would be only the start.
牋牋牋牋牋?In the passenger seat, Sandi wiped her eyes a final time and dropped the wad of tissues on the floor between her white upscale sneakers.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑抣l be with you, whatever happens,?Quinn said.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi nodded, lethargic. She sniffed again. 揝tacy called right before you got here,?she said, her voice almost inaudible. 揝he wanted to know if we could get Tiffany and come over to her place for the weekend, watch movies and talk and do stuff.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn managed a sidelong glance. 揥hat did you tell her??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi brushed long strands of brown hair from her face. 揑 told her I had to go to the library and look up something for O扤eill抯 class for that book report we have to write for next Friday, about that Huckleberry book. And she said, no, really, what are you doing this weekend? I said I just wanted some time to myself, I was sick of school and kind of out of it.?She sniffed again. The ghost of a smile wreathed her lips. 揝o then she said, is he cute? And I said, is who cute? And she said, just exactly like she抎 discovered the atom or something, she said棓 Her fragile smile broadened 摋the guy you抮e going to see tonight at the library. Is he cute??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, God,?said Quinn. She was unsure if she should smile or look disgusted. She elected to smile a little and shake her head.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi sighed, her smile fading. 揝he is so sweet, but she so needs to get a clue.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?No, she doesn抰, Quinn thought. Not about this, she doesn抰.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝he said she抎 called you before me,?Sandi went on, 揳nd you said you might have to help your mom tonight with something.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn rolled her eyes, feeling a pang of guilt. 揑 couldn抰 think of anything else to say. It was enough coming up with something to keep Mom off my back.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi shrugged and licked her lips. 揚eople will find out anyway. I bet everyone finds out before long.?Her voice trailed away at the end. 揈veryone will know.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘ot if I can help it,?said Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi shook her head again. She rubbed her face and lay back in her seat, looking exhausted. 揌ow far are we??she asked.
牋牋牋牋牋?揗aybe an hour now. I抦 pushing it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟he clinic won抰 open until nine. Don抰 get us arrested, okay? That would be really great.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t won抰 happen.?Cops rarely patrolled the Interstate between Lawndale and Swedesville unless a rock concert was going on at the Swedesville Amphitheatre, like the Alternapalooza festival every August.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi shifted in her seat. She reached up under her blouse to adjust her bra and tried to get settled again. Quinn knew Sandi抯 breasts were aching. Her clothes were too tight to be comfortable, she had to pee every hour on the hour, she had long stabbing headaches, and she had no energy for anything. And there was the morning nausea and crying, too. She had all the symptoms. A textbook case.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝am and Chris were being their usual selves??Quinn asked, unable to think of a better topic.
牋牋牋牋牋?揓esus, yes.?Sandi tugged on her jeans, pulling them down. She stuck a hand under her waistband and moved it round. 揋od, look at me. My stomach. I look like I抳e been pigging out for a month.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o one can tell,?said Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 can tell,?said Sandi. 揑 feel so damn bloated. God, this sucks.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Should have kept your legs together, Quinn thought, and was instantly ashamed of herself. She hadn抰 kept her legs together, either, that summer past. She抎 just been more careful. Or, she feared, only luckier. 揥ant to listen to radio? CDs??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘ot really, thanks.?Sandi appeared anxious. 揑s there a rest area ahead? I have to pee. I just went before I left, and now I have to go again, damn it. Nerves.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟here抯 one about ten minutes ahead.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 hope I can wait that long. That would be great, having to pull over and squat somewhere like a dog.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揓ust think about freezing your butt off, and you抣l make it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi gave a dry laugh. 揑抎 probably get bitten right on my ass by a snake. That would be my luck.?She stretched out in her seat, legs straight out like ramrods and heels together. 揃oy, do I have to go. I hate this.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?They made it to the rest area in time. Sandi was out of the car and running stiff-legged for the rest-area building, without her jacket, before Quinn turned the engine off. While Sandi was in the restroom, Quinn wandered the lobby with her friend抯 jacket in her arms, looking at tourist pamphlets and studying the road maps pinned to the bulletin boards. Swedesville looked too far away to be worth the drive. Except, of course, that there was no other choice.
牋牋牋牋牋?Or was there?
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn shook off the question and looked around for Sandi, then wandered into the women抯 restroom. 揧ou okay??she called, her voice echoing.
牋牋牋牋牋?Someone blew her nose in a stall. Quinn leaned over and spotted a pair of white sneaker toes poking from beneath crumpled high-fashion blue jeans, in the handicap stall on the far end. 揊ine,?said Sandi in a weak voice. 揑抦 a little sick. I抣l be out in a couple of minutes.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn went back into the lobby and wandered until she found herself by the pay phones. Who would I call, if I could call anyone right now? she wondered. I can抰 call Sandi抯 folks. That would be the end of her. Mom? She抯 usually good with things like this, but lately she抯 all wrapped up in work, and she might call Sandi抯 mom. She might not, true, but she wouldn抰 just stop with advice, and I can抰 risk it. Daria? Call her at college in Boston? That抯 what big sisters are for, I guess, giving wisdom. No, I couldn抰 call her. She wouldn抰 care if I got her out of class, but she wouldn抰 understand what抯 happening. She hates Sandi, too. And I promised Sandi I wouldn抰 tell anyone, anyway. But . . . who could I call?
牋牋牋牋牋?On the wall by the pay phones, someone had used a black dye marker to draw a cross using the words, 揓esus Saves.?Call a church? A minister or priest or someone, maybe a counselor? What could they possibly do to fix things? What could they say that would make any difference?
牋牋牋牋牋?Should I say a prayer? Call my guardian angel?
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn stared at a wall phone without seeing it. She had not thought about her guardian angel in a long while. It had been so important to her once, believing that Someone Up There watched over her and protected her from harm. But what proof was there that angels really did that? Just over two weeks earlier, suicidal terrorists had flown two jetliners filled with men, women, and children into the World Trade Center in New York and laid waste to downtown Manhattan, driven another jet into the Pentagon, and still another into a field in Pennsylvania. Now there was anthrax in the mail and rumors of cropdusters spreading poisons and fears of dirty nuclear bombs hidden in car trunks. Why weren抰 the angels looking out for those people who died that awful day? Thousands had suffered in agony and terror before they perished, and not one angel had shown up to stop it and save a single soul. Did the angels oversleep? Were they on strike or away on vacation? Whatever the reason, it was too late to fix things now, even for God. Now there would be a war, a big war, and more terrorists might strike at any second, and the twenty-first century had passed completely into Hell.
牋牋牋牋牋?Why in the world did I imagine that I was so important in the order of things as to deserve my own special angel? Why would a single angel bother saving me, of all people, if it could not be bothered to save one innocent person on 9/11? What angel would ever give a damn about me or Sandi? How could I have been so stupid?
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 was stupid,?she whispered aloud. Her voice startled her, and she looked around in embarrassment to make sure no one had overheard. The waiting area was deserted except for her. She had been stupid. No angel had saved anyone on 9/11, and none would come to save her or Sandi.
牋牋牋牋牋?Or Sandi抯 unborn baby.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn raised a hand and felt the black handset of a pay phone with her fingers, traced the cool metal cord down. Can these things reach Heaven? What number would I dial to reach God? She let her hand fall. Her eyes closed as she slumped against the wall. What am I doing here, God? What am I doing here? Am I really going to help her do this? What am I doing? What am I doing, damn it? What?
牋牋牋牋牋?A toilet flushed in the background. After a sink ran and a paper towel was torn off. Someone shuffled over a tile floor in sneakers and opened the women抯 room door.
牋牋牋牋牋?揜eady??asked Sandi. Her face was as white as a freshly laundered sheet.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn opened her eyes and nodded. They left for the car together. Quinn glanced in the rear-view mirror on her way out, but no angel watched them go or waved goodbye.
*
牋牋牋牋牋?They drove for a few minutes in silence. Along the Interstate, as far as the eye could see, were dead leaves, brown grass, and bare trees. Quinn shivered. The day was getting colder, she could tell. A change in the weather.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 never told him,?Sandi said. She turned her head to Quinn. 揑 don抰 ever want to tell him. He told me he didn抰 want to see me anymore and he didn抰 care what I did, so I guess that makes it easy, doesn抰 it??She looked away. 揂sshole. He got what he wanted, I guess.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn pressed her lips together and kept her eyes on the road.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi settled back after adjusting her bra again. 揑 don抰 know what he抎 do if he knew. Give himself a medal, probably. He抯 such an asshole. I can抰 believe I ever liked him. I can抰 believe I thought he was a nice guy. If he knew, he抎 probably call Ms. Li and she抎 make an announcement and tell everyone in the school. He抎 take an ad out in the paper, too, just to rub it in. Call my mom and put it on TV. He抯 such a jerk.?She took a deep breath, then exhaled through her nose, looking out the side window away from Quinn. 揑 can抰 believe I did this,?she said in a low voice. 揑 cannot believe for one damn second that I got myself into such a mess with a creep like him. I cannot believe it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn took her right hand from the steering wheel and reached over. After a moment, Sandi took her hand and squeezed once, then relaxed and let their hands sit on the armrest between them.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 bet you抎 never thought you抎 see me like this,?Sandi said, her voice low. 揑 bet you never thought this would happen to me, of all people. I sure didn抰. If anyone at school ever found out, they抎 have棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hey won抰,?interrupted Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?A pause. 揟hey might.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?They won抰, Quinn almost repeated, but she didn抰. They might. 揑抣l stay with you,?Quinn said instead.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi抯 brown eyes looked through the windshield at something that no one else could see but her. 揟hank you,?she said in a hollow voice. They held hands a moment longer, then pulled back into their own worlds.
牋牋牋牋牋?The countryside became rolling, though still brown and barren. They passed a horse farm with a white wooden fence.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 wish we lived in Canada or something,?Sandi said.
牋牋牋牋牋?揅anada? Why??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?搼Cause, they have that pill, the morning-after pill. R-U-something, some number. That would have helped a lot if I抎 had that.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi had told Quinn that she抎 been using a diaphragm and spermicidal jelly. The Pill made her nauseated and bloated. Never did that to me, Quinn thought. Diaphragms were usually pretty good, too. Not enough jelly, perhaps. Who knows? 揇on抰 they have some kind of pill like that in America? Something you take when棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o, that抯 not it. It抯 not the same. The clinic said they could give me a kind of medicine that would . . . it would get rid of everything all at once, in a day or so, but it might come out at home or at school, and that was just梩hat wouldn抰 work at all.?She shuddered. 揂nd I抎 still have to go in for checkups. This was better. Relatively speaking, you underst棓
牋牋牋牋牋?A muffled electronic version of Beethoven抯 揙de to Joy?filled the car. 揇amn it,?breathed Quinn. 揃et it抯 my mom.?She started to reach behind Sandi抯 seat for her purse to retrieve her cell phone梑ut then she pulled her hand back. 揑抣l get the message later,?she said, settling back and focusing on the road again. 揑抎 rather not talk to her or anyone else but you right now.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi nodded. They waited until the phone stopped ringing. With a weary look, Sandi reached down and retrieved her oversized purse from the floor. 揑 went out last weekend and bought a box of sanitary napkins,?she said, looking in the purse. 揟hey said I抎 need them for a few days, for bleeding. I can抰 use tampons for a while. I bought a hot-water bottle, too, just in case. And that stupid Mark Twain book. I should have just bought the Cliff抯 Notes and read that. O扤eill would never know the difference.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou can borrow my Cliff抯 Notes when we get back tonight. Daria left it behind when she went to Boston.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?That made Sandi grin for a moment. 揝o, brainy sisters have a use after all??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn gave a flicker of a smile. 揇id you bring Tylenol or something? For later??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h. No, they抮e going to give me some kind of like super-pain pills, something they抳e got, and some antibi梪m, antibi-o-tics, whatever. I can抰 use aspirin or anything 慶ause it might make me bleed more. It抯 not like a surgery, they said, but when they use the little vacuum thing, it might . . . it抯 not supposed to hurt that much, I think, but they said I抣l probably get cramps afterward for a while.?She swallowed. 揝houldn抰 be too bad. Can抰 be any worse than my periods.?Her voice faded. 揑 hope.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn抯 stomach growled. She hoped Sandi didn抰 hear it. 揇id you want to get something to eat before we get there, or can you eat at all today??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 can抰 right now. They told me not to. I haven抰 even had breakfast. All I抳e had is like water since I got up. I don抰 think I could eat if I tried.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揅an you eat afterward, on the way home??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hey said I could, but I have to like take it easy. My appetite抯 been off lately anyway. The smell of some things gets to me, like . . . excuse me, like bacon, or棓 She grimaced and waved a hand in front of her face. 揇on抰 want to talk about it. Makes me a little . . . ugh.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝ure.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 can抰 take a bath for a while, either, or drink anything with alcohol. Too bad about that, I guess. I was sort of hoping to indulge and kill a few brain cells when I got home. Maybe a little wouldn抰 hurt, though.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揗aybe we shouldn抰. I don抰 want it to hurt you. Plus, my mom might find out.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揂nd she抎 tell my mom. That would be great. I抣l probably crash or something, then. I don抰 have any energy. I don抰 know. Don抰 feel like going out. We抣l see.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hatever you want to do, we抣l do it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙kay.?Sandi exhaled, slumped in her seat. 揑 don抰 know what I抎 do without you, Quinn.?There was a pause before she added, 揧ou抮e the only friend I抳e got.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hat抯 not true,?said Quinn, though she knew it was true.
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o. It抯 true. No one else likes me. I don抰 know why you抳e put up with me so long. I抦 not very easy to get along with. I want my own way so much.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?No response came to mind, so Quinn said nothing.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hen I found out about this, I thought about getting a cab and going to Swedesville by myself, but that would have cost a ton. And I wouldn抰 have anyone to talk to on the way. They said I shouldn抰 drive by myself, going home.?She looked out at the road ahead. 揑 wanted to go with someone I trusted.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Her head rolled to the left. Quinn felt Sandi抯 gaze upon her. 揧ou抮e the only person in the world I trust, Quinn. Remember when you helped me get back in shape when I broke my leg and got overweight? You stuck with me when I lost my voice, and you weren抰 mean to me all those times I was being . . . just being myself, when I would have deserved having people be mean to me.?She made an odd noise. 揑 used to be so jealous of you, did you know that??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The conversation was getting uncomfortable as well as weird. Sandi had never said anything like this before. And there was more to the broken-leg story than Sandi knew, namely that Quinn had been guilt-tripped by Daria and her friend Jane into helping Sandi recover from her injuries. Quinn would not have done it on her own. That part could never be revealed. Never. 揘o,?said Quinn, amazed that she would dare tell such a lie. 揑 never knew you were jealous or anything. You抮e kidding me.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o, really. I was so freaking jealous of you. I worked so hard to be popular and stay on top of things, like I was the executive director of all things fashion, with my own little fashionable entourage, and then you came along and just like that, you had everyone following you around instead of me, like it was nothing, like it was . . . there抯 a better word, but I can抰 think of it. Natural, I guess. It was natural for you to be cute and popular, everything I抎 always had to . . . had to fight for. I worked so hard to look good and dress right and talk to people and stay on top, and you . . . you used to drive me so crazy.?Sandi gazed at Quinn. 揑 was afraid of you.?She closed her eyes and rolled her head away. She was silent for a long time.
牋牋牋牋牋?Forty-eight miles to Swedesville, said a passing sign. A hawk hovered in the sky over the highway. Leaves blew across the fields.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 love you,?said Sandi. 揑 realized this morning, when I was getting ready, that you were the only friend I抳e ever had, my only real and true friend, and I loved you. I would be so lost without棓
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi stopped abruptly. Quinn glanced over. Tears ran in broad streams down Sandi抯 cheeks. Her eyes were squeezed shut, her fists clenched at her sides.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn braked and pulled onto the shoulder of the road, well away from traffic. She snapped off the engine and turned, putting her arms around Sandi. Sandi leaned into her and sobbed.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 okay,?Quinn said. 揑t抯 okay.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑抦 so scared,?Sandi whispered. A truck roared past. 揚lease don抰 leave me. I抦 so scared.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 won抰 leave you, I swear.?Help me, God. Help me think of something to get us out of this mess.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi wept. She felt strangely small in Quinn抯 arms.
牋牋牋牋牋?God, help us, please. Help me think of something to save us, to save her. Help us, God, I抣l do anything, anything You ask of me, just save us. Get us out of this. Make it better.
牋牋牋牋牋?Ten minutes passed. No angels came. They got on the road again, stopped once more for a long bathroom break, and got to the Swedesville exit at nine seventeen a.m.
*
牋牋牋牋牋?State Route 513 was a two-lane with narrow shoulders that wound through low hills past fields of corn stubble. Swedesville was only a couple miles from the Interstate.
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hey said I might be here a while,?said Sandi in a dull voice. 揑 hope you brought a book, too.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?I knew I forgot something, Quinn thought, then shrugged. Out-of-date magazines in the waiting room, then. I抣l live.
牋牋牋牋牋?揌aving the procedure done will take like only a few minutes, I think, but they said I had to like fill out a lot of paperwork first and maybe pay for it, but I brought enough. It抯 all in cash, of course. Then I have to get my blood drawn, and they have to do some tests and do that, uh, ultra-sonic棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揢ltrasound.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧es, ultrasound, and then I have to like talk with a nurse or something about what they抮e going to do. I don抰 think they抮e supposed to try to talk me out of it, but they said they have to talk to everyone who wants this, to make sure it抯 what they want, you know.?She nodded. 揑t抯 what I want. It抯 what I really want. I can抰 do anything else. It would be the end of . . . the end of everything.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?A potential problem appeared in Quinn抯 mind. 揝andi??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hen you called the clinic . . . did you call from your room? Long distance??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h. Yes, I did, but don抰 worry. It won抰 show up on the phone bill.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揌ow??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 bought a phone card. You know, one of those plastic cards with a code number on it, and you punch in the code and get like an hour or whatever of calling time? The number you dial at first is an eight-hundred number, one of those free ones, and those never show up on the phone bill 慶ause you抮e not being charged for it. I can call anywhere and my mom will never know.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h. Okay.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah.?Sandi sighed heavily. 揗y dad pays the bills, anyway. He抯 a CPA. Mom never looks at them.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Swedesville came into view when they crested a hill and started down the other side. Nestled in a shallow river valley, the community didn抰 look as though it had more than a few thousand people. Road signs welcomed visitors and announced the presence of assorted restaurants, churches, businesses, and civic organizations.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat抯 that school bus doing there??said Sandi, peering ahead. 揟here抯 two of them. Three. I thought county schools were out today.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn took her foot off the gas and tapped the brake. Red lights flashing, three school buses were pulling up to the side of the street only a quarter mile ahead, beside a row of business buildings. One had opened its doors and was already discharging its passengers. The people getting off the bus were grown-ups.
牋牋牋牋牋?One of the grown-ups had a sign. STOP ABORTION NOW, it read in large red letters that Quinn could see with no trouble at all.
牋牋牋牋牋?She instantly looked at the building next to which the buses sat. She recognized it at once from its color picture on the website. It was the Swedesville Women抯 Health and Wellness Center.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h,?she gasped. 揙h, shit!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揔uh-winn!?Sandi looked from Quinn to the growing crowd ahead. 揥hat棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揋et down!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揋et the hell down! Put your head down now! Don抰 let them see you!?Quinn slowed, looked for a side street, and took the first one she saw. She drove down a tree-lined residential street that could have come out of a picture book about the Good Old Days, white-painted houses with front porches and all.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat抯 wrong??Sandi had ducked her head without arguing梡erhaps the first time that she抎 ever obeyed a direct order from anyone other than her mother. Her voice rose with panic. 揥hat抯 the matter??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝hhh!?Quinn had no idea where to go. She decided to turn around and go back to the intersection with the main road, then scope out what was happening downhill.
牋牋牋牋牋?揅an I get up now??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn pulled into a driveway, then backed out with the car facing the way it had come. 揘o! There抯 a protest at the clinic. I think those are church buses. Don抰 get up!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揂 protest? There抯 a protest? What are they棓 Sandi must have answered her own question, because she next said, 揥hy are they protesting today? Why now??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 don抰 know! Wait a minute!?Quinn pulled up to the intersection and peered down the road toward town, over Sandi抯 hunched form. Many dozens of people now lined the sidewalk outside the clinic, all carrying anti-abortion signs and well dressed for the cool weather. Only thirty feet of parking lot separated them from the clinic doors. Quinn squinted. She thought she could see a security guard at the front door of the clinic, talking into a walkie-talkie or cell phone. The first bus pulled away, empty of passengers. The other buses were still letting people off. Quinn guessed that there could easily be over a hundred people present, even close to two hundred. And more might be coming.
牋牋牋牋牋?揇amn it to hell!?she whispered. She spotted a department store across the street. SUMMER CLOSEOUT SALE! read the sign on the door. MAKE WAY FOR THE FALL! When no cars were coming, Quinn gunned the engine and shot the car across the road and into the store抯 parking lot. She was careful to park on the side facing away from the clinic, so no one would see them. When she snapped off the ignition, she found her hands were trembling like leaves.
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou can get up now,?she said. 揥e抮e behind a store. We have to talk.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat抯 going on??Sandi cried, rising. 揟hey told me on the phone that there weren抰 any protestors there! They said almost no one came by there, ever! This was supposed to be safe! And I have to go in there in five minutes!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揅alm down! We抣l棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 can抰 miss my appointment! Why are they doing this to me??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Something snapped. Quinn reached out and seized Sandi by the arms. 揝top it!?she shouted, shaking her friend once. 揝top it now! Listen to me! We抮e going to think this out and we抮e going to get it worked out, okay? Get hold of yourself!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi nodded, fighting back tears. 揙kay,?she said in a broken voice.
牋牋牋牋牋?揇o you have the clinic抯 phone number??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?When Sandi nodded again, Quinn said, 揇o you still have that phone card you were using??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Another nod.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙kay. We抮e going into the department store and we抣l call the clinic. Maybe they can think of something, okay??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Another nod.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn peered into her best friend抯 eyes. 揧ou still want to do this??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi nodded hard and without hesitation.
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou absolutely want to do this??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Many more nods.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn took a slow breath. 揙kay, then,?she said, releasing her friend. 揕et抯 go inside. Put on your jacket first, it抯 cold. Do you have a hat? Handkerchief? I抳e got one in the glove compartment. Put that on over your hair. I抳e got one for mine. We抣l go in that side entrance, not the front one.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙kay.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?When they were ready, they got their purses and got out into the chilling wind outside. After locking the car doors, Quinn started around to Sandi. What next? she wondered. What am I going to do now? She had no answers, so she put her arm around her friend and guided her along.
牋牋牋牋牋?And, for the first time ever, Quinn Morgendorffer and Sandi Griffin walked into a department store and neither of them thought for a moment about buying clothes.
*
牋牋牋牋牋?Once inside the two-story store, Quinn and Sandi walked deep into the women抯 coats section to a spot behind a wide pillar. Soft country music played from hidden speakers. 揝tay here,?Quinn whispered. 揑抣l be right back. I抦 going to check around.?Sandi nodded and leaned against the pillar, depressed and lost in her thoughts.
牋牋牋牋牋?Trying to look nonchalant, Quinn took a short tour of the store抯 first floor and spotted a pay phone near the pillar where she抎 left Sandi. An elderly saleslady smiled at Quinn, who smiled back and waved but kept walking. She went back to Sandi moments later, telling her of the phone. 揕et抯 call the clinic and see what抯 going on,?said Quinn. 揟hey might know what to do. Maybe they have a safe way in.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hat would be helpful,?said Sandi, more in control of herself. 揗aybe they can call the police and make everyone go away so we can get in. The nerve of some people.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?They made their way to the phone, where Sandi produced her phone card and a slip of paper. After punching in many numbers, she put away the card and paper and held the handset to her ear, looking around to make sure she was not overheard.
牋牋牋牋牋?揌ello??Sandi said, almost whispering. She raised her voice slightly. 揌ello? This is棓 A glance around 摋Sandi Griffin. I have a nine-thirty appointment. . . . Um, okay, but I can抰 speak loudly where I am. My name is Sandi Griffin桽-A-N-D-I . . . that抯 me. Yes, nine thirty. I抦 here in Swedesville, just a few blocks up the road from you, but . . . no, we抮e in a store, uh桰 don抰 know the name. Clothing store, looks like it抯 for older people or something. That might be it, I don抰 know. . . . Right, exactly. We saw them when we were coming in. . . . Yes, a friend drove me here. She抯 with me. I was saying, we saw their buses when we came in and . . . okay, well, can抰 you call the police or something? They don抰 have the right to do this, do they? . . . But I have an appointment there! How am I going to get in??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝hhh,?hissed Quinn. The old woman across the store was looking with concern in their direction.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 won抰 miss my appointment with you, will I??Sandi grew more agitated. 揧ou won抰 cancel it, will you? Okay, because we drove all the way out here from Lawndale, and I have to be there, you understand? . . . I am being calm!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝andi!?Quinn reached over at once and forced the phone out of Sandi抯 hand. 揕et me!?she said, then raised the phone to her lips. 揌ello? I抦 Sandi抯 friend. We抮e in Olson抯 Country-Folks Clothiers. Listen, do you have a back entrance, like for deliveries? Maybe we could get in through there. Sure, I抣l wait.?Quinn looked up from the phone. 揟hey抮e checking it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揇id they call the police yet??Sandi asked, her voice too high.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥ait.?Quinn raised the handset again. 揑抦 still here, yes. . . . They抮e around back, too? Will they let us through??She listened for a moment. 揙kay, wait, let me go look. I think I can see what抯 going on from outside.?She handed the phone to Sandi. 揥ait right here. I have to go check on something.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥here are you going??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙utside for a moment. Don抰 worry.?Quinn left the store at a quick pace, exiting to the side parking lot where the Lexus waited. She walked along the side of the store until she reached the corner at the main road, then peeked around the side and looked toward town.
牋牋牋牋牋?The protestors outside the clinic had formed a long double line of marchers. They were walking a circuit around the entire clinic, two by two and close together, with their signs raised. ABORTION IS MURDER, read one sign. GOD HAVE MERCY ON US and ABORTION STOPS A HEART read others. Someone was starting to sing something that sounded like a hymn. Quinn noted that a few people had gathered outside other stores and offices in the neighborhood to watch in silence. To her surprise, several people walked over and joined the protestors, who quickly accepted them into their ranks.
牋牋牋牋牋?The approaching roar of a large engine caused her to turn and look back up the road. Another school bus was coming. Quinn swore and strode back into the department store. She was running out of ideas for how to deal with this.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi was listening intently to someone on the phone when Quinn returned. She looked up as Quinn approached and cupped a hand over the transmitter. 揟hey said they could hold my appointment until two o抍lock, but after that I have to come back on another day because there抯 so much to do!?she said in a loud whisper. 揟his isn抰 fair!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn held out her hand, and Sandi reluctantly gave up the phone. 揑t抯 Sandi抯 friend again,?Quinn said. 揟hey抮e walking all around your building in pairs, in a big circle. I think another busload of them is coming. I don抰 know if they抎 let us through. Have they done anything like that before? Stop people from going in, I mean??Long pause. Quinn glanced at Sandi, then looked away. 揙h, but they really can抰 do that, can they? Isn抰 that like illegal? My mom抯 a lawyer, and she said . . . oh.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi turned around with her arms wrapped around herself, too upset to speak.
牋牋牋牋牋?揕isten,?said Quinn. 揅an we just drive up to the doors so I can let my friend out? I抦 afraid of what they might do if they knew we were going in there. . . . oh. But they抎 have to move for a car, wouldn抰 they? Well, can抰 you tell the guard to make them move because we抮e there for an appointment? Won抰 the police . . . I don抰 get it. If it抯 illegal, why won抰 the police . . . oh. Oh, well, that抯 . . . I see.?A long pause. 揥ell, can抰 you call in police from another city or something? What kind of town has only two police officers who won抰 do anything about stuff like this? Can抰 you call the county? The state??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揗ay I help you, young lady??asked a voice at Quinn抯 side, making her jump. The elderly saleslady had walked up beside her.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h!?said Quinn before Sandi could snap off a retort. 揙h, no, we had梬e almost had a car wreck, and the police aren抰 helping us!?She pressed the phone to her chest. 揥e were driving in to do some shopping,?you know, and we had a haircut appointments, and then this truck almost ran us off the road! We were almost killed! Can you believe it? And the police said they can抰 help us if we didn抰 see the license plate! I mean, what kind of place is this, only two policemen around and crazy people in pickup trucks??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, mercy!?said the old women, genuinely shocked. 揂re you girls all right??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah, we抮e fine, just shaken up a little.?Quinn quickly raised the phone to her ear. 揑抣l call you back in a bit, okay??she told the clinic receptionist. 揑 have to go. Bye.?She hung up and gave the old woman her best smile. 揂nyway, our haircuts aren抰 for an hour. May as well look at some winter coats while we抮e here, right??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揅ertainly! Can I show you girls anything in particular??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揢h, no, we抣l just look around on our own. Do you have leather coats??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥e surely do! They抮e over that way, behind the shoes. Let me know if I can help, all right??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hanks!?Quinn grabbed Sandi抯 hand and pulled her along through the store, keeping a smile fixed on her face until they were deep in the new department.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 have to go to the bathroom again,?whispered Sandi.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h. Uh, just ask, uh, whatzername, that lady. She抯 over there, I think. Are you going to be a while??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 don抰 know. I don抰 think so.?She let our her breath. 揟his isn抰 going to work. I know it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝hhh. Don抰 say that. Go on to the bathroom. Let me think.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi looked at the floor. Her shoulders slumped. 揟his isn抰 going to work. What am I going to do??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揋o to the bathroom. Take your time. I抣l be here when you come out. Give me time to think about this, okay? Just give me a little time, that抯 all I want, okay??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Swallowing, Sandi nodded, then walked away toward the saleslady. Quinn followed her progress until she saw Sandi leave the saleslady and head around a tall rack of pants. Moments later she heard a door squeak as it opened, then thump shut.
牋牋牋牋牋?Feeling a need to spy out the situation at the clinic again, and having nothing else she could think of to do, Quinn walked out the side door and down the sidewalk to the street, then looked downhill. The wind had gotten much colder since morning, but the adult crowd around the clinic was visibly larger and apparently settling in for the long haul. Almost everyone was singing, from teenagers to white-haired people. It was difficult to make out the words at this distance, and some people were off-key, but the refrain was clear:
One more river, and that抯 the
river of Jordan,
One more river, there抯 one more river to cross.
牋牋牋牋牋?River of Jordan? There wasn抰 a Jordan River around this county. It sounded Biblical. She thought she抎 heard the phrase before somewhere, maybe something her sister Daria once said. What was it?
牋牋牋牋牋?As she watched, Quinn saw a lone woman walk across the street toward the protestors. The woman had a professional look, perhaps a doctor or nurse at the clinic. The marchers nearest her saw her and slowed. The woman stopped short and said something to the marchers. One of the marchers shouted back in a shrill voice: Murderer! Angered, the woman started forward and tried to get through the line. The nearest marchers immediately blocked her way, arms extended; the moving line came to a stop. The woman retreated. As she stomped away, she pulled out a cell phone and made a call. One marcher shouted after her: Baby killer! You抣l burn in Hell!
牋牋牋牋牋?The protestors really would keep people out, then. What they were doing had to be illegal, but Quinn knew they could care less about that now, especially if the police here were reluctant to get involved with the protestors, as the receptionist at the clinic said. Getting through the line of marchers would be difficult, if not impossible梐nd Sandi was in no condition to get into a wrestling match with several adults at once. She could be badly injured, and Quinn wasn抰 sure the protestors would care.
牋牋牋牋牋?The conclusion was inescapable. Sandi and Quinn would have to go home.
牋牋牋牋牋?A sudden sense of relief flooded through Quinn. The problem was solved by default. Sandi抯 unborn baby would live. They would go home, Sandi might eventually see reason and decide to keep the baby, and this awful day would be put behind them. Maybe Sandi would even see the light on the way home. She liked babies, loved how cute and cuddly they were. Perhaps the problem of the unwanted pregnancy was turning out to be no problem at all.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn leaned against the outside wall of the store and almost smiled. The horror was over. Thank you, God, she thought. Thank you so much.
牋牋牋牋牋?After a moment抯 rest, she pushed away from the wall, feeling light on her feet. All that remained was to get Sandi out of the bathroom and into the car, then head back to Lawndale. Maybe they would do a little clothes shopping for real on the way back, and have lunch somewhere now that Sandi would not be getting the abortion.
牋牋牋牋牋?Abortion. Quinn blinked. She had avoided thinking of the word ever since Sandi told her she did not want to have the baby. Well, that wasn抰 an issue any longer.
牋牋牋牋牋?揘ot any more,?Quinn said to herself in a whisper. Thank God.
牋牋牋牋牋?She walked toward the store抯 side entrance, one hand out to push open the door. It was over.
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi likes only other people抯 babies. The thought flashed through Quinn抯 head.?She slowed and stopped just short of the door. Sandi likes babies only when she does not have to care for them or clean up after them. Sandi is revolted by baby poop and vomit and drool and changing diapers. She gags and flees from any room in which a baby is being changed. She is a terrible babysitter.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn stood frozen outside the store. Sandi did not have any mothering instinct, at least not one that Quinn knew of. Sandi could be lively and fun and even witty at times, and she was a fair leader and competent manager, but she did not like little kids and could not stand crying babies. How many times in the mall had Sandi snapped, Can抰 someone shut that little brat up? Isn抰 there somewhere they can take that little monster, like outside?
牋牋牋牋牋?Perhaps that would change when Sandi had her own baby. Quinn nodded to herself. All women changed. Give them a baby of their own, and . . .
牋牋牋牋牋?And now Quinn remembered the Great Baby Experiment. It was in a social studies class in their sophomore year at Lawndale High. The teacher had given every student an egg on Monday and said, Bring this egg back on Friday. For the rest of this week, this egg is your own child. If your child is unharmed by week抯 end, you pass. You will have demonstrated good parenting instincts. If your egg is broken by accident, you will have to do the experiment over again. Anyone who is reported to have harmed someone else抯 egg will fail, and anyone who harms their own egg on purpose also fails.
牋牋牋牋牋?That Friday, Sandi抯 egg came back undamaged. Most of the eggs were unharmed, and some students had even decorated them with faces or made paper clothes for them. Quinn had made pink clothing for hers from felt scraps and yarn, then glued a rattle to one side. It won the award for cutest egg. Sandi抯 egg, however, was still a plain old egg.
牋牋牋牋牋?How did you keep your egg from breaking? Quinn asked her after class, when the teacher collected the eggs and handed out grades.
牋牋牋牋牋?Duh, said Sandi. I stuck it in my locker and forgot about it.
牋牋牋牋牋?Didn抰 you do anything to care for it? asked Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?The raised eyebrow Sandi gave her in return was purest contempt. Grow up, she had said, and that was the end of the subject.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn came to in the cold wind by the doorway. She was starting to sweat.
牋牋牋牋牋?Maybe Sandi would be a better mother someday, but she didn抰 have it in her now. And once the pregnancy was discovered, Linda Griffin really would turn Sandi抯 life into a living nightmare. She really would throw out her only daughter, cut her off with no support, just like that. Quinn knew Linda, who had a cold streak that frightened her. Sandi would never get out of the pit her mother would put her in.
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o,?Quinn whispered, 搕his isn抰 how it will turn out if people will just be reasonable. I can抰 let her do this. Coming here was a big mistake. I don抰 care what I promised her before, I just can抰棓
牋牋牋牋牋?You抮e the only person in the world I trust, Quinn, Sandi had said in the car on the way over. I love you.
牋牋牋牋牋?揃ut helping you when you broke your leg, that wasn抰 my idea. I抦 a terrible friend to you. I抦 not who you think I am, not at all. We have to棓
牋牋牋牋牋?I love you. I realized this morning, when I was getting ready, that you were the only friend I抳e ever had, my only real and true friend, and I loved you. I would be so lost without?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o! We can抰 do this. We have to get out of here. Things will work out if you just try, I know they will. Maybe my parents could梬ell, maybe if you got a place in another town, you could棓
牋牋牋牋牋?I抦 so scared. Please don抰 leave me. I抦 so scared.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝andi, I can抰梬ait桰 meant桰 meant that I won抰 . . . I can抰 . . . this is棓
牋牋牋牋牋?Heaven or Hell? Quinn could almost hear her guardian angel whispering inside her head. She was paralyzed with terror. She saw everything around her in vivid relief: the cracked sidewalk under her feet, the uneven asphalt of the parking lot, the dust on the Lexus. Heaven or Hell? It抯 up to you.
牋牋牋牋牋?You抮e the only person in the world I trust, Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?Heaven or Hell? There抯 no third alternative.
牋牋牋牋牋?I love you.
牋牋牋牋牋?It抯 your choice.
牋牋牋牋牋?My only real and true friend.
牋牋牋牋牋?Heaven . . . or . . .
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn shook violently, then gave a guttural cry and ran for the door and threw it wide open so it banged against a shelf and ran deep into the store until she was hidden among racks of shoes and boots for fall and winter fashions, gasping like an asthmatic. For a moment she could not remember where she was. Her limbs shook, and she could barely walk straight. Steadying herself against a shoe rack, she caught her breath, then pushed away and let her feet wander until she was out of the shoe section and heading for a jewelry counter. She stopped there, looking but not thinking. The jewelry was mostly cheap and of mediocre quality. Prominent among the pieces were crosses on chains, gold and silver plating over base metal with colorful paste jewels.
牋牋牋牋牋?She picked up one of the larger and gaudier crosses, held it in her palm, then looked up and saw herself in a mirror on the counter. She stared, then held the glittering cross against her chest and studied the effect in the looking glass. Long seconds passed.
牋牋牋牋牋?Heaven or Hell, Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?She looked into the mirror, at the cross against her chest, and saw reality.
牋牋牋牋牋?She lowered the cross and chose.
牋牋牋牋牋?Hell it was.
牋牋牋牋牋?She put the cross back on the counter with nerveless fingers, turned stiffly, and walked in the direction she抎 seen Sandi go minutes earlier. She found the restroom and went inside. It had only one stall and an overpowering smell of antiseptic.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝andi??Her voice cracked as she spoke.
牋牋牋牋牋?A cough came from the stall. After a moment, the toilet flushed and Sandi opened the door and came out. Her face was red and wet from crying. The sour odor of vomit clung to her.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn took her friend by the arm and got her cleaned up at the sink. As the water ran, Quinn spoke, keeping her voice low and steady. 揑 figured it out,?she said. 揌ere抯 what we抮e going to do.?/p>
*
牋牋牋牋牋?Putting Quinn抯 plan into action took another phone call to the clinic to fill in the staff on what was coming. While Quinn made the call and worked out the details, Sandi had the saleslady take her up to the children抯 department, ostensibly to find gifts for her little brothers梘ifts she of course had no intention of actually buying.
牋牋牋牋牋?The receptionist passed the call to the clinic抯 director, who listened to Quinn outline her plan and discussed its problems. The clinic entrance had a metal detector in front of it, and the clinic staff did not want anyone to enter without passing through it. The girls each needed a picture ID like a driver抯 license to show to the guard at the front. If they planned to enter in a hurry, they had to get rid of all metal objects on their persons to prevent being sent through the metal detector a second time; the protestors?reactions would not be predictable, and speed would be essential. Leaving their purses behind was recommended, as clinic rules required the guard to search all handbags, backpacks, and briefcases to prevent the clinic from being bombed, which had happened in other cities.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑t抯 not that we don抰 trust you,?began the clinic director, 揵ut棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 know, I know, I know,?Quinn interrupted. 揇on抰 worry about it. Can you tell the guard what抯 up??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥e can, but I have to say that what you抮e planning to do has some risk involved. I definitely don抰 recommend you do this, and it would be much better if you came back another day when conditions are a little more under棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揥e can抰. This is it. We抣l be down there in about half an hour.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The director sighed. 揃e careful, then. I don抰 want either of you hurt.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Before Sandi went off with the saleslady, the girls had agreed that neither of them would buy anything in the store using credit cards, which would reveal their true location on the following month抯 bill. Sandi would have little cash left over after paying her medical fee, so Quinn bought the necessary items at the jewelry counter with her own money, once the saleslady returned. She then left with Sandi and went to the car to start the second part of the plan, which was to remove everything they had that might trip the metal detector, locking those items and their purses in the car trunk. Cell phones, fingernail files, lipstick cases, everything metallic was discarded. Quinn was relieved to see that Sandi抯 mood improved as they worked; the crying had stopped and some of the old, in-charge Sandi came back.
牋牋牋牋牋?揅rap,?said Quinn once they had finished. She had locked up the car and was now looking at the car keys in her hand. 揑 have to have the car keys to get back in, and we can抰 take them to棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hich one抯 the main car key??Sandi said. When Quinn showed her, Sandi took that key off the ring, opened the trunk, tossed the rest of the keys inside, then slammed it.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝andi!?Quinn gasped.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥atch and learn,?said Sandi. Making sure they were alone, Sandi went to the front of the car and knelt, then carefully laid the key on top of the front left tire where it could not be seen by anyone idly walking by. She stood up and motioned to Quinn. 揕et抯 go.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn had put the two items she抎 purchased at the jewelry counter on the car roof, and she retrieved them and handed one to Sandi, who put it on. They then looked at each other and studied the results.
牋牋牋牋牋?揂 cross is a cross, I guess,?said Sandi. She reached over and picked up the four-inch-long gold cross that hung from the heavy chain from Quinn抯 neck, comparing it to her own. 揑 think mine is cuter than yours,?she said at last.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn glanced up in surprise, then saw the twisted smirk on her friend抯 face. On impulse, Quinn leaned forward and gave Sandi a long hug, which Sandi returned. Neither could think of anything more to say. When they were ready, they set off into the wind.
牋牋牋牋牋?As the girls turned the corner and started down the sidewalk toward the clinic, they could tell the situation in town had not improved. A lone police car was parked a block away from the clinic, which was now at the center of a crowd of protestors that looked to be in the low hundreds. The protestors had stopped marching and were listening to a loud argument going on between the town抯 two police officers, accompanied by the professional lady Quinn had seen earlier, and a half dozen protestors who seemed to be in charge of things. The guard remained at the clinic door, pacing and watching the crowd, which was spilling over into the clinic抯 parking lot.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, boy,?muttered Sandi, watching the goings-on with narrow eyes. Despite her pale face, her jaw was set.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝mile,?said Quinn, who forced her own smile.
牋牋牋牋牋?揜iiight.?Sandi抯 smile appeared. It looked no more natural than Quinn抯.
牋牋牋牋牋?As Quinn looked down at the protestors, a memory surfaced in her mind. It was a breakfast conversation at home a year earlier, on a school day. It was one of the times when Daria was talking about gross things, and on this particular morning, Daria was talking about the ways in which people talked about death. It grew out of their mother抯 comment that a great aunt of hers had passed away.
牋牋牋牋牋?Died, you mean, said Daria. She died.
牋牋牋牋牋?That抯 what I said, said their mother, nettled.
牋牋牋牋牋?No, it isn抰, said Daria. You said she passed away. No one likes to talk about death. They make up hundreds of words and phrases to hide it, but it all means the same thing: death.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria, said their mother, her patience wearing thin, it isn抰 polite to talk about things like this so, um, baldly.
牋牋牋牋牋?Old Baldy? asked their father, looking up from his plate in surprise to touch his receding hairline. Are you saying I抦 getting bald?
牋牋牋牋牋?Eat your breakfast, Jake, said his wife.
牋牋牋牋牋?So, Daria went on, ignoring her father, if I say that someone抯 kicked the bucket, or bought the farm, or cashed in his chips, that抯 better than just saying that he died?
牋牋牋牋牋?Bought the farm, said their father, buttering a piece of toast. Where do you think that phrase came from? What sort of farm was it, I wonder?
牋牋牋牋牋?A dead one, I bet, said Daria.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria, warned their mother, your levity is inappropriate.
牋牋牋牋牋?But I抦 saying it in a deadpan, said Daria with a straight face.
牋牋牋牋牋?And everyone抯 grossing me out! Quinn had shouted, unable to hold it in any longer. Just stop talking so I can eat, okay?
牋牋牋牋牋?There was a moment of blissful silence. Then Daria began to hum, and after a moment she began to sing in an off-key tone: One more river, and that抯 the river of Jordan / One more river, there抯 one more river to cross.
牋牋牋牋牋?Daria was sent away from the table on the spot. Her choice of song had puzzled Quinn until this very moment, when she suddenly put it all together. 揅rossing the river of Jordan?meant to die.
牋牋牋牋牋?In her mind as she approached it, the crowd winding around the clinic became the equivalent of the Jordan River of hymnal fame. When I cross that river before me, she thought, I am going to die. My body will probably not die, unless someone shoots me or sets off a bomb, but my immortal soul will die for sure. I will burn for eternity. The possibility sounded quite real. She swallowed. So be it. I will not abandon my best friend. I would rather go to Hell and burn forever. Bring it on.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat??said Sandi, smiling through her teeth.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn was startled from her reverie. 揌uh??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou were mumbling about bringing something.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揢h . . . sorry.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝mile,?Sandi prompted. 揧ou told me to smile, so you have to smile, too.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揢h, right.?Quinn looked down and made sure the gold cross was clearly displayed on the outside of her jacket. 揌ere we go,?she whispered.
牋牋牋牋牋?The girls automatically linked arms, gaining courage from the contact. Many in the crowd closest to them looked them over as they approached. Quinn steered away from the police-protestor argument. 揌i!?she said as they walked up. 揂re you here because of棓 She gestured in the direction of the clinic.
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hat抯 right,?said a man dressed in farming work clothes. 揥e抮e from the Carter County Christian Church. Where are you from??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙akwood,?said Quinn, but Sandi at the same moment said, 揅umberland.?Quinn laughed aloud as if there had been no mistake at all. 揥e抳e been friends since we were kids, but her family moved away,?she added quickly. 揗y name is Daria Mor棓 She coughed 摋Morten, and this棓 She indicated Sandi 摋is Jane Lane.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Several people nodded to them and put out their hands. Everyone shook. Sandi rolled her eyes but accepted the name change.
牋牋牋牋牋?揌ow old are you girls??asked a woman in a heavy woolen coat.
牋牋牋牋牋?揘ineteen,?said Sandi. 揂nd, uh . . . Daria is seventeen.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝eventeen and a half,?corrected Quinn. 揓ane was born in August and held back a year, but I was born in May and棓
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hatever,?said Sandi with a mock glare. 揥e抮e high-school seniors. We came in to do some shopping, then saw you here and thought we抎 see what was going on.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat is going on??Quinn asked, keeping up her smile.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥e抮e doing the Lord抯 work,?said another man. 揔eeping people from using the services of this evil place where they kill babies.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi抯 smile froze.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat if people want to leave there??asked Quinn, stepping into the silence. She noticed that they were drawing a crowd. Too late, she remembered that being a cute, attractive teenager drew strangers like mad梕ven among adult protestors. And now the crowd had two cute, attractive teens to look at.
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hey can leave,?said a woman, 揵ut no one can get back in. We抮e shuttin?it down for the day, and maybe tomorrow, too.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h,?said Quinn. 揢m, is it okay if we look around, talk to some people??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Several people turned to eye the confrontation with the police, which was becoming louder and more heated. 揑t might be best if you two went somewhere else,?said the first man who spoke to them. 揟hings might get out of hand here shortly.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Shit! Quinn looked around. 揑 see. Well, okay梠h! Uh, Jane! Look!?Quinn took Sandi抯 arm and pointed. 揑t抯 Veronica! Over there, in back!?Remembering to smile, she moved forward into the crowd, dragging Sandi with her.
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hat??said Sandi, stumbling along. 揤eronica??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah, Veronica! There in the back!?Quinn looked directly at a middle-aged lady standing in the parking lot and waved to her, still moving through the crowd. The lady, carrying a sign that said END ABORTION FOREVER, looked at Quinn in surprise and confusion. 揌ey, Aunt Veronica!?Quinn called. 揑t抯 us! Daria and Jane! How are棓 Quinn faked a double-take as she got within ten feet of the woman and cried, 揙h, my gosh! I抦 so sorry! I thought you were my aunt!?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙h, I don抰 think so,?said the lady, looking her over. 揑 don抰 believe I know you young ladies.?She glanced over Quinn抯 shoulder with a trace of anxiety. The shouting match between the police officers and protestors had reached a nasty crescendo.
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o, of course not,?said Quinn brightly. She put her right hand in her pocket and clutched her driver抯 license. She needed to get a little farther from the crowd, and then she抎 run for it. 揗y name is Daria Morten, from Oakwood. I抦 so sorry, I was sure you were my aunt! You look just exactly棓
牋牋牋牋牋?Without warning, Sandi bolted for the clinic door, racing across the parking lot like a whirlwind. She tore the cross from her neck as she ran and flung it away. The cross and chain slid across the parking lot and wedged themselves under a car tire. A split-second later, Quinn sprinted after her, pulling her own necklace over her head with her left hand. Surprised shouts arose behind them.
牋牋牋牋牋?As she ran, Sandi reached into her jacket pocket for her driver抯 license. She pulled out her hand梑ut the license slipped from her fingers and bounced across the pavement behind her. Whirling, she looked for the fallen card but did not immediately notice it. Quinn saw it and slowed, leaning down to grab for it梩hen someone, an older man, grabbed her jacket from behind and shouted, 揌ey! You can抰棓
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn spun, the necklace swinging whiplike in her fingers with the cross at the end. She was across the river and forever done for; she felt she could do anything now. The heavy cross hit the man in the face; he recoiled with a cry and released her. She dropped the cross and chain, snatched up Sandi抯 license, and drove on for the clinic entrance at top speed. Sandi was already there by the guard, who had pulled a stun gun from his holster and held it at the ready. ?i>Don抰 shoot me!?Quinn screamed, holding out the two driver抯 licenses. She shoved them at the guard抯 face for a second, then snagged Sandi and dragged her through the metal detector gate after her. The detector did not go off. The guard quickly followed. Someone in the clinic pulled open the door. The screaming girls flung themselves inside, and the guard came in after them, slamming the door hard and snapping two deadbolts into place as he did. Moments later, violent pounding began on the outside of the door, mixed with shouted threats and curses.
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn clutched Sandi to her as both burst into tears, their faces buried in each other抯 jackets. I抦 dead, thought Quinn. I抦 dead and damned for doing this.
牋牋牋牋牋?Strange, she thought, that she did not regret it.
牋牋牋牋牋?The receptionist, clinic director, and two nurses met them, checked their IDs, and let an exhausted Sandi sign in. Police sirens howled outside, coming into town. The pounding on the clinic door subsided, but the shouting outside did not. More sirens joined in the fray.
牋牋牋牋牋?揅ounty sheriff and his deputies,?sighed the director, a short, middle-aged woman with a tired face. 揟ook him long enough. Guess he抣l get my vote next time he runs for office.?/p>
*
牋牋牋牋牋?True to form, the clinic waiting room had no magazines more recent than November 1999, and the television set would get only the Forecast Channel. Simultaneously bored to tears and worried to death about Sandi, Quinn wandered aimlessly on her feet until the receptionist asked her if she wanted some herbal tea. Quinn accepted and sipped from her cup as she waited, staring at the clock. They had been in the clinic only half an hour.
牋牋牋牋牋?揇id you have a long drive in??asked the receptionist. With no other clients likely to come in that day, she had little to do herself.
牋牋牋牋牋?揂bout an hour,?said Quinn. 揥e stopped a lot for bathroom breaks. She was pretty tired.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揌ave you been her friend long??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn held the cup with both hands below her chin, bathed in the tea抯 aroma. 揟hree years now. We moved here from Texas. I met her on my first day at school. We hit it off right away.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥ell,?said the receptionist, 搒he抯 lucky to have someone like you in her life.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn thought about that, then absently said, 揟hat抯 what friends are for.?She looked over. 揥ill she be in long? Is she doing okay??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揑抣l check.?The receptionist left Quinn with her thoughts. She looked at the television. No rain coming to Lawndale and vicinity until the following week.
牋牋牋牋牋?The receptionist came back. 揝he抯 finished her paperwork, and she抯 had blood drawn. She got a little sick, so they have her resting for a while. You want to see her??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn put down the cup of tea and got up at once. 揧es, sure,?she said. 揑f I can go back there.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝ure, you can. The nurse said it was fine.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?The receptionist spoke with a nurse, who left Quinn down a clean, white hallway to a gray door. Sandi was lying under a light sheet on an examination table in a room with the lights turned low. The nurse let Quinn in, leaving the door partly open.
牋牋牋牋牋?揌i,?said Quinn. She walked over. Sandi raised a white hand toward her, and Quinn took it and found it chilled. She pressed the hand to her chest to warm it. 揌ow are you doing??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟ired,?Sandi whispered. Her grip on Quinn抯 hand strengthened. 揇o you mind staying with me for a while??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙f course not.?She stroked Sandi抯 face. Her skin was cool and damp. 揑t抯 more fun to be with you than in the waiting room. TV set抯 broken.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou should have brought a book.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧ou didn抰 bring your book, either,?Quinn pointed out.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 forgot it.?Sandi stared up at Quinn. 揑 can抰 believe we did it.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘either can I,?said Quinn.
牋牋牋牋牋?They were silent for a while.
牋牋牋牋牋?揝hould have brought the book,?said Sandi.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 could call Daria and ask her what it was about.?Quinn smiled. 揑t might piss her off, but it would be sort of funny, you know.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揧eah. Maybe you could read the Cliff抯 Notes to me when we get back tonight. A bedtime story.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋??i>Huckleberry Finn? Well, I could read only the exciting parts, if there are any.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揙kay.?A pause. 揓ust don抰 use the N-word, okay? What they called black people. I hate that part.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揘o problem. I won抰.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揟hat book is so awful. I can抰 believe the way they speak. It抯 worse than gangsta rap. And riding a raft around just because they feel like it, that抯 such a . . . guy thing.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn snickered. 揑t is. Maybe someone made a movie of it. We could rent that.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揥hatever抯 quicker.?Sandi yawned. 揟ired,?she said.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑抦 not surprised.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Sandi looked up. 換uinn??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揌mmm??/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Her friend hesitated. 揥ould you . . . will you stay with me through the . . . when they do the . . .?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揝ure.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?Quinn could see the relief run through Sandi抯 face and body. 揟hanks,?she said. 揟hank you.?She closed her eyes. A moment later, she pulled Quinn抯 hand to her mouth and kissed it. 揑 never had a friend like you.?/p>
牋牋牋牋牋?揈verything will be all right,?said Quinn. She had not believed this would be true, before now, but she began to wonder if it were possible after all.
牋牋牋牋牋?揙kay.?Even in the faint light, Quinn could see the tracks of tears running down from Sandi抯 eyes into her hair and ears. She reached down and brushed them away.
牋牋牋牋牋?So much remained to be worked out梙ow the procedure would go, how they were to get back to the car, would the car even be there when they returned, what would Sandi抯 condition be like on the way home, would they be able to keep this a secret from everyone else, how would the weekend go with Sandi staying over . . .
牋牋牋牋牋?Somehow, the details did not seem to matter anymore. Even the ultimate issue of what was happening to her soul was less important than this. Maybe even that would be okay, too.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 love you,?whispered Sandi.
牋牋牋牋牋?揑 love you,?Quinn whispered back, and they waited together for the door to open again.
Original: 10/02/04, modified 10/28/04
FINIS