And When Your Heart
Begins to Bleed
Text ?005 The Angst Guy
(thenagstguy@yahoo.com)
Daria and associated
characters are ?005 MTV Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me,
whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: theangstguy@yahoo.com
Synopsis: Daria, Jane, Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, and other students
at Lawndale High struggle through a brutal twenty-four-hour period of
unforeseen challenges, in this alternate-universe tale created from a list of
the 揟op Ten Things That Never Happen in Daria Fanfics?(with a few extra ideas
thrown in).
Author抯 Notes: This story contains graphic and disturbing material;
it is probably just below having an R rating. Other author抯 notes were moved
to the end of the story.
Acknowledgements: My sincere appreciation goes to Mike Yamiolkoski,
who came up with the original list of 揟hings That Never Happen in Daria
Fanfics,?and to WacoKid, who came up with the Iron Chef contest that sparked
this story. All other contributors of ideas to this story are acknowledged in
the 揂uthor抯 Notes?at the story抯 end.
It抯 like a lion at the door;
And when the door begins to crack,
It抯 like a stick across your back;
And when your back begins to smart,
It抯 like a penknife in your heart;
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You抮e dead, and dead, and dead, indeed.
梖rom 揂 Man of Words and Not of Deeds,?/p>
(English nursery rhyme, anon.)
Chapter One
Daria Morgendorffer awoke on a cold Monday morning in May with her head full of
things she wanted only to forget. Reaching for the off button on the alarm by
her bed, she swung her legs from under the covers and sat up, weary despite her
heavy sleep. She didn抰 brush back the curtain of her brown hair and reach for
her glasses as she usually did. Instead, she stared at the floor and did
nothing for a length of time. She felt dirty with the knowledge of her
stupidity. In a few hours she would face the consequences of a misguided
impulse, and she could think of no way around it.
Better, then, to meet her fate as soon as possible and get it over with梪nless
she could escape from it a little bit longer.
She got out of bed and stumbled over several days?worth of discarded clothing
on her way across her bedroom, planning to take a shower. Her hand was on the
doorknob before it occurred to her that the world was decidedly blurry.
Grimacing, she went back to the TV stand, put on her glasses, and left the
room, shuffling down the hall in her nightshirt. Her parents moved quietly around
in their bedroom, preparing for their day at their separate jobs. If Daria
hurried, she could get showered, eat, and miss them both.
She opened the bathroom door to find that Quinn had beaten her to it. Her
red-haired younger sister was wiping acne medicine over her face with a cotton
ball. She wore a pink bathrobe, her long, wet hair wrapped in a towel. The air
was full of steam.
Daria was on the verge of making a remark about a mythical zit on Quinn抯 neck, solely to get back at her sister for hogging the bathroom first, when Quinn said, 揑抦 done. Bathroom抯 yours.?o:p>
揙h,?said Daria. 揙kay.?Her expectation of exchanging witty barbs with her
sister collapsed. 揝o, how did your date last棓
揋otta run,?Quinn said, looking away. She threw out the cotton ball, picked up
her hairbrush and hair dryer, and scooted past Daria to her own room down the
hall.
Daria stepped out of the bathroom to look after her, but Quinn hurried into her
bedroom and shut the door, locking it. Daria went back in the bathroom, closed
the door, and prepared herself for what she suspected would be a very long day.
When her shower and toweling off were done, she hesitated before the mirror and
looked at her face, examining every aspect of it with great intensity. An
unsuspected truth settled over her, a burden that weighed down her shoulders as
well as her dreams.
I抦 not beautiful, she thought. She turned her face from side to side,
eyeing her image. I抳e always known I wasn抰 beautiful, but I never really
saw how ugly I was until now. I抳e hardly ever given my looks a second thought,
except when I pulled off that stunt with Quinn抯 boyfriends to get her to stop
pretending to be a brain, or when I tried wearing contacts for a while. The
reality is right in front of me. I can抰 believe I never saw it before. I抦 not
beautiful or even good-looking. I抦 not even handsome in a feminine way. My
face has no character or sex appeal at all. None, zip, zero, nothing.
Why did I think I could change that? I really believed the trip I made to
the salon in Oakwood Saturday afternoon would reveal a beautiful me hidden
under my glasses. I really thought it would. I wanted to look my best for my
beloved (a part of her mind began to laugh at phrase: my beloved). I
went to the best salon Quinn knew of, and they did everything they could to
bring out that beautiful inner me, but I came home looking like a desperate
hooker. The eyeliner, the rouge, my hair, everything桰 looked awful, like a
nightmare, like a whore, and I washed it off before anyone else saw, the money
wasted except to show me the truth of myself, the real inner me.
I抦 not beautiful. I抦 not wise and thoughtful. I抦 not kind. All I have to
catch a partner抯 attention is my intelligence, but even that sucks as a hook.
It wasn抰 worth a thing last night, when I took that big chance and said those
three magic words to the one I loved. (The one I loved, ran her
thoughts again and again, emphasizing the past tense.) I held out my heart,
and my beloved looked at me as if I was a fool, because in that moment I was a
fool. Daria, said my beloved (gently, carefully, trying not to shatter my heart
completely), I don抰 love you, not like that. We don抰 have any chemistry. I
care about you, but I don抰 love you in the way you want. We were always meant
to be friends. We can抰 fit together in any other way, not like you want. Let抯
be friends, Daria, let抯 just go back to being good friends.
The words were out, and my beloved did not take them back. My heart fell
from me and died.
Strange, that I did not cry when I went home. Strange, I lost everything I had
inside me and did not cry. It didn抰 seem to be worth it.
Daria took off her glasses and leaned close to the mirror, looking over every
pore on her nose and cheeks. After a long moment, she looked away, ashamed, and
put her glasses on again.
I was a fool for the one I thought was my beloved, and what have I to show
for it?
No one answered her.
She left the bathroom to get dressed.
Today would only get worse, she knew. It would get a lot worse. The analogy of
looking into a bottomless grave was not inappropriate.
Chapter Two
Quinn Morgendorffer sat on her bed and dried her long red hair, staring into
space. She then brushed it out until it was a blaze of orange fire, but she
didn抰 look in the mirror to check. She knew what she looked like. More
importantly, she no longer cared. Being beautiful was automatic. She no longer
had to think about what makeup to put on or what clothes to wear. Her hands
moved of their own volition and did all the work for her, leaving her mind free
to think about anything she wanted.
What is it that I want? Quinn thought. I finally have to choose. What
is it I really want? She hadn抰 a clue. Twenty-four hours earlier she knew
perfectly well what she wanted in life. She was the most popular girl in
Lawndale High, had all the clothing and accessories any teenage girl could
imagine, and had enough dates to keep her in French food until she went to
college. Quinn had not a care in the world, and then she went out for a second
date with Skylar Feldman. Now, she knew nothing at all.
Skylar on the surface was okay. He was handsome enough and knew his manners.
His family was rich and had a boat, and he had all the toys a teenage guy could
want, including his own sports car. However, over the last year, Skylar didn抰
care about that so much. Lately, he抎 not been quite so full of himself, not so
inclined to act like he was hot stuff. Now he kept to himself and didn抰 talk
when he had nothing to say, and that made him sort of interesting. Last Friday,
Quinn found an excuse to chat with him. After some hesitation he asked her out
for dinner on Sunday night, which was what she wanted in the first place.
Yet梚t wasn抰 exactly what she wanted, either. Skylar had taken her out once
before, several years ago, but he抎 dumped her when he discovered she was
planning to dump him later for his best friend. Quinn didn抰 see the harm in
it. She never had any intention of going steady. Why limit your options when
you抮e on top of the world? Why limit yourself to one guy?
But what if the guy was the right one?
And how did you know if a guy was right, or only looked it?
No one had a good answer for any of these questions. When asked the latter,
Quinn抯 mother ranted on about a stunt-car driver to whom she抎 lost her
virginity, God knew how many years ago, until Quinn escaped to the bathroom.
Her friends in the Fashion Club had completely different ideas on what
constituted a 搑ight guy,?none of them helpful in the least to Quinn抯
situation. Tiffany was the worst on the subject. She wanted only a guy who
thought she was thin, as if her recent habit of running to the bathroom to
throw up lunch would ever attract anyone except gastrointestinal specialists.
Clearly, Tiffany needed help, but whether that help should be medical or
psychiatric, no one in the Fashion Club could say. Quinn had decided to inform
the high-school principal, Ms. Li, about it梐nonymously, of course. Rail-thin
Tiffany had no spare weight she could afford to lose.
Quinn shrugged it off. Tiffany抯 method of finding the right guy wasn抰 the
issue. The problem was, Quinn had not been looking for the right guy. It hadn抰
even been an issue. He had simply shown up, unannounced.
I抦 not in love, Quinn thought. I know that for sure. I抦 not in love
with Skylar, but I do want to see him again. I wouldn抰 mind if he came by
today and asked me out again. It might even be worth bending my rule about slow
dancing and see what he抯 like up close on the third date instead of the fifth.
If he doesn抰 ask me out, I won抰 be broken up about it梑ut I抦 pretty sure
he抣l ask me. I hope he will, anyway. I want that.
Her hands hovered over her collection of perfumes, settling on her personal
favorite. This had better work, she thought, and she was surprised
because this was the first time she抎 ever not been sure that a guy would ask
her out again, the first time she抎 ever questioned her ability to catch a
guy抯 attention and hold it. The difference was that during dinner the night
before, Skylar had asked about the real Quinn, which Quinn had assumed would
always stay hidden. When Skylar pressed, though, she finally let him see a
little of what lay behind her bouncy orange hair and makeup梐nd Skylar had
liked what he saw. He liked the real Quinn. That just blew Quinn抯 mind. That
anyone would like what was really inside her, that was just impossible.
And that was a rush like nothing else in the entire world.
Well, like almost nothing else.
I抦 not in love, Quinn thought, but Skylar listened to me and got me
to talk about stuff that was really bothering me, like my grades and college
and a career and all that futuristic junky stuff. He didn抰 talk about himself
or his family抯 boat. He didn抰 tell me how cool he was. He didn抰 try to tell
me what I should do about my problems. He just listened. When did guys start to
do that, anyway? Maybe he抯 a mutant or something.
And梙e told me I was intelligent. I couldn抰 believe it. He said it like it
was a good thing, not like it was a smart-like-Daria geek thing. He said I had
a lot going on upstairs, and he said it like it turned him on. Not even my
tutor David from last summer said I was really smart. I can抰 believe I ever
liked him anyway, though he did help me with my schoolwork and said he was
proud of me, which was something, I guess. But Skylar also said he believed in
me, which David never did. Skylar said I could do anything. When he said
that, it made me think I could do anything, absolutely anything in the world.
Something inside me went ping, and I felt really, really good. I can抰
ever remember feeling good like that. It hit me all the way from my head down
to my toes梐nd everywhere between.
Quinn shivered, then got up from her dressing table and walked to her closet.
She put on the first thing she grabbed, then put on the next thing she grabbed,
then put something on her feet and went to her jewelry box and put on a few
more things梐nd stopped. The small black box Skylar had given her last night
held her attention. After deliberating, she took out the box and unwrapped it.
Two gold earrings glittered within. Quinn carefully put them on and looked in
the mirror, then left her room, looking her best without half trying.
I抦 not in love, but I think it抯 time to try going steady for real, she
thought. I抣l go steady with Skylar, if he抣l do it. I hope he does. I want
that more than anything梕ven more than梬ell, maybe even more than that.
Quinn knew she had crossed into a new territory in her world. She had left
behind the old and safe and predictable for the new and frightening and
exhilarating, traveled to a place where the payoffs and losses and the joy and
pain would be spectacular. A new Quinn was in town, and there was no way to
undo it.
She never once considered what Jeffy, Joey, or Jamie would think about that.
She did not even remember their names.
Chapter Three
It wasn抰 until Daria was already outside her home and on her way to school
that she realized that she was walking to Jane抯 house, as she always did. She
stopped and stared down the street, unsure of which direction she should go. Do
I really want to do this after last night? Can I possibly face the mess
I made? Can I possibly face Jane?
After a long moment, she tentatively kept going for Jane抯. She could have
turned around and let Jane walk to Lawndale High by herself, which would have
been less awkward than what she was about to do梑ut what was the point of
having a best friend if you made a point of avoiding her?
Unless your best friend wanted to avoid you. Jane probably wanted it
that way, too, given what Daria had done last night. Daria could hardly blame
her if so.
The fifteen-minute walk to the Lane home seemed to take eons. Daria turned a
final corner and looked down Jane抯 street梐nd there was Jane, sitting on the
front step of her home, looking back at her. She抎 obviously been there for
some time. Daria stopped dead on the sidewalk at the curb, focused on her only
friend.
After a moment, her only friend got up, brushed herself off, picked up her
backpack, and casually strode across three neighbors?yards to get directly to
Daria. As Jane approached, Daria looked away, pretending to be interested in
the building rush-hour traffic.
揥asn抰 sure if you抎 come around this morning,?said Jane without preamble. 揟hought it was better if I came outside rather than have you come in.?o:p>
Daria nodded, her face expressionless. 揑 didn抰 know if you want to see me,?she said, looking at the ground.
揥hy wouldn抰 I? Don抰 answer that.?Jane began walking, Daria followed, and soon they were headed side-by-side toward the high school. After a reasonable silence, Jane took a deep breath. 揂re you okay??o:p>
揘o,?said Daria quickly. 揘o, I抦 not.?She swallowed and added, 揑抦 sorry.?o:p>
揇on抰 be sorry.?Jane shrugged. 揑t抯 not like the end of the world. I hope.?o:p>
揑t feels like it is,?said Daria. She rubbed her stomach as if in pain.
揗aybe it抯 not, though,?said Jane, squinting upward. 揝un抯 up, sky抯 blue, we抮e not dead yet. That last part was supposed to be funny, by the way.?o:p>
揟hat was so stupid of me,?Daria mumbled. She realized she was walking too quickly and forced herself to slow down. 揑t was just plain dumb. I can抰 believe I did it.?o:p>
Jane made no immediate response except to take another breath. 揇on抰 run away from me,?she said after a pause, 揵ut I sorta can抰 believe you did it, either. I mean, you didn抰 do anything wrong, it抯 just that梬ell, you surprised me, I guess. That抯 all. You wanna talk about it, or should I pick up the rest of the story telepathically??o:p>
They walked together for an entire block before Daria said, 揑 don抰 know what got into me. It started after Tom went off with his family to the Cove on vacation, and you and I were eating pizza in your kitchen. That was two weeks ago from yesterday, I think. Then Trent came in and had a piece with us, and I don抰 know what came over me. You left the room to turn down the stereo, and I asked him棓 Daria coughed in embarrassment 摋if I could write a song for him. For his group, I mean. Spiral.?o:p>
揝o, the song was for Spiral, and not just for my brother alone??o:p>
Daria cleared her throat and walked another half block without answering. Jane
walked patiently at her side.
The words spilled out of Daria in a rush. 揑抳e tried writing music a few times, and I can do lyrics, rhymes and things, just not the music, you know. I told him I wanted to find out more about what kind of music Mystik Spiral liked to play, because it would help me work out the lyrics, so I kind of asked him out, and we had pizza a few times, walked around town, just talked. It wasn抰 like we were dating, but I guess we were, sort of. Nothing else happened. We just talked, you know? It was nothing.?o:p>
揟rent didn抰 talk about it much, but I got the idea.?o:p>
揥e were just talking,?said Daria again. 揑t was nothing.?o:p>
揝o nothing happened,?echoed Jane. She thought to ask what Tom had said about all this, but she was quite sure now that Tom was out of the loop regarding this little secret. 揝low down a little.?o:p>
Daria forced herself to walk slower. 揝orry,?she said, still not looking up.
揇aria,?said Jane, and she paused, searching for the magic phrase to make this better. 揑f I understand what happened correctly, things like this happen all the time.?o:p>
揘o,?said Daria flatly. 揘o, they don抰. Not to me.?o:p>
揝o, you and Trent went out last night and talked about the music business over pizza? He didn抰 talk to me this morning about what went on last night, but I take it that抯 what happened.?o:p>
揧eah,?said Daria in a small voice. 揥e came right back to your place afterwards. You know that, right? We just came in to talk a little more. About the song.?o:p>
揂nd you asked him what he thought of it,?said Jane.
Daria opened her mouth to speak, but she closed it after no words came out. She
reached up and wiped her eyes under her glasses. 揑 didn抰 know you were in the
next room,?she finally said. Her voice broke. 揑 should抳e just shut the hell
up and梐nd gone home and棓
Jane immediately knew what was coming. She caught Daria by her upper arm and
steered her away from the intersection that would take them directly to school,
pulling her friend toward a side street. Daria followed like a robot, her face
screwing up further with every step. Jane put her arm around Daria抯 shoulders,
over the top of her backpack, and pulled her close, matching Daria抯 pace as
best she could.
Two steps later, Daria burst into tears. Her shoulders shook as she inhaled
with a long, terrible wheeze, then covered her face and sobbed. She slowed but
continued walking blindly, guided along only by the pressure of Jane抯 body at
her side.
Jane swallowed and felt her own eyes burning. They walked down the side street
for several minutes as Daria wept. Passersby on foot and in cars glanced at the
two but looked away as if they抎 suddenly become invisible.
The weeping subsided before long. 揑 deed a hakerchef,?Daria mumbled, her nose
stopped up.
Jane dropped her hand from Daria抯 shoulders and pulled a wadded tissue from
her jacket pocket. Daria took it and blew her nose several times, stuffing it
into her own jacket pocket.
揥hat did Trent say??asked Jane.
Daria suddenly laughed through her tears, ending with another round of
coughing. 揌e said it sucked,?she said, forcing a smile.
Jane stared down at Daria抯 face. 揌e didn抰 put it that way, did he??o:p>
揘o, he didn抰. He was nice about it, but he said the song . . . it just wasn抰 the whatever, the genre or class or whatever kind of song that Spiral does. He said the other guys talked about it, and there were some things about it they liked, but they all thought it wouldn抰 work. They really didn抰 like it very much.?Daria sniffed hard, her smile gone. She struggled to resume her usual deadpan look. 揌e was nice about it, though, and he gave it back to me and I tore it up and threw it out when I got home, so that抯 over with and I don抰 have to do something stupid like that ever again.?She sniffed again. 揃ack to reality for this stupid girl.?o:p>
Jane led Daria around another corner, taking her on a block-long circular detour back to the main road heading for school. 揧ou didn抰 want me to see your song??o:p>
揘o!?said Daria, too loudly. She continued in a more normal voice. 揘o, I think that for the sake of future generations it should be left buried in that salt mine so no one抯 harmed by the deadly radiation it抯 giving off.?She nodded to herself. 揑抦 over it.?o:p>
Jane waited. They reached the halfway point in their long detour.
揥as that all Trent said??Jane asked.
揥as that all he said??repeated Daria in a dead voice. She sniffed. 揥as that all he said, you mean, after he said he didn抰 love me??o:p>
Jane turned her head instantly. Daria抯 face was turning red again.
揙h, no,?said Jane in horror. She slowed down.
Daria抯 eyes squeezed shut as she lowered her head. 揧ou didn抰 hear that part?
I told him that I loved him, but he said he didn抰 love me back and I said that
was okay and I said I was sorry and he said棓 Tears fell like a hot rain over
her jacket front.
Jane caught Daria by the arm again and pulled her to a stop. There was nothing
else Jane could do but put her arms around Daria, as the smaller girl pressed
her face to Jane抯 chest and howled in her grief and shame. There was nothing
else Jane could do, but nothing would be enough, and she knew it. The pain was
too deep and wide.
When Daria cried this time, Jane looked as though she might, too. She was
close, but she stared at something over Daria抯 shoulder, something beyond
seeing that held her back from the edge. Daria wept, Jane stared at that
distant thing, and the cars drove by.
Chapter Four
Quinn arrived at Lawndale High in a daze. She didn抰 recall putting on makeup
before she left, and she stopped twice on the way to school to look in her
backpack mirror to make sure she had done so. She wore a frilly white blouse
over her skintight jeans, the proper amount of midriff showing, with her white
leather cowboy boots and the usual gold bracelets and anklets and rings and
necklaces梐nd the earrings that Skylar bought for her. She was aware of them
with every step, all the way across town.
Does he still want to see me? What should I do when I see him? What do I tell other people about us? I always knew what to do when going out with a guy, but if we really go steady, that means?o:p>
換uinn! Ohmigod!?Stacy Rowe appeared out of nowhere from a crowd of students in the hall and ran to her, shaking her by the arm. Her pigtails bounced with excitement. 換uinn, you抣l never ever believe this!?o:p>
Quinn pulled back and stared at her in shock. Something looked odd about Stacy抯 hair, but she couldn抰 pinpoint it. 揥hat??o:p>
揟iffany! Tiffany called me last night late and said she was in the hospital, at Cedars of Lawndale!?o:p>
Quinn forgot Skylar entirely. 揥hat? You抮e kidding me! What is she doing there??o:p>
揧ou know how we were so worried about her last week because she was throwing
up after lunch, and Sandi thought she was being anorectic or bulimic or
whatever? Well, guess what? It was food poisoning! She was sick because she was
eating this no-fat vegetable-substitute chicken salad that had gone bad in her
parents?refrigerator, and she didn抰 know it was the chicken salad that was
making her sick so she kept bringing it for lunch, you know? And棓
揥ell, how sick is she? Does she need to have an operation or something??o:p>
揘o, I don抰 think so.?Stacy was catching her breath now. 揝he said they were keeping her in for the night for observations, you know, to see if the antibiotics and everything they抮e giving her work. I guess she might come home later today if she stops throwing up. Can you believe that? Ohmigod!?o:p>
Just like Tiffany to make herself deathly ill when she thought she was
making herself thin, Quinn thought. Stacy herself didn抰 seen terribly
upset about it; she seemed far more excited to be the one to tell the news. 揥e
should get Sandi and go see her after school, then,?said Quinn, taking
command. 揌ave you seen棓
This fired Stacy up a second time. 揙h! Oh! Sandi抯 been looking for you! She said she had to see you about something really important but personal, and I asked her what it was but she said it was club business and I wasn抰 supposed to know what it was, but that抯 okay because I think it抯 about Tiffany but it might be about something else, you know? I don抰 know. Anyway, I抦 so glad to see you! You look . . .?o:p>
Stacy抯 voice trailed off. She leaned closer, her eyes growing larger as she
stared at the side of Quinn抯 head.
揥hat??said Quinn, frowning. She reached up and touched her cheek. 揝omething wrong??o:p>
揙h, Quinn!?Stacy gasped. 揟hose are so beautiful!?o:p>
The earrings, of course. 揙h, thank you,?said Quinn. She held her hair aside.
From her ear hung a bright gold earring in the shape of a smiling sun with a
human face and wavy rays stretching out from it. The face had great character
to it: the pleasantly jolly look of a person who has been showered in goodness
and is content with the world.
揥here did you buy these??Stacy asked, a look of religious awe on her face.
She reached over with care. Quinn felt fingers touch her ear, examining the
earring in detail.
揢m, I didn抰.?She swallowed, aware that she was blushing. 揝kylar bought them for me.?o:p>
Stacy抯 gaze shot to Quinn抯 face. 揝kylar??she repeated in surprise. 揌e got you these? Where did he get them? I . . . I could use something like these. They抮e so cool!?o:p>
揑 don抰 know. I didn抰 even think to ask him.?Quinn moved her head, pulling away from the lingering pressure of Stacy抯 fingertips on her cheek. 揧ou said Sandi was looking for me??o:p>
Stacy dropped her hand and seemed to come out of a trance. 揧eah,?she said. She looked around. 揝he was . . . she was around here just a minute ago, before you came in. I bet she抯 in homeroom. The bell抯 about to ring.?o:p>
揥ell, let抯 go then. Do you know anything else about Tiffany??o:p>
Stacy became animated again. 揙h!?she said. 揢m, she hates the wallpaper in
her room, and she said棓 Stacy dropped her voice conspiratorially 摋she was
afraid she抎 get fat from staying in bed all day, just like what happened to,
you know棓
揝andi when she broke her leg, right. She抯 only going to be there one night, I抦 sure.?Quinn tilted her head looking at Stacy. Her hair looked . . . odd. 揇id you color your hair? It looks kind of coppery-reddishy.?o:p>
揙h, do you like it??Stacy grinned mischievously. 揑t抯 a rinse, Crimson Highlighter. What do you think??o:p>
Quinn opened her mouth to say: It isn抰 you, Stacy. It clashes with your
skin tone and eye color and your blush, and you look like a B-grade sitcom
actress on a television set with bad tint control. She didn抰 say that,
however. She realized that she was sick of playing fashion director for
high-school kids, twenty-four/seven, telling everyone else what looked good
when they should be able to figure it out on their own. Quinn liked being in
charge, true, but she had a sense that her life was moving on, and the Fashion
Club wasn抰 necessarily one of those things that would be moving on with her.
People should stand on their own two feet once in a while, and if they made a
fashion mistake, so be it. It wasn抰 the end of the world. Stacy couldn抰 fix
her hair at school, anyway.
揙h梚t looks fine!?Quinn said. 揑 like it!?o:p>
Stacy抯 face became unnaturally radiant. 揙h!?she gasped. 揧ou mean it??o:p>
For reasons she couldn抰 fathom, Quinn had an eerie flashback to a time several
years earlier when she had planned to stay overnight at Stacy抯 house. Stacy
had insisted on dressing like Quinn and acting like Quinn and otherwise turning
herself into Quinn to an uncomfortable degree, and Quinn had left in a hurry.
Stacy was not so pathologically dependent on others lately as she had once
been, but still . . .
揧eah,?said Quinn. There was no way out of it now. 揑 mean it.?o:p>
揟hank you,?Stacy whispered. Her eyes began to tear up. 揑抣l be right back!?she said quickly, moving off. She bumped into another student but kept going.
揑 have to go to the bathroom桰抣l be right棓 She turned and fled.
What the hell抯 gotten into her? Quinn looked after her, then shrugged and went on to homeroom. She would see Skylar second period, in Mr. DeMartino抯 world history class, and that was sure to be a?o:p>
揜affle??Quinn started, but it was only Jodie Landon with a handful of blue-and-yellow cardboard tickets. 揑t抯 for the new school library.?o:p>
揝chool library??Quinn took a ticket and looked at it. 揑 thought we had one already, sort of. Or did the roof fall in on it again??o:p>
Jodie lowered her voice. 揗s. Li caught wind that reporters were coming to town next month to do a story on the state of public school libraries, and some insider told her Lawndale High was on the investigators?list. She抯 pulling a crash program to fix the place up after she looted the library fund to put up the metal detectors at the school entrances.?Jodie snorted. 揑 don抰 trust her, but this raffle might actually work.?o:p>
Quinn gave Jodie a quizzical look. 揑s this one of those voluntary we抎-better-buy-a-ticket-if-we-know-what抯-good-for-us things??o:p>
Jodie nodded, her expression bland. 揝mart girl. I bet you get handed your own stack of these in homeroom that you have to sell by Friday. We抮e all getting them.?o:p>
揥hatever.?Quinn fished a dollar from her purse and handed it over for the
ticket.
揃etter buy ten at least,?Jodie advised, 揵ut buy them out of your own stack. Our grades could be riding on this. She keeps track of sales on the school computer. Have you seen Daria and Jane around??o:p>
Quinn shook her head no. 揑抦 sure they抮e here somewhere. Thanks.?o:p>
揘o problem.?Jodie wandered off in search of another wandering soul with a
dollar to spare.
Thinking about the library made Quinn think about Daria. Daria would appreciate
knowing Quinn contributed to a library raffle. Maybe it would help the two of
them get along better. It couldn抰 hurt. She thrust the ticket in her backpack
and headed for homeroom.
The bell rang. Two periods to go until she saw Skylar. She couldn抰 wait.
Chapter Five
Half an hour after the first-period bell rang, Daria and Jane walked through
the doors of Lawndale High School. Jane glanced at her friend and saw that
Daria抯 weary face was back to normal, no longer red and swollen. She sighed in
relief, then glanced at the front of her red jacket. It was finally dry. Good.
揃etter go turn ourselves in to the authorities,?Daria muttered, almost her old self. 揕et抯 get our stories straight about the kidnapping, first.?o:p>
揃lack limo, possibly Mafia, locked us in the trunk but we found a crowbar and got out.?o:p>
揂nd they wore ski masks.?o:p>
揃lack ski masks.?o:p>
揋ot it.?o:p>
揧ou抳e got what??asked Ms. Li, from behind them.
Daria and Jane slowed and stopped. Their shoulders slumped, and they turned
around as one. Principal Li stood in a recessed classroom doorway, a handful of
blue-and-yellow fliers in her hands.
揢m, good morning, Ms. Li,?said Daria. 揥e were just looking for you.?o:p>
揜eally??said Ms. Li. 揥hat was your excuse for being late? I missed part of it.?o:p>
揟he kidnapping part was a joke,?mumbled Jane.
揑t is now, anyway,?said Daria glumly.
揥hat really happened was that we saw something in the sky,?said Jane. 揑t was
kind of silvery with little flashing lights along the sides, and we were
following it in hopes that棓
揑 broke up with my boyfriend,?Daria interrupted in her usual deadpan. 揑 had to talk to someone about it, and Jane helped me out. It抯 my fault we抮e late.?o:p>
Principal Li looked from Jane to Daria and back. 揥here did you see this
silvery thing??she asked Jane.
揘o, really,?said Daria. 揑 broke up with my boyfriend. I was having a bad time this morning, and Jane was the only person I could talk to about it.?She hesitated and added, 揑t was her brother.?o:p>
Jane looked back and forth from Daria to Ms. Li, finally letting out a sigh and
jerking a thumb in Daria抯 direction, nodding agreement.
Ms. Li stared at Daria with deep annoyance. 揈ven if I believed you, Miss Morgendorffer, breaking up with a boyfriend is no excuse for being late to school! The two of you are supposed to graduate in three weeks! What kind of example are you setting for the rest of the school, wandering in at whatever hour you please??o:p>
揂 damn good example!?someone cheerfully called from down the hall.
Daria, Jane, and Ms. Li looked in the direction of the voice. A young man with
long, dark hair stood by the men抯 room door. He wore a black t-shirt with a
bloody skull on it, black jeans with a metal-studded black belt, and dull black
military boots. He looked like a young Tom Cruise.
揑 don抰 think we asked for your opinion, Mister Griffin,?said Ms. Li coldly. 揜eturn to class.?o:p>
揅all me Alex,?he said, sauntering over. He eyed Daria and Jane with a smile. 揑f it was up to me, I抎 come to school from midnight to six. It抯 easier to download porn and bomb-making handbooks when no one抯 looking over your shoulder in the computer room. It抯 all educational, right??o:p>
揝omeone peed in the gene pool,?Jane muttered, looking Alex over with
distaste.
揟hat抯 enough, Mister Griffin!?Ms. Li snapped. 揟hat is not a socially accepted way to start your first day at Laaawndale High School! Report to my office at once!?o:p>
揝ure thing,?he said. He looked at Daria and grinned. 揂lex Griffin, cynic at large. My stuck-up cousin Sandi抯 the head fashion bitch here. I heard you broke up with your boyfriend. Bummer梖or him, I mean. What抯 your phone number??o:p>
揗ister Griffin,?said Ms. Li in her best warning tone.
揙ne eight-hundred buzz off,?said Daria with a glare.
揥hen you get tired of playing hard to get,?said Alex with a smirk, 搈aybe you and I can get a pizza, watch some TV or something. What抯 your name again??o:p>
Daria抯 glare deepened. 揑抦 Reality,?she said. 揑 don抰 think we抳e met.?o:p>
Alex laughed. 揟hat抯 pretty good! Go out with me, all right??o:p>
揥hen I see you in Hell.?o:p>
揗ister Griffin, go straight to my office now or face expulsion!?Ms. Li shouted in fury.
Alex grinned and waved as he walked away in the direction of the office. He
looked back at Daria and Jane before he disappeared around the corner. 揥e
outcasts have to stick together, right??he called.
揑f he wants to stick together,?said Jane darkly, 揑抳e got a glue gun that will solve all his problems.?o:p>
揗iss Lane, that won抰 be necessary.?Ms. Li shot an angry glance after the
departed Alex Griffin. 揟hough your idea is tempting, given that young man抯
complex and potentially dangerous past. I抣l have to call his parents again.?She turned back to Daria with a severe expression. 揂s I was saying, you can抰
use emotional instability as an excuse to棓
揧ou抮e selling raffle tickets for a new school library??Daria asked, looking
at the fliers Ms. Li held.
揢m, yes, yes we are, but that抯 not relevant to棓
揙h.?Daria reached in her jacket pocket and pulled out a handful of bills. She counted them out and handed them to Ms. Li. 揚ut me down for fifty dollars?worth, please.?o:p>
揟hirty for me,?said Jane, catching on and pulling her own money out.
Her train of thought derailed, Ms. Li looked at the two girls with a flustered expression. 揑桰 don抰梩his isn抰梪m棓 She hesitated, then gingerly reached out and took Daria抯 money. 揥ell, then, why don抰 we go back to the office and I抣l get those for you right away??o:p>
揟hat would be great,?Daria said with a straight face. 揑 promise to never again let my boyfriend problems interfere with my education.?o:p>
揝ame here,?said Jane, 搘henever I get another boyfriend.?o:p>
揈xcellent!?said Ms. Li, collecting Jane抯 contribution and leading the two girls down the corridor. 揑 won抰 put this incident in your permanent record, given your much-appreciated support for bettering Laaawndale High! I tell you, school spirit pops up in the most amazing places!?o:p>
Daria and Jane looked at each other and rolled their eyes. 揗s. Li,?Daria
said, 揓ane and I need to get our books for class. If we could stop by and pick
up our raffle tickets in a few minutes棓
揘ot a problem!?Ms. Li sang, counting their money again as she walked away.
Daria and Jane stopped and looked after her.
揊ast thinking,?said Jane. 揑抦 going to call you the next time that guy from the power company comes by to turn off the electricity because Mom and Dad forgot to pay the bills.?o:p>
Daria shrugged. She looked tired and drawn.
揂miga,?Jane said softly, 揳re you up to this today??o:p>
Daria ran a hand through her brown hair. 揟hat wannabe poseur just got to me, that抯 all.?o:p>
揕i will handle him for us.?Jane suddenly looked uncomfortable. 揘ot to change
the subject, and I hate to bring up another troubling male-related issue, but棓
揟om, I know,?said Daria. She stopped by her orange upper-tier locker, but she made no move to open it. 揑 don抰 know what to do about that.?o:p>
揌e抯 back from the Cove, right??o:p>
Daria took off her backpack and put it on the floor, then spun the combination
dial on her locker. 揌e抯 been back for a week. I抳e just been putting off
seeing him.?Her face twitched. 揟rent and all,?she added.
揥hat happens next??o:p>
Daria opened her locker and pulled books from it. 揑 don抰 have a clue. I just want to bury the last two weeks and move on.?She put her books in her backpack, then straightened and stared into the darkness in her locker. 揟om抯 coming by the house tonight to talk. I was planning to break up with him if . . . if things came out differently, but now I guess I抦 not. I don抰 know why he still wants to go out with me, anyway. Nothing抯 happening between us. Ever since he and his mother took me on that miserable trip to Bromwell, things have gone downhill. He and his mom pretended to fight all the way up and back, but they have a better home life than I do, so I don抰 know who they were trying to kid. And no matter what I need from him, every member of his family comes before I do.?o:p>
Daria looked down at her boots. 揌e doesn抰 take me anywhere, he doesn抰 act like I抦 anything special, we just sit around and watch TV all evening. He has that irritating cynical-rebel act down pat, but you know he抯 joining his dad抯 investment company the second he抯 out on the streets with a graduate diploma and a trendy idea in his head. Everything I do, he抯 always right and I抦 always wrong, and I can抰 take it anymore. I抦 sick of it.?She shut her locker, then leaned her head against the locker door and closed her eyes. 揑 don抰 know what to do. Maybe we should break up. What do you think??o:p>
揌mmm.?Jane scratched her nose. 揑抦 hardly the one to say, all things considered.?o:p>
揌e抯 the only guy who抯 ever shown an interest in me.?He抯 the only guy
who ever wanted to have sex with me, too, she thought. Imagine that.
The metal was cool against her forehead.
揟here are lots of fish in the sea, Daria,?said Jane after a beat. 揟rust me on this.?o:p>
Funny that she said that, Daria thought. Don抰 just lie there, he
said that night we were in his room. You抮e like a dead fish. Move around a
little. I don抰 know what to do, I said, I抳e never done this before. Jesus,
Daria, you read books, don抰 you? Just be natural, loosen up and be yourself.
But I was being myself. I didn抰 know what to do. I don抰 think he did, either.
It hurt, and we had to stop, and that was it. So I抦 a lousy lay, and I抦 ugly
on top of it. Great. That抯 just really great. I抳e really got it all together.
I can抰 imagine why he still wants to see me, after all that. Maybe I should
just be grateful.
揇aria??o:p>
揑 wish I抎 gotten into Raft,?Daria said in a low voice. 揑f we break up, I抣l be stuck at Bromwell with him for four years, and I don抰 think I could take that.?o:p>
揂t least you抮e going to college,?said Jane. 揓ust make the best of it.?o:p>
揧ou could抳e tried again at BFAC.?o:p>
揂nd wasted four years of my life.?Jane抯 expression hardened. 揗y art doesn抰 sell no matter what I do, so why bother? No one even wants to look at it. All that time I spent trying to get into Gary抯 Gallery, and pffft! Two months of a big freaking nothing. I should抳e learned my lesson when I flopped at that Art in the Park thing. Better to just stay here and go in with Ms. Defoe on her crafts?shop idea. I can make a pretty good concrete garden gnome, at least.?o:p>
Daria lifted her head from her locker and looked at her friend. 揟hat抯 not right, Jane, and you know it.?o:p>
Jane snorted. 揧ou have a chance for a real life, Daria. Do something with it.?o:p>
Daria frowned, her voice rising. 揇on抰 give me that crap, okay??o:p>
They stared at each other, bristling.
揕et抯 stop before we really screw this up,?said Jane, softening her glare. 揅ome on. Let抯 hit my locker and get our tickets before Ms. Li breaks your charm spell.?o:p>
Daria抯 anger faded as well, though depression slid into its place. 揝ure,
whatever,?she said as she walked with Jane to her own locker. The day was not
over yet, she knew. She had no idea what she would say to Tom. All she could
hope was that he wouldn抰 find out about Trent. That would be the end of
everything.
Chapter Six
There wasn抰 time or opportunity to chat in homeroom, so Quinn waited until the bell rang and she and Sandi Griffin could head off to their first-period French class. 揝tacy said you were looking for me,?Quinn said as they went out the door together. 揑 didn抰 check my messages last night when I got in. Is this about Tiffany??o:p>
揂mong other things,?said Sandi in her deep nasal voice, leading the way. She
looked increasing irked as she negotiated the noisy, crowded corridor. 揕et抯
escape this cattle stampede,?she said, pointing toward an open janitorial
supply room. They ducked inside, and Sandi flipped on the light.
Quinn pushed the door shut to block out the stomping feet and shouting outside, then found and flipped the deadbolt knob. 揥hew! It抯 as bad as Cashman抯 Labor Day Sale out there!?o:p>
揃ut hardly as much fun,?said Sandi. She slipped off her backpack and dropped it on the floor by a wall, then knelt down and unzipped it. 揑 got something special from Mo-om!?she added in a singsong voice. 揓ust enough to see us through our busy day!?o:p>
揙h, cool! Thanks!?Quinn took off her backpack as well, setting it by the door. 揝tacy told me Tiffany was in the hospital. What is up with that??o:p>
Sandi snorted as she pulled out her overstuffed wallet and unzipped it, flipping it open to her makeup mirror. 揥ell, it seems that our dear Tiffany managed to find the only germ-filled diet food in her parents?refrigerator, and that抯 about all I know梕xcept of course she was raving on and on when she called me that she抯 on the verge of getting fat, and she had the marvelously bad taste to mention how bloated out like a water buffalo I got when I was bedridden with my broken leg. If she didn抰 have such an instinct for color, I抎 boot her size-two butt out of the club.?o:p>
揥e should go see her anyway, you know??Quinn pulled a handkerchief from a pants pocket and blew her nose, then stuffed it partway back in the pocket, ready for instant use. 揗aybe tonight, Fashion Club solidarity and all that??o:p>
Sandi sighed, pulling the mirror out of her wallet and putting the wallet back in her backpack. She stood, holding up the mirror to check her appearance. 揙h, fine, why not. We抣l take my car. I抦 tempted to take pictures of her in one of those wretched hospital gowns and give them to the yearbook staff. It would serve her right for throwing up in my bathroom last Wednesday during our club meeting.?o:p>
Quinn burst into wild laughter. 揧ou can抰 be serious!?she said. 揙hmigod, she would die!?o:p>
揑抦 teasing, of course, but it is tempting.?Sandi set the mirror face-up on an open shelf next to a row of bottles of window cleaner. She reached down and took off her right shoe. 揟hat抯 not the only cockroach in my consomm? though. My psycho cousin is here, the one I told you about on Friday.?She stood, pulling up the padded insert in her shoe and pulling out a very small white plastic bag. She dropped her shoe on the floor. 揑抣l point him out. He抯 one of those weirdo attention-depreciation types. He got evicted from Leeville High last week for fighting, and he抯 this close to going back to juvenile court. The worst is that my moronic aunt and uncle want to get him into Lawndale because it抯 close to home, but if they did, that would be a bigger disaster than that Thirteen Mile Island nuclear whatever that Ms. Barch keeps on harping about.?o:p>
Quinn watched as Sandi held her breath and emptied a small pile of white powder from the bag onto the mirror. 揟hey can抰 really get him in this late in the school year, can they??o:p>
Sandi cut the white powder into four narrow lines with an index card from her backpack. She then folded up the little bag and put it back into her shoe, putting her shoe on again. 揙h, Aunt Kay talked Ms. Li into letting him come here on probation until the end of the semester, to see how he fits in, though it won抰 count for anything until he goes to summer school.?She reached down into her backpack again, into the pencil holder. 揑抦 really steamed. He抯 such an incredible jerkoid, you just wouldn抰 believe.?o:p>
揅an I do anything to help out??o:p>
Sandi sighed heavily. 揟hat抯 sweet, but no.?She straightened and handed a three-inch paper straw to Quinn. 揓ust avoid him. He抯 ill mannered, to say the least. If he annoys you in any way, tell me.?She shook her head in annoyance. 揥e抣l survive, I suppose.?o:p>
Quinn examined Sandi抯 face. 揑s anything else wrong??o:p>
揧eah, but it can wait. You first.?o:p>
揟hanks!?Quinn held her breath and stepped up to the shelf with the mirror. Carefully pushing one nostril shut, she inserted one end of the paper straw into her nose and placed the other end at the end of a line of white powder. Quickly, she sniffed in long and deep, inhaling the entire row. In three seconds more, she had switched nostrils and inhaled the other line. Sniffing and rubbing her nose, she stepped back, blinking madly. 揥ow! Oh, wow, that抯?i>wow!?o:p>
揑t抯 from Mom抯 desk at home. I took only a little. I don抰 know where she
gets it, but she gets the best.?Sandi repeated all of Quinn抯 gestures to
finish off the last two white lines. The two girls then stood back, faces
turned up to the ceiling as they breathed in through their noses. The
overpowering blasts roared through their heads and lungs and skin and veins, as
if their eyes and minds had opened into paradise and they were now more than
alive, newborn gods come down from Olympus.
揓esus, I love that rush,?Sandi moaned. She put her hands to the sides of her head, still looking up at the ceiling light. 揑 love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.?o:p>
Sandi lowered her face and smiled at Quinn. Quinn smiled back. A moment later,
they hugged each other in rapture.
揑 love you,?whispered Quinn.
揑 love you, too,?whispered Sandi. 揑 owe you so much. I thought I抎 never be thin again.?o:p>
揑 think you抳e paid me back now,?whispered Quinn. They giggled, hugged some
more, then kissed.
揑ck!?said Sandi abruptly, pulling away and wiping her mouth. 揟hy nose runneth over, girl.?o:p>
揥hoa, sorry!?Quinn pulled out her handkerchief and wiped her face. 揙h, well. I really hate to say this, but we抎 better clean up and go before someone tries to get in.?o:p>
Sandi was already at work on that. She wiped off and put away the wallet
mirror, then put her short paper straw in her mouth, chewed it up, and
swallowed it. Quinn did the same with her own straw, grimacing as she did.
Within moments, the girls had eliminated all trace of their activity from the
supply closet.
揟oo bad Ms. Li had to sell those drug-sniffing dogs,?Sandi said, zipping her backpack shut. 揑 thought those German shepherds were kinda butch.?o:p>
Quinn made a motion to undo the deadbolt. 揂re we off, or are we off??she
said, grinning.
揥ait,?said Sandi, staggering slightly. She put a hand to a wall to steady herself. 揇on抰 leave yet. I have to tell you something else.?o:p>
揃ad news??o:p>
Sandi nodded solemnly, sniffing back her own runny nose.
Quinn wiped her nose again. 揙kay, ready.?o:p>
Sandi coughed and looked away. 揑 did not want to梬hew!桰 didn抰 want to announce this in public, for reasons that will become clear, but when I was out last night, I saw your sister with a friend at Pizza King.?o:p>
揙h, that抯 nothing. She goes out with Jane all the time.?o:p>
Sandi looked up at Quinn, shaking her head. 揝he wasn抰 with her. She was with an older guy, dark hair, kinda tall and thin, with blue tattoos on his arms. They looked quite animated with each other, in my humble opinion. They weren抰 eating much of their pizza, anyway. Daria was looking at this guy like, you know, he really meant something.?o:p>
Quinn blinked. 揙h,?she said, frowning. 揟hat sounds like . . . oh.?o:p>
揧ou know him??o:p>
揧eah, I think. Black hair, kinda messy? Silver earrings and a black goatee? Sloppy clothes??o:p>
揟hat抯 him.?o:p>
Quinn put a hand over her face and leaned back against the supply-room door. 揙h, crap. That抯 wonderful. That抯 just peachy-pie perfect.?o:p>
揥hat??o:p>
揟hat抯 Jane抯 older brother, Trent. I thought there was something going on, I just knew that something棓 She dropped her hand. 揝he used to have a thing for him, but I thought she got over that, like, a year and a half ago. She抯棓 Quinn stamped her foot in rage 摋damn it! I can抰 believe she抎 do that! What is it with her??o:p>
揥asn抰 she going with that rich slacker kid from the Sloane family, Tim or
Tom棓
揧es, she still is!?Quinn snapped. 揙h, crap, I抦 sorry, Sandi, I didn抰 mean to do that. It抯 just桰 can抰 believe her! This is so embarrassing!?o:p>
Sandi shrugged, unconcerned. 揘o offense taken. Bearing bad tidings is one of my duties as club president.?She wiped her nose on a tissue. 揑 thought you should know ahead of time in case it got out.?o:p>
Quinn shrugged, too. 揙h, well, what can you do. Thanks, Sandi. I appreciate it.?o:p>
Sandi nodded. 揥hen life sucks, it sucks.?o:p>
Quinn nodded, too, eyeing her best friend. She made a decision. 揑 have some news, too,?she said in a whisper. 揋ood news, though, I hope.?o:p>
揥hat??o:p>
揑抦 going to ask Skylar if he抣l go steady with me.?o:p>
Sandi抯 eyes widened. 揔uh-winn!?she said in delight. She reached in and hugged Quinn a second time. 揟hat抯 wonderful! Tell me all the details at lunch!?she said into Quinn抯 ear. She suddenly gasped. 揙h! Did he get you these earrings??o:p>
揧eah!?o:p>
換uinn, you are truly the loved and favored one. That is for sure. But we抎
better go!?They gave each other an extra squeeze, then grabbed their
backpacks, unlocked the supply-room door, and ran out for French class. They
made it in the door three seconds before the second bell, just like always.
Chapter Seven
揙kay,?said Jane, pointing a ketchup-dipped French fry at Daria, 揺xplain to me about this transference thing again. I think I got the idea in class, but the way Ms. Barch was raving on about traitorous husbands chasing nubile belly-dancers, I sorta lost the thread of the discussion.?o:p>
揗mm.?Daria swallowed the last of her hamburger and thought about it. The high-school cafeteria wasn抰 very noisy at the moment, allowing for normal conversation. 揙kay,?she said slowly, looking over Jane抯 head as if reading from a hovering book. 揟ransference is when you think you see things in someone, personality traits or attitudes or whatever, that are actually traits and attitudes belonging to someone else in your life, someone in the past who was important to you, like your parents.?o:p>
Daria took a drink of milk, then put the carton aside. 揟he trick is, you aren抰 aware, consciously, that you抮e reacting to all the old issues you had with your parents or whatever. All you know is that this person you抳e met draws a certain response from you, but you don抰 right away make a conscious connection with anything that went on in your past. You抮e working through old issues, but you don抰 know it. That抯 sort of what transference is, but I抦 not sure I抦 saying it right.?o:p>
揝ort of like Ms. Barch, maybe,?Jane said, chewing on another fry. 揝he looks
at a guy, like Mack, and you and I and everyone else on the planet, we all know
Mack is an all-right guy, but棓
揑 think you抳e got it.?o:p>
摋when Ms. Barch sees Mack, she抯 kind of like subconsciously thinking of her husband who ran around on her and dumped her, 慶ause they抮e both guys, so she reacts to Mack in the way she reacted to her husband, being really pissed off at him and maybe getting into the same sorts of messes with him, and with every other guy, that she had with her husband. She thinks Mack抯 doing to her what her ex did, only she doesn抰 know it抯 her subconscious making her do it.?o:p>
揧eah. Usually it抯 all about the parents, like we react to certain people in a way that抯 like we抮e trying to work out old problems we had with our parents, but sometimes it抯 a spouse or friend or whatever. Counselors use transference when they do therapy, getting the client to react to the counselor just like the client reacted to someone big in the past, and the counselor gets the client to see this and work out all the old junk consciously, if he can do that. Something like that.?o:p>
Jane played with a fry, drawing something on her plate with the ketchup. Daria
looked down and saw that she was making a portrait. After a few more seconds,
it became clear that it was the Mona Lisa.
揕eonardo would be proud of you,?Daria said.
揑 never liked the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,?said Jane, finishing the picture. 揟hey didn抰 have a girl turtle.?o:p>
揑 meant Leonardo de Caprio,?said Daria. 揔eep up with me.?Her budding smile
faded as she watched Jane work. 揑 wonder sometimes if what抯 going on between
Tom and me is being screwed up by transference. I want him to notice me as I
really am and treat me well, like I always wished my dad would do but never
does, and maybe Tom reacts to me like he does to his mom梛ust someone who抯
there in the background, caring for his needs and棓 Daria stopped and reddened.
She hoped Jane would miss the reference to 搉eeds.?That would open up an ugly
can of worms.
揥e talked about transference when I was at that art colony in Ashfield last summer,?said Jane. She put a handlebar mustache on the Mona Lisa and ate her fry. 揑 didn抰 get it at the time, but I think I do now. There was this pseudo-big-name artist, Daniel Dotson, who had an ego larger than Asia but not quite as interesting, and he talked about artists transferring . . . how did he say that? He talked about artists using transference to put their reactions to the world at large on a canvas, or in a sculpture, or whatever. If something makes you want to scream, you paint it梑ut, like what you said, you don抰 think about it while you抮e painting it, you know? You just free your mind and paint. Dotson did this minimalist sculpture he called 慞aper Plate Massacre,?and he said it was his transference or something桰 forget how he said it, but anyway it was his unconscious reaction to the genocide in Cambodia. Me, I just thought it was a bunch of paper plates stuck on big sticks. Shows you how much I really know about art.?o:p>
Daria chose to ignore the last comment. 揑f he抎 called it 慒lying Saucer Massacre,?it might have made more sense.?o:p>
揧eah, but then it wouldn抰 be art, you know. It can抰 be art if it makes sense.?o:p>
揝o, did you try using transference when you painted??o:p>
揂t camp? Mmm, I tried, but every time I painted whatever came to mind, I painted people getting tortured or squashed or torn apart. I don抰 remember my parents doing that to me, offhand.?o:p>
揧our mom made you join the Girl Scouts.?o:p>
揧eah, that抯 right. I bet that was it. You saved me ten years of psychiatrist bills.?o:p>
Daria looked up, but Jane was smiling at her. Daria smiled back in relief. It
had occurred to her only moments earlier that the source of Jane抯 dark
paintings last summer might have had to do with Daria herself梥pecifically,
Jane抯 feelings of betrayal when Daria kissed Jane抯 then-boyfriend, Tom, and
nearly destroyed their friendship. Jane had gone off to camp and somehow gotten
over it, later encouraging Daria and Tom to date.
However, given the state of affairs between Daria and Tom at the moment, Jane抯
change of heart sometimes looked to Daria more like the first stage of a
long-range revenge plot. You want my cheating boyfriend? Sure, here he is.
I抣l even stick around and be friends with you, because I want to watch the
fireworks when you get what he gave me. You earned it. Those explosions sure
hurt, don抰 they?
Daria shook it off. Jane wasn抰 that sort.
She hoped.
揥hat抯 up, amiga??asked Jane, looking at Daria with curiosity.
揙h, nothing. Just . . a lot on my mind.?o:p>
Jane nodded and picked up the last of her French fries. 揧ou remember Alison, that girl I told you about from art camp??o:p>
Daria looked up from scraping up her applesauce. 揂lison? The one who tried to hook up with you??o:p>
揗mm-hmm.?Jane toyed with the fry, rolling it over in her long, thin fingers. 揝he wrote to me a couple months ago. Must have gotten my address from Mom or her friend, the camp director. I didn抰 give it out.?o:p>
揥hat抎 she say??Daria cleared her throat. 揕ooking for a pen pal??o:p>
Jane shook her head slowly, still focused on the fry.
Daria felt a sense of dread. 揟rying to hook up again??o:p>
揘ah,?said Jane softly.
After a suitable pause, Daria began to think of another subject. Jane didn抰 seem to want to?o:p>
揝he wrote to tell me,?said Jane slowly, 搕hat she was sorry for what she did.?o:p>
揊or trying to get into your pants??o:p>
Jane抯 mouth twitched. 揥ell, for being my friend, using the friendship to try to get into my pants, then running around and whoring herself for her career afterward, like the whole idea of getting together with me didn抰 matter to her at all. She just wanted to get laid, I was there, and that was it. Like I didn抰 matter.?o:p>
揙h.?Daria swallowed. 揥ell, at least she said she was sorry.?o:p>
揧eah,?said Jane. She took a deep breath, then let it out as she sniffed her fry. 揝he was sort of trying to make amends for everything. Cleaning up her life. Tying up loose ends.?o:p>
揟hat抯 good, I guess.?o:p>
揝he抯 HIV positive.?o:p>
Daria stopped in the middle of a reply, eyes locked on Jane.
揝he got her results right before she wrote,?Jane went on. 揙ne of her one-night-stands called her and said he抎 tested positive, and she抎 better go get tested, too, so she did, and there it was. She抯 not feeling very well now, kind of like she抯 got the flu梥wollen glands, worn out, no energy, that kind of thing. Just like Ms. Barch said really happens, she抯 got it. She picked it up sometime last year, if the guy who called her was the one who gave it to her. It was incubating in her when she got to camp.?o:p>
Daria felt the blood drain from her face. 揙h, God.?o:p>
揧up,?said Jane, looking at her fry. 揑 just missed it. Well, sort of. I don抰 think women catch it so much from women, really, so maybe I wasn抰 that much at risk if I had spent the night with her, but still, you never know.?o:p>
揥hat棓 Daria coughed. 揥hat did Alison want otherwise??o:p>
揊rom me? I think just forgiveness. She was really sorry, and she said she really liked me, and she asked if I would call her or write or visit sometime, anything at all. She doesn抰 have any friends now. Everyone抯 abandoned her, and she抯 living in an apartment by herself with no job, no friends, nothing, draining off her college fund. She doesn抰 paint anymore, just sits there or goes to the doctor or walks around wondering what it抯 going to be like to die.?o:p>
Neither of them said anything for half a minute.
Daria managed to get her mouth working again. 揥hat did you tell her??o:p>
Jane put the French fry in her mouth and chewed on it. 揘othing.?o:p>
揥hat??o:p>
揘othing. I tore up the letter and threw it out. I didn抰 keep the return address, either. I made myself forget it, and now I can抰 remember it for anything.?o:p>
Daria stared at Jane. Words failed her.
揝he used me,?said Jane, looking down at Daria抯 plate. Her jaw tightened and her blue eyes glittered. 揝he was my friend, but then she took advantage of me, like I didn抰 mean anything to her, like she didn抰 care how much I hurt as long as she got what she wanted. She and I could have been great friends, maybe even best friends, because she was smart and funny and I thought she really understood me. I thought she liked me, but she didn抰 care. She didn抰 care about me as much as she cared about her. The one time in my life when I needed her most, when I was at the bottom and I thought things couldn抰 get any worse, she thought only of herself, and she threw everything we had away. Just threw the whole freaking thing away on a whim. Just like that.?o:p>
The silence drew out.
揑 hope she rots,?Jane said, her voice low. After a moment, she looked up at Daria抯 white face and pointed to the French fries on her plate. 揌ey, you gonna eat those, amiga??o:p>
Chapter Eight
Stacy Rowe wandered late into the brightly lit Lawndale High School cafeteria,
having returned from a critical errand. She wore her favorite blue-jean jacket
and skirt with an egg-white blouse and stylish sneakers not meant for actual
athletics. Her damp hair was back to its normal brown color, the red tint gone.
As she came in, she looked around for Sandi and Quinn, as they were supposed to
discuss a visit to Tiffany in the local hospital that evening, but she saw no
trace of either. She was late, so it figured.
Her shoulders slumped. Stacy was depressed, for reasons she didn抰 want to
face, but it wasn抰 worth crying about at this point. She got into the lunch
line, picked up a tray, and happened to turn around for a last scan of the
cafeteria just as Quinn and Skylar came through the doors at the far end.
Stacy stood stock-still, her gaze taking in the new couple, her visual universe
narrowing down to their joined hands. That simple bond said all that needed to
be said.
In that moment, Stacy felt a terrible emptiness where her heart had been, as
hollow as a cheap doll. She wondered idly if this was what it felt like to be
dead.
Quinn and Skylar dropped hands after a few moments to avoid gaining the notice
of teachers alert for PDAs, but they continued walking together梩oward Stacy.
Quinn saw her, smiled, and waved.
And Stacy, who loved Quinn more than she loved her own life, forced a smile,
raised a hand, and waved back.
*
What passed through the heart of Lancelot in that moment when he first set eyes
on Guinevere? Was it joy, pain, or the two entwined? Did he know then that his
life had changed, that both paradise and nightmare lay ahead, waiting only for
him to act upon his forbidden love?
Stacy Rowe, she of the pigtails and low self-esteem, hyperventilation and
endless worry over what others thought of her, knew a fair amount of Arthurian
legend. She read piles of it before age twelve, when her mind was suddenly
taken over by alien forces. The lively girl in pigtails梠nce the tomboy terror
who climbed trees, caught frogs, and raced her bike with neighborhood boys梩hen
doubted everything about herself, everything she was. The fearless explorer who
dreamed of becoming a knight turned twelve and attached herself to Sandi
Griffin抯 Fashion Club, allowing herself to be abused at every turn in the hope
that she would be popular and normal, whatever any cost. She emptied her
bedroom of her Arthurian storybooks but梒uriously unwilling to throw them out,
sell them, or give them away梙id them in her parents?attic in cardboard boxes
and forgot them.
Yet there was something missing from this crazy hunt for the Questing Beast of
Popularity and Normality. It wasn抰 a new set of clothing, a different pair of
earrings, or another pair of shoes. Stacy could not name the missing thing, she
did not even know what it looked like, but she knew it wasn抰 there.
It remained missing until that September morning in her freshman year of high
school when a blue Lexus stopped in front of Lawndale High School. A beautiful
teenage girl with long orange-peel hair stepped out of the car and walked
toward her, and Stacy Rowe felt both her heart and the world stop. The image of
the girl with the orange-peel hair was burned into her mind forever.
Guinevere, said a forgotten voice inside her mind. Driven by sudden
impulse, Stacy seized the moment as she had not done in years.
Hi! she cried. You抮e cool! What抯 your name?
Quinn Morgendorffer, said the new girl with a brilliant smile.
And thus the missing piece in Stacy抯 world was found. She did not come to love
Quinn right away, but the bright spark was there, as it surely had been for
Lancelot, and after a certain length of time Stacy抯 mind smoldered, and slowly
it began to burn.
She suppressed her feelings for as long as she could. Stacy was not a complete
fool, and she knew the consequences of voicing her desires were unspeakable
disaster. The most feared parts of her personality she could hide behind a
sweet and disarming incompetence, but certain pressures grew worse no matter
what she did. She tried sublimating her feelings, attaching herself to Quinn
(she told herself) because Quinn had the best advice, the friendliest manner,
the best eye for color. For a long time, she thought if she made herself more
like Quinn, she might become as popular as Quinn (and cause Quinn to love her
back), though it was Quinn抯 easy confidence in herself that Stacy admired
most. The harder she tried to imitate Quinn, however, the more it drove others
away from her, including Quinn herself. Stacy eventually caught on and stopped.
Almost.
Yet, as time moved on, Stacy grew. If you love a thing strongly and deeply
enough, you will become like it yourself. Stacy became less needy and clingy,
more sure of her own mind, and more secure in her opinions. There were slip-ups
and slide-backs, embarrassments and crying jags in the school restroom, but
over time she advanced, trusted herself more than she trusted Sandi Griffin抯
criticisms or the careless advice of others. She took chances, surprised
everyone with her role in a magic show, and began to say what she really
thought, even when it wasn抰 necessarily safe to say it.
Her biggest step was to accept what she was. She could not bring herself to
label it, but she learned to live with it and make it a part of her. On a rainy
afternoon one day, she went up into the attic and opened one of the boxes
there, took out a book, and flipped through it until she found a picture of a
knight on horseback killing a dragon and saving a maiden. That抯 me, she
thought. That抯 who I am. She closed the book and put it away, but she
came back another day, and on the third visit she took a few of the books and
put them under her bed again.
She was becoming complete, though for the sake of a trouble-free life that
allowed her to remain in the company of her beloved, she had to make
adjustments. She went on a few dates with boys, though they were of no interest
except for a couple whose idea of a date was to challenge her at videogames,
which she halfway liked. It happened that she came to like one boy in particular,
Ted DeWitt-Clinton, because he taught her a good bit of martial arts. Ted was
hopelessly naive with girls, but he was one hell of a teacher. Stacy dated him
more often than anyone else because they spent all their time testing new judo
throws and hand grips on the mat in his basement. He never once tried to kiss
her. She liked him a lot for that, and they stayed good friends. If other
people read more into the relationship than that, Stacy was content not to
correct them.
Her world was stable, though her heart bled. She was not threatened by Quinn抯
dating, because she knew Quinn would not settle for any one guy and was,
technically speaking, free for the taking. Stacy contented herself with
touching her beloved only in occasional hugs or when fixing her hair during
their periodic weekend makeover parties. In time, Quinn even privately allowed
Stacy to massage her neck and shoulders, aching and weary from carrying around
an overstuffed backpack. Stacy抯 hands were flexible and strong from working
out with Ted梑ut her hands never strayed to forbidden places when Quinn took
off her blouse and bra, sat backwards on a chair, and happily let Stacy work on
her back. It was the closest thing to ecstasy that Stacy knew.
This stable world suffered a mild earthquake early that Monday morning when
Stacy saw Quinn抯 new earrings and sensed something different in Quinn抯
manner. It was when Quinn blushed when she mentioned Skylar抯 name, however,
that Stacy knew something big was in the wind. She forced herself to ignore her
fears and carried on a lively conversation until Quinn noticed the change in
Stacy抯 hair color. Hypersensitive Stacy could tell that Quinn did not approve,
but Quinn said she liked it anyway.
Stacy knew right then that she had been stupid. She was backsliding, trying to make herself physically like her beloved, and that was not going to work. Stacy fled in tears to the bathroom, grateful that Quinn had not chewed her out then and there for her gaffe. The coloring hadn抰 really suited her appearance anyway. Stacy later faked sick in Mrs. Bennett抯 Economics class, and she drove home, fixed her hair color, and梙air still damp and back in pigtails梥he came back for lunch?o:p>
梛ust in time to see Quinn and Skylar holding hands, which Quinn rarely did in
public and certainly never at school, risking a reprimand or detention. Until
now, no boy had been worth that. For a few seconds, there it was: a public
display of affection that could not be missed.
Stacy did not miss it. It gutted her and left her in a living death, but she
was a knight, and even a dying knight never falls before her beloved.
*
The Lawndale High cafeteria was of average size for a large school. From where
Stacy stood at the end of the lunch line, it was about one hundred feet to the
double doors at the end of the aisle. Quinn and Skylar came through the doors
and started up the aisle past the rows of white tables and student diners,
seemingly oblivious to the gaze of hundreds of students who gasped and
whispered. A comet would not elicit half as much excitement from a nation of
astrologers as the sight of Quinn and Skylar did among the student body of
Lawndale High, who saw for themselves that the most popular girl and boy around
were now a couple. The bright sun came through the windows as if casting its
blessing over the event.
Her hand raised, waving, Stacy watched the sun-blessed couple approach and
desperately tried to think of something innocuous to say.
She watched as a friend in another aisle hailed Skylar. He leaned close to
Quinn and whispered in her ear, and she nodded and said, 揙kay.?Skylar touched
her on the small of her back, then left and made his way between tables to see
what his friend wanted. Quinn continued up the aisle. She was now sixty-five
feet from Stacy. Her gold earrings were plainly visible and gleamed in the
sunlight.
What would happen if I told you I loved you? Stacy thought, still waving at Quinn. She knew she was going to cry, and that would be the worst thing that could happen. What would you do? Would you laugh, or scream, or curse me, or say you loved me, too? What would?o:p>
A slight motion at a table forty feet from Stacy caught her attention. A boy
with long black hair, black t-shirt, and black pants had scooted his chair
around to allow him to get up quickly. His back was to Stacy. He was watching
Quinn like everyone else, but something about him was different and in an
instant, Stacy recognized him. It was Sandi抯 cousin, Alex, the bad one she had
warned Stacy to avoid. He was leering at Quinn, and he said to the other guys
at his table, 揥atch this!?in a voice Stacy heard clearly even through
the rise in cafeteria chatter.
Stacy抯 hand stopped waving and fell. On impulse, she took a step toward Quinn,
still holding her empty lunch tray.
Alex stood up, blocking Quinn抯 path up the aisle. Startled, Quinn stopped a
few feet in front of him and tried to go around.
Danger, cried every alarm in Stacy抯 head. She picked up speed, moving
quickly now, the tray swinging in her hand.
揌ey, you抮e a fine-lookin?fashion ho??said Alex, sidestepping to keep Quinn
in front of him. He grinned and gripped his crotch with one hand. 揧ou wanna
hot dog today? How抎 you like to wrap those pink lips around棓
Stacy抯 tray came up like an axe in her right hand, then lashed around in a
roundhouse swing, turned flat on its side like a Frisbee. The tray抯 edge slammed
into the back of Alex Griffin抯 head, the blow flinging him sideways to land on
his back spread over four trays of food and milk on a lunch table. Panicked
students scrambled to get away. Stacy was on Alex in an instant, a winged Fury
with lightning hands that bitch-slapped him one-two-three even as he
fell off the table to the floor. She sat down hard on him, her knee crushing
his chest, then jerked his head from the ground by his hair and slapped him in
the face again and again and again, feeling her hand catch fire as a riot of
screams and shouts raged around her.
Powerful hands seized her arms and dragged her away, though she kicked and
fought back. Some of his hair stayed in her left hand. Alex抯 head fell and
struck the floor with a loud thump. He moaned and clutched his face. No one
moved to help him.
?i>Stacy!?She turned her head to see who spoke, still trying to kick her
way free to get to Alex again.
?i>Stacy, stop it!?Quinn shouted in her face. ?i>Stop it! Stop it now!?o:p>
Shocked, Stacy stopped struggling, her breath roaring in and out of her. She
slowly relaxed and stared red-faced at Quinn, who stared back in sheer
amazement. The four football players holding Stacy抯 arms and legs did not let
go until someone helped Alex Griffin to his feet and moved him farther away.
What have I done? Stacy thought through the haze in her head. She felt
dizzy and leaned back against a lunchroom table, watched closely by nervous
jocks. The look on Quinn抯 face stole away any small joy she might have taken
in her victory over Alex. Quinn gave Stacy a final open-mouthed look, then
turned and walked away with Skylar, who was at her side. She did not look back.
What have I done? Dear God, what have I done?
Ms. Barch, Lawndale抯 muscular, man-hating science teacher, shoved her way through the crowd. 揟hat抯 enough of that!?she snapped. 揃oth of you pit fighters, come to the office with me!?She pointed at Stacy and Alex, then at two of the guys nearest to Stacy. 揂nd I want you testosterone-charged drones to help Mister Griffin down the hall, and then you can go back to your lunch. Come on!?o:p>
Stacy followed dumbly. Her hand ached, but that was not her real pain.
Guinevere is gone, and I am undone. There was no possible way Quinn
could have missed the meaning of what had happened. No one could have missed
it. The world knew what she was now. Her head still spinning, Stacy stayed with
Ms. Barch, who kept her close at her side while the two male students struggled
to keep the dazed Alex moving ahead of them.
I have lost my beloved, thought Stacy. I am disgraced before the
entire school, and I will be expelled for fighting梞e! Stacy Rowe the mouse!
Expelled for fighting! But nothing matters because I have lost my beloved. I am
damned and alone, forever. She lowered her head and closed her eyes. She
was very close to crying, but she fought it back as best she could. A knight
should not cry in defeat.
After a moment, though, she took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Was it
worth it? She swallowed, then nodded. Yes, it was worth it. My beloved
is safe. She will not be harmed. That was worth my destruction. I am nothing
now, but I would do it again if I had to for you, Quinn.
She raised her head. They had reached the office, and someone had opened the
door for them. She waited until Alex had been led in, then she followed Ms.
Barch through the doorway. Principal Li was there to meet them, livid with
anger.
It was worth it, thought Stacy Rowe. She straightened her shoulders. I
love you, Quinn. She put a hand on the office door and carefully pulled it
shut behind her.
Chapter Nine
The last bell rang at Lawndale High. A subdued rumble filled the corridors as
students prepared to leave.
揋ot an opening in your schedule for some 慡ick, Sad World??Daria asked her
companion as they walked past Mr. O扤eill. He smiled benignly at his departing
class in a way that reminded Daria of Humpty Dumpty, from Tenniel抯
illustrations in Through the Looking Glass.
揘ah, not today,?said Jane. 揑抦 going home with Ms. Defoe. She wants to show me what she抯 got in mind with this crafts shop she抯 starting this summer. It might work out if she branches out into handmade jewelry. She can do a little goldsmithing, and she抯 pretty good with copper wire.?o:p>
The hallway was noisy but didn抰 hamper conversation. 揑s she going to keep
teaching??asked Daria.
揑 think that抯 where I come in. If I can handle the shop weekdays, she can run it afternoons and weekends. We might need a third person to handle the counter if I start making a lot of garden gnomes, though.?o:p>
They stopped at Jane抯 locker first. Daria felt a sadness creep over her as
Jane spun her combination dial. 揓ane . . . I really wish you抎 think again
about college. I wish you抎 think again about your artwork, too. I don抰 mean
to be棓
揕et it go, Daria,?said Jane, without looking up from her spins of the dial.
Daria closed her mouth and looked down. Jane opened her locker and began emptying her backpack into it. Unwilling to let things rest on a low note, Daria tried a different topic. 換uite a day, wasn抰 it? Tiffany poisons herself, the Fashion Club runs riot in the lunchroom, Ms. Li runs a raffle that will actually help the school梐ssuming she doesn抰 use the money to put up guard towers around the campus梐nd some kind of mess breaks out in P.E. and all the cheerleaders are threatening to quit over it, whatever that was. That must have been good. Oh, and Quinn gets a steady boyfriend.?o:p>
揟hat last one threw me, too.?Jane shut her locker. 揑抎 start looking for the Four Horsemen about now. You didn抰 see that coming??o:p>
揘o. She went out with Skylar last night, after not seeing him for a year or two, and bam, there it was. She wouldn抰 talk about it with me this morning. Maybe she was making up her mind.?o:p>
揑抣l walk you to your locker before I see Ms. Defoe.?o:p>
揟hanks.?They set off together. Daria was aware of how good it felt to have Jane at her side, but how terrible it would be when Jane was gone. 揇o you mind if I call you during work hours, when I抦 at Bromwell??o:p>
揅all away. We might get an eight-hundred number, so you can call for free.?o:p>
揟hat would be great.?o:p>
揧eah. I have a feeling the shop isn抰 going to be overrun with business. Concrete garden sculptures don抰 have a wide audience.?Jane cleared her throat. 揇aria, I gotta ask you something. What梠h, maybe we should save this for another time.?o:p>
揥hat??o:p>
揢m, it抯 about Trent.?o:p>
揙h.?Daria looked around. The halls were emptying quickly. 揑t doesn抰 matter, I guess. Just ask.?o:p>
揥hy??o:p>
No one was nearby. 揥hy抎 I want to see Trent when I was seeing Tom??o:p>
Jane nodded.
They reached Daria抯 locker. She turned her combination dial slowly. 揑 always thought he was cool. I don抰 know why. I抳e thought about it for ages, why I thought it clicked between us, but I can抰 explain it. It just happened.?She opened her locker but turned to Jane. 揗y head took over for a long time, after he sort of stood me up on that music project last year, and I just gave up. I knew it wasn抰 going to work. I knew it intellectually, but I guess in a way I never gave up on it.?She swallowed. 揥hen things went bad with Tom after our trip to Bromwell, I dunno, I just started . . . thinking about Trent again.?She shrugged. 揑 can抰 explain it. It was stupid.?o:p>
Daria took off her backpack and began putting books from it into her locker. 揑 know it wouldn抰 have worked out, but a little part of me wishes it had.?o:p>
揝o you could stay here in Lawndale with me??asked Jane.
Daria stopped what she was doing, hovering over her backpack in the middle of
pulling out more books. After a moment, she straightened and tossed her books
into her locker, then bent down and wiped her eyes with her fingers.
揑抦 sorry,?said Jane. She reached in her pocket for another tissue, handing
it to Daria.
揑t抯 okay,?Daria said, blowing her nose. 揟his has been a really crappy semester.?She stood up and stuffed the tissue in her jacket pocket. 揧ou know what抯 really funny? I got a makeover last Saturday. Can you believe that??o:p>
Jane tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. 揝ay what? The acoustics are bad
here. I thought棓
揑 went to Oakwood and got a makeover at this salon Quinn likes. It棓 She forced a laugh. 揑 looked horrible. I could have been a hooker on crack in a really bad movie. And you know what kills me? I did it for Trent. I抦 hopeless. This was worse than that time I got the navel ring, remember??o:p>
Jane抯 look of surprise softened. 揟he things we do for love.?o:p>
揧eah.?Daria shut her locker and spun the dial.
Jane snorted softly and smiled. 揑f you want, I can talk to Trent and tell him what a deal he抯 missing out on.?o:p>
揙h棓
揧ou could take care of the house, Trent could sleep all day, and I can work at the crafts shop and bring in the paycheck. It could work.?o:p>
Daria knew Jane抯 grin was a teasing one. She gave a weak grin back. 揑 could take money from high-school students who want me to write their papers for them.?o:p>
揂nd we could be call girls after six and have all the sex we want, plus get paid for it.?o:p>
Daria nodded, but then she looked down and her smile faded. 揑 don抰 think I would be very popular.?o:p>
Jane laughed. 揙h, I don抰 know. Tom said that you棓
And she stopped, frozen in the middle of her laugh.
Time ceased to exist inside Daria抯 head as Jane抯 words registered. A million
years went by in the seconds that followed.
Daria looked up, her face empty. She was aware of a ringing in her ears. 揟om
said what about me??she asked.
And then it hit her. Daria抯 face went slack. She stepped back, her mouth open.
Jane抯 mouth closed, her laugh gone. She watched Daria with eyes of blue stone.
揟om,?said Daria. She took another step back. She raised a finger and pointed at Jane. 揧ou抮e seeing Tom,?she said. It was a statement of fact. She searched Jane抯 face, saw it tighten, saw her swallow. 揌e told you . . . he told you everything about . . .?o:p>
Neither of them moved for several seconds.
Jane抯 lips parted.
揌ow does it feel, amiga??she whispered, her voice hoarse. 揌ow does it feel??o:p>
Daria took another step back, eyes widening. She appeared to be looking into a
living nightmare.
A moment later, she turned and ran.
Jane watched Daria disappear down the long corridor and flee out a side door at
the end. Jane then looked down and noticed that Daria had left her backpack
behind.
With a sigh, Jane reached over and turned the locker dial, entering Daria抯 combination.
She opened the locker, put Daria抯 backpack inside, and carefully shut it.
She then looked down the long, empty corridor. Her blue eyes glittered.
揈njoy Bromwell,?she whispered. She turned and walked away toward Ms. Defoe抯
classroom, her blue eyes seeing nothing.
Chapter Ten
揝hut the door for me, would you, Janet??Angela Li said from her chair at her
desk. Janet Barch, who was walking in, did so before taking a seat in a
comfortable chair on the side opposite Angela抯. The principal of Lawndale High
was looking through a large side drawer of her desk. Knowing Angela, Janet
figured she was looking for a drink. It was four-thirty and school was out, so
it didn抰 matter to Janet. Angela never drove when she drank, too. Janet
figured Angela would sleep on a cot in her office as she often did, showering
in the girls?locker room early the next morning and changing into one of the
spare outfits she kept in her office closet. God knew what Angela did here at night.
Janet certainly didn抰 want to find out.
Angela pulled out a bottle of Irish whisky and set it on her desk next to two
small shot glasses. The bottle was half empty. She left the desk drawer open.
揘othing for me, thanks,?said Janet. 揋ot papers to grade tonight.?o:p>
Angela refrained from comment. She already knew that Janet was going to Tim
O扤eill抯 apartment this evening. He was cooking dinner for her, and then she抎
cook for him梥o to speak. Angel knew far more than she wanted to know about
fraternization among the faculty, thanks to the monitoring system on internal
e-mails through the school抯 computer. She poured herself a shot of whisky and
capped the bottle, setting it back in the drawer.
揧ou wanted to see me about that black-dressed hooligan, the Griffin boy??Janet prompted.
揟hat and a few other things,?said Angela. She settled back in her chair.
揟ony DeMartino had to leave school at two-thirty with some kind of flu bug,
and棓
揂lways the weaker sex, aren抰 they??Janet said, shaking her head.
摋and you抮e the secondary for the teachers?union. I need to talk to you about Ms. Morris.?o:p>
Janet sat still and bit her lower lip.
Angela picked up her shot glass and looked at the amber fluid. 揝he tried to seduce one of the cheerleaders this afternoon in the athletic supply room. Got a little physical with her, too. It was the smart blonde one, Angie.?Angela drained her shot glass and set it on a pile of papers on her desk with a thump. 揂ngie ran out into the gym, screaming for help, and the other cheerleaders took her out of school. Brittany called here at two-fifteen and said all of the cheerleaders were quitting the squad and transferring to another school unless we did something about Morris.?o:p>
Janet looked at her in shock. 揂ren抰 you supposed to say this was all 慳lleged??o:p>
Angela looked at her steadily and made no comment.
Janet groaned and rubbed her face. 揑s it at all possible that there was some
mistake, that棓 Her words faded as she watched Angela open another drawer in
her desk, pull out a black VHS tape, and stick it into a video machine on a
wheeled TV stand behind her.
揙kay, okay,?said Janet quickly, as Angela reached for the button to turn on the TV. 揟hat won抰 be necessary. We抮e not going to fight for her if this is like you said.?Knowing Li抯 resources, however, it would be like she had said. Janet glared at the floor. ?i>Damn her!?o:p>
揟here抯 more,?said Angela, turning away from the TV. 揟he cheerleaders have a lawyer. Brittany抯 father retained a guy named Horowitz, from the same firm as Helen Morgendorffer works.?o:p>
揌uh. I thought they only did corporate law.?o:p>
揌orowitz takes civil cases, too. The police came and went through Morris抯 things, but they didn抰 find anything worth taking except the original of this security-camera tape. Horowitz will probably subpoena a copy, too. I sent Beth Morris home on paid leave, but I抦 going to resolve this very quickly.?Angela leaned forward, hands clasped on her desktop. 揓anet, I抦 going to come down on her like napalm on a grass hut. It抯 not like I have any damn choice about it. We抮e going to be on the news tonight, and all day tomorrow, and the day after that and so on for weeks to come.?o:p>
揑 can imagine,?said Janet.
揋et ready for some changes,?said Angela. 揑抦 ordering another round of those damned teacher-student sensitivity classes over the summer and fall桰 have to call O扤eill about that tomorrow morning梐nd we抣l pull in a replacement P.E. teacher for the fall. We抣l use substitutes until then. We抣l have extra counselors working with Margaret Manson in the psych office for the cheerleaders and anyone else who wants them, starting tomorrow, and you can trust me that I抣l do anything else I can think of to placate Horowitz and the cheerleaders and their families and the newspapers and all of goddamn Lawndale and Carter County, or else the state will get involved, and then we抣l really have some fun.?o:p>
揑 got it, I got it,?said Janet glumly. 揑 can抰 believe she did that.?o:p>
揑t happens,?said Angela. She reached aside and picked up a handful of papers, shuffling through them. 揈nough of that. Damn crazy day. Now . . . Mister Griffin and Miss Rowe.?o:p>
揑 saw that happen!?Janet interrupted, eyes burning. 揟hat smart-aleck thug attacked Quinn Morgendorffer, and Stacy pulled him off her!?o:p>
揑抳e heard about fifty different versions of this story, but I抦 having trouble setting the security-camera film from the cafeteria to run. There抯 a glitch in the recording system, and the recording might be lost. I抣l call the security people tomorrow about it. Most of the witnesses agree that Mister Griffin stopped Miss Morgendorffer and made certain lewd remarks to her, but he hadn抰 actually attacked or harmed her.?o:p>
揟hat抯 not what I saw!?o:p>
揂nd other people say that, too, Janet, but you抮e in the one-third minority.
Miss Morgendorffer herself says she thought that boy was going to hurt her, but
he never touched her. It could still be assault, though, given the
circumstances and our zero-tolerance anti-bullying policy. The bad news is,
Miss Rowe抯 the only one we can definitely pin for assault. She抯 suspended for
three days, but she抯 looking at expulsion and starting the fall in Carter
County High with the other JDs.?She sighed. 揇amn shame, too. She really
nailed that rotten little bastard. Couldn抰 believe it was her that did it,
though, not in a million years. Such an innocent little angel.?She snorted.
揝he was protecting Quinn, Angela!?o:p>
Angela looked at Janet over the top of her eyeglasses. 揝he beat Alex Griffin until he couldn抰 remember his own name. At least there抯 no permanent damage. He got x-rayed at Cedars of Lawndale, had a nice concussion, but he抯 back in the county抯 hands. We won抰 see him again.?o:p>
揝o,?said Janet with disgust, 搃s that scumball抯 family going to sue us, too??o:p>
揟hey might, but he抯 already got a juvenile record longer than our cross-country path. More likely the Morgendorffers抣l sue 慹m, knowing that psycho, Helen. She抯 probably on the phone to Johnnie Cochran now, unless they can resolve any conflict of interest and get Horowitz to take it, too. Just pray she doesn抰 decide to sue us, too. She抯 got a mind like a rabid wolverine when it comes to this stuff.?o:p>
Janet leaned forward in her chair. 揂ngela,?she said, 搇isten to me. If you
don抰 expel Stacy Rowe, we could stay with the suspension and stick her with
some kind of public service duty in addition, maybe something school related.
If she goes into juvenile, she抯 gone. God knows what抣l happen to her then. I
can sponsor her for summer classes at Judy抯 Jujitsu downtown, where the
Women抯 Center is棓
揂nd teach her how to beat up other students more efficiently??o:p>
揘o, damn it, to teach her to use self-control! To teach her to subdue
opponents with less violence梪nless it抯 some macho hormone-crazed scuzzbucket
who deserves it, of course, but棓
揓anet, this isn抰 at all棓
揂nd she can try out for the Lawndale/Carter County all-women抯 martial-arts team, when it goes to state in November!?o:p>
Angela stared at Janet for several long seconds. 揊or the glory of Laaawndale High, of course.?o:p>
揙f course.?o:p>
Angela shook her head. 揑t抯 too much of a stretch. Besides, we don抰 even have a martial-arts group here at school, unless we changed the charter of the Debate Team.?o:p>
揥e could start one.?o:p>
揥e抎 need a new P.E. teacher for that, and we just lost ours, remember??o:p>
揂ngela!?Janet Barch was on the verge of getting down on her knees. 揝tacy was defending her friend! Please, I beg you, don抰 throw her away!?o:p>
Angela sighed and tossed aside the papers she held. 揂nd another thing. I want students from other schools to stop coming by here to see or pick up their friends. It抯 bogging down the office staff. Young man from Fielding Preparatory Academy came by this afternoon to see Daria Morgendorffer. Tom Sloane. I think he抯 the son of that investment broker, Angier Sloane, who lives at the end of Crewe Neck. I told him we didn抰 allow visitation during school hours, and Daria had just broken up with her boyfriend, too, so she probably wasn抰 in the mood to talk to anyone. He wouldn抰 buy any raffle tickets, either, so if he expected a favor, he didn抰 get it. If any of the teachers know of students coming by like this, pass the word on to me.?o:p>
揥ill do,?said Janet sourly.
揋ood,?said Angela. 揙n your way out, pick up that box of raffle tickets and pass them out to the other teachers tomorrow morning. I want to see a lot of school spirit from the union, if you get my drift.?o:p>
Janet stood up. 揚lease think about what I said about Stacy Rowe.?o:p>
揝ee you tomorrow,?said Angela, pouring herself another drink.
After Janet Barch was gone, Angela leaned back in her seat, sniffing her drink.
Maybe Janet had a point about Stacy Rowe. Margaret had a long file on the kid,
but it was all the usual teenager stuff, worries about everything. Stacy had
stopped going by Margaret抯 office in January, though. Maybe she was getting
her head together at last. Of course, today抯 incident was no help at all.
Angela opened a drawer and pulled out a penny, looking it over. 揌eads,?she
said, 揝tacy抯 expelled. Tails, she stays, and Janet gets her way.?She flipped
the coin and caught it, slapping it on the back of her free hand.
Heads.
Angela drained her glass and turned her chair to face her computer. She called
up the files she抎 need for Stacy抯 expulsion and prepared to start entering
her personal data.
The phone rang. Angela glanced at the caller ID, then snatched the handset up
before the recorded message took over.
揕aaawndale High School, Principal Li speaking,?she said with gusto. She smiled broadly. 揗issy, hello, hello! I抳e missed hearing from you. Calling about our next meeting of the Lawndale Asian Women抯 Nexus??She paused. The smile vanished from her face. 揥hat are you talking about??Another pause. 揝he was? Who??A pause. 揧es, I do know her,?she said. 揝he抯 a student here.?She reached for a notepad. 揥hat was the cause of death??She grabbed a pencil and made a series rapid shorthand notes across the pad. 揗y God. When did this happen??She added more notes. 揂re you at Cedars of Lawndale now? How did you find out about this??A pause. 揇oes her family know??A long pause. 揙kay. Thank you, Missy. I抦 coming right over. Yes, I抦 sorry, too. Bye.?o:p>
Angela Li hung up the phone and got up from her desk at once. She put her whisky away, then picked up the phone and punched in a number. 揕awndale Taxi??she said quickly. 揑 need a cab at Lawndale High School. I need to get to Cedars of Lawndale at once. Angela Li. I抣l be in front.?o:p>
She grabbed her purse, made sure her cell phone was charged and a copy of the
school phone directory was inside, and headed for the door. She stopped there,
looking back at the still-active computer and the expulsion-order file on the
monitor screen. Shaking her head, she left and locked the door behind her.
Chapter Eleven
At four o抍lock that afternoon, traffic in Lawndale was well on its way to its
rush-hour peak.
揋od, I still can抰 believe it,?said Sandi, wincing as sunlight flashed in her eyes from the windows of the cars in front of her. She took a hand from the steering wheel to press on her right temple. 揝tacy trashed Alex out, and I missed it. Damn. You抮e sure it was our Stacy and not a clone??o:p>
揑 know, I know, I couldn抰 believe it, either.?Quinn made a face, squinting at the cityscape through the windshield of Sandi抯 car. She sat hunched up in her seat in the foulest of moods. 揋od, what is wrong? I feel like crap. It抯 like all my energy抯 sucked out, and I can抰 get comfortable or anything. My skin feels like it抯 jumping or crawling or itching, and I抦 just so sick of it!?o:p>
揑抦 under the weather, too,?said Sandi. She glared at the traffic. 揗y head is freaking killing me. Hey, what is it with these people? Can抰 any of them drive? It抯 like some kind of freaking demolition derby out here! There, look! Look at that dude over there, talking on his cell phone!?Her voice rose to a shout. 揧ou抮e gonna cause an accident, you stupid butthead! Jeez, look at him!?o:p>
揘ot so loud, okay? I抦 really beat!?Quinn covered her mouth and yawned, then resumed her sulky look. 揗aybe going to see Tiffany right now isn抰 such a good idea, you know? I feel like I could go home and crash for a week.?o:p>
揥ell, I know what抣l get us going again,?said Sandi with assurance. 揑抣l give us a little pick-me-up when we get to the hospital parking lot.?o:p>
揙h, that would be sooo sweet. I could really use that. I抳e been like running down all afternoon.?o:p>
揧eah.?Sandi gritted her teeth against the pain in her head. 揕et抯 talk and take our minds off it. We抳e only got a few blocks left. You were going to tell me something about Skylar, so tell me.?o:p>
Quinn slumped back in her car seat. 揙h, boy. You抮e going to freak when you hear this! Are you ready? You won抰 believe it!?o:p>
揥hat, already? Just tell me!?o:p>
揑 am! You don抰 have to get all pissy about it!?o:p>
揓ust tell me!?o:p>
揥ell, I am! I was talking to Skylar after Stacy smacked Alex down棓
揙h, God, I wish I抎 seen that! I would抳e kicked the snot out of him, too! I抎 have kicked him right where it counts!?o:p>
揧eah, well, Stacy probably would抳e done it for you if the whole football team hadn抰 jumped on her first. There must have been eight guys holding her back. I抦 telling you, she was wild!?o:p>
揝he should get a promotion,?Sandi said with feeling. 揥e should make her sergeant-at-arms in the Fashion Club for this. Chief bodyguard, maybe. I mean it.?o:p>
揥hat? Sandi, she was fighting in school!?o:p>
揕ook, do you know what kind of crap I抳e had to put up with from Alex the last few years? He抯 the most obnoxious ass in the world! I抦 club president, and I can promote her if I want!?o:p>
Quinn threw her hands into the air. 揥hatever, okay? I抦 sorry! Whatever! Look, anyway, I was talking to Skylar afterward, and he told me that his half-brother in Swedesville is a narc.?o:p>
Sandi turned her head to stare at Quinn. ?i>What??o:p>
揝andi!?Quinn pointed at the windshield in panic. 揕ook out! Look out!?o:p>
Sandi looked and instantly swerved right, moments before a pickup truck went past in the oncoming lane to the left. 揑抦 driving just fine!?she shouted. 揧ou don抰 have to yell at me! I knew what was happening!?o:p>
揧ou almost hit that truck!?o:p>
揑 did not, damn it! Just tell me about Skylar and his narc brother!?o:p>
揇o you want me to drive??o:p>
揘o! Damn it, just tell me about the narc!?o:p>
揥ell, be careful, okay??o:p>
換uinn, stuff it and talk!?o:p>
揙kay! Skylar抯 half-brother in Swedesville is a narc! He mostly runs around looking for pot in cornfields and stuff, but he does a lot of narco work all over Carter County, and he comes to visit Skylar a lot. He抯 like twenty-six or something, from his mom抯 first marriage, and he抯 got like this big dog, and I don抰 know if it抯 a drug-sniffing dog or what, but when Skylar told me about this, I thought, hey, there is no freaking way that I am ever going to see this guy and let my purse or clothes or anything get around his dog, you know? I mean, we抳e got to be really careful about this! I knew this was going to happen and I said so, right??o:p>
換uinn, it抯 not like the end of the world, okay??o:p>
揝andi, I抦 telling you, I don抰 think I can keep on seeing Skylar if I抦 going
to run into his narc brother or half-brother or whatever! I mean, what if棓
Sandi groaned. 換uinn, yes, you can keep seeing him! Make him come and take you out, so you don抰 go over to his place! Or you can call ahead and just not go over there when his cousin抯 around.?o:p>
揌alf-brother.?br>
揥hatever!
Okay, listen梬e抣l cut back on how much we抮e doing, okay? I mean, we抣l do
some when we get to the hospital, but we抣l cut back and we won抰 do any of it
when you have to棓
揟hat抯 Daria!?Quinn lurched at her side window, pointing to a solitary figure in green and black walking along the sidewalk in the same direction they were heading. Quinn turned her head to keep the figure in sight for as long as possible. 揟hat is Daria! What the hell is she doing on this side of town? She should be home or over at Jane抯 house. Hey!?o:p>
揥hat??o:p>
揑 think she抯 crying!?o:p>
揇aria? No way!?o:p>
揧eah! Her face is like all red and everything, and she looks like she抯 crying. Her face is wet. I wonder what the hell happened.?o:p>
揙h, hell, what do you want me to do, drive around and find out what抯 going棓
揘o, no, forget it! I was just wondering what was up, that抯 all.?Quinn turned around in her seat. 揙h, I bet I know. I bet Tom found out she was seeing Trent or something, or Trent broke up with her, or whatever. I bet that抯 it.?o:p>
揝erves her right, if you ask me. That抯 the hospital ahead, over there.?o:p>
揥ell, she should抳e known better, you know?
揧eah, she should抳e.?Sandi massaged her forehead. 揗aybe they抳e got some aspirin or Tylenol or ibu-whatever at the hospital. Jeez, my head feels like it抯 going to split open.?o:p>
揗aybe Daria抯 going to the hospital, you know? Maybe something happened to Jane or something.?o:p>
揑 don抰 know, I don抰 care.?Sandi turned the wheel and entered the hospital
parking lot.
揅an you drop me at the entrance??Quinn muttered. 揑抦 just beat.?o:p>
揥hat? I thought you wanted a pick-me-up. What抯 wrong??o:p>
揑抦 beat, okay? I don抰 want anything right now. That thing about Skylar抯 narc brother sort of freaked me out. Let抯 just see Tiffany and get out of here. We can do some lines somewhere else on the way home, but not right now. I mean, what if there抯 a narc dog waiting inside there, you know??o:p>
揙h, get real, Quinn! There抯 not going to be棓
揥ell, it could happen! Just drop me at the entrance, all right??o:p>
Sandi rolled her eyes and sighed. 揧eah, whatever.?She steered toward the main non-emergency entrance to Cedars of Lawndale, stopped, and let Quinn get out. 揊ind out if they have a gift shop where they sell flowers, okay??Sandi shouted after her. 揂nd see if they have something for a headache!?o:p>
Quinn shut the car door and headed through the revolving door on wobbly legs.
She did not remember feeling this bad since Ms. Morris forced her P.E. class to
run a lap around the high school抯 outdoor track. What a sadist.
Several inquiries later, Quinn knew that the hospital gift shop was still open,
and yes, it did sell flowers and a variety of headache medicines. She bought a
packet of aspirin for Sandi. Tiffany liked orchids, but she was going to have
to settle for white carnations, which was all that the shop had left. Tiffany抯
room was number 348, and she could have visitors. To Quinn抯 vast relief, she
did not see any dogs in the lobby.
Unfortunately, Quinn realized she was developing a headache just as bad as
Sandi抯. She bought another packet of aspirin and took them with a drink of
water from a fountain. Pressing her fingertips to her temples to lessen the
pain, Quinn made her way back to the lobby. Sandi was not there.
Oh, right, Quinn thought, she was going to get a snort in the car and
then come in. Maybe I should抳e done that, too. I feel so rotten. She
pressed her nose against the large window overlooking the parking lot, searching
for Sandi抯 blue car. After a minute, she spotted it at the far end of the lot.
She waited for Sandi to finish her snort and get out, all the while thinking
unkind thoughts about her best friend, who was no doubt feeling a hell of a lot
better than she was at that moment.
Her resolve to avoid two more little white lines held out only thirty seconds
longer. 揙h, screw it,?she muttered at last, and she headed for the revolving
door.
*
Sandi flinched in her seat, feeling the blissful explosion of light and energy
blast through her head. Her headache was gone in an instant. Taking that
extra-large hit of coke was the ticket. The rush flooded down into her body,
and for a few moments she lay back in repose, relieved that the pain was gone
and she could get on with her business. She found refreshing ideas popping into
her head about what she would say and do when she saw Tiffany, and all the news
she had to tell her. This was the right way to do it.
Sandi felt pressured to get going, so she threw everything into her purse, even
the empty packet of white powder from her other shoe. Too bad for Quinn,
she thought. She should抳e hung around for her share, but I drove here so I
deserved the extra snort. I抣l give her more tomorrow to make up for it.
Sandi fumbled with the car door, thinking she was moving much faster than
usual, which was great except that it was hard to keep up with things.
As she got out of the car, her mind rapidly filled with images of things she
wanted to do tonight once she got home, starting with a Fashion Club review of
all the hot styles from the last six months and a review of everything that
would be in style for the summer and the next school year. She shut the car
door and began walking toward the Cedars of Lawndale entrance. The second she
got home, she would call up all the top designers and get their opinions on
future fashions right over the phone梬hy didn抰 anyone ever think to do this
before?梐nd maybe she could even talk one of the hottest designers into letting
the Fashion Club jet over to Europe or New York and get their own private
showing. It would be easy! Sandi grinned at her genius as the spring air washed
over her. She fanned her face. Strange that it was getting warmer out so
quickly.
This idea about jetting to Europe桺aris, it had to be Paris梬as really the best
idea Sandi had ever had. She was sure of it. She抎 be put on the covers of all
the teen magazines, instantly famous. She抎 have to get some good photos taken
of her for the publishers to use, of course, and buy a ton of new clothes. Had
to be done right away, tonight, but she could handle it.
Sandi raised a hand to her head. That damn headache was coming back, probably
from the heat. The heat was incredible now. Maybe the headache would just go
away梟o, it wasn抰 going away. Sandi shivered. It was roaring hot out梟o, it
was her skin that was roaring hot梑ut she was also chilling to the bone,
freezing right there in the parking lot under the bright sunlight of May. This
is crazy! she thought. Do I have the flu? What抯 happening? In
moments, she heard her pulse pounding in her ears, louder and louder and louder
until it drowned out every other sound. It was very hard to think about Paris,
very hard to think about anything at all except the horrid pain in her head and
her flaming skin and the unstoppable shivers in her muscles and bones, and now
her stomach felt really bad and she was breathing much too fast.
Sandi staggered toward the hospital as she rubbed her aching temples hard with
both hands. The agony in her head was pounding in rhythm with the thundering in
her ears. She began shivering so violently she could barely walk, yet her
entire body was on fire, radiating heat like yellow lava. Sweat ran down her
face and dripped from her hair. She stopped and leaned against a parked car to
keep from falling as she shook uncontrollably from head to foot.
Fear rioted inside her. She knew she was terribly ill, but she didn抰 know why
or how or anything else except the immediacy of her danger. Her vision was
turning gray from the intolerable stabbing of her headache, but she saw Quinn
running toward her, running for her like mad up the aisle in the parking lot.
Sandi raised a hand to hail her, then grabbed at her abdomen. An unpleasant
lurch of her stomach signaled extreme distress. No no no no God don抰 let me
throw up in public no please NO?/i>
Sandi doubled over and vomited on the pavement as hard as she could. She coughed
and hacked and fought for breath, then vomited again and again until she was
empty and thought she would vomit up her insides if she did it once more. She
was hunched down now, one hand holding on to the bumper of the parked car and
the other hand clamped to her forehead to keep her brains from exploding. She
sobbed and gasped for air, and she struggled to stay balanced on her feet and
not fall down. It then came to her that she might be dying.
Helpless with terror, Sandi Griffin raised her head to see Quinn Morgendorffer
reaching for her, shouting her name. Help me! Help me! Sandi thought,
and she tried to say it, tried harder than anything to say it, but a sun-bright
bubble of pain blew up in the back of her head, a blood vessel rupturing among
the neurons that controlled her respiratory system, and her lungs stopped and
it was suddenly impossible to breathe.
*
Screaming Sandi抯 name, Quinn grabbed for her friend, but Sandi twisted in her
arms and fell backward, her body straightening out like a board before rolling
and thrashing on the asphalt in violent convulsions. Quinn quickly knelt beside
her, heedless of the filth, and she tried to steady Sandi抯 seizure by holding
hands with her. Sandi gripped back with terrific strength, pulling Quinn toward
her chest. Her convulsions became less dramatic, but now she was rigid,
trembling and straining, her face turning bright pink.
Quinn realized then that Sandi was trying to breathe. She couldn抰 imagine what
had gone wrong, and she had no idea of what to do about it. She had a sudden
mental image that in holding Sandi抯 hands, she was trying to pull her free of
an infinite and lightless abyss. Stay with me! Quinn cried without
words, gripping Sandi抯 hands. Stay with me! Breathe, Sandi, breathe, for
God抯 sake! Breathe! Breathe with me! Why won抰 you BREATHE?
Sandi抯 face turned brilliant red, her mouth open and her terrified eyes locked
on Quinn. Through their hands they became a single being, hearts beating in
perfect time, focused on escape from that abyss梑ut even as she pulled with all
her might, lifting Sandi抯 upper body clear of the pavement, Quinn knew her
best friend抯 life was slipping through her fingers, and she knew no way to
stop it. Sandi was dying right in her hands. Sandi抯 face turned purple as she
fought for air but found none, and then her face turned black, and Quinn
screamed and screamed as she had never before screamed in her life.
At a moment Quinn could not pinpoint but knew instantly when it had past,
Sandi抯 struggle to live peaked梐nd failed. The blackness in her face faded to
a waxy, yellowish tone. Her rigid muscles softened. Her hands eased their death
grip on Quinn抯, and her body slipped back to lie flat against the ground, her
head cushioned by her thick brown hair. Sandi Griffin抯 dark eyes stared into
the infinite vault of blue above her, and she did not move again.
In the background were shouts and footsteps running toward her. Quinn heard
nothing. She put her arms around Sandi and lifted her just enough to hug her.
Quinn held her best friend in her arms and kissed her still face and wept, as
Sandi cooled in the sun of a beautiful May afternoon.
Chapter Twelve
Monday, 5:44 p.m.
[phone rings two times]
STAFF: Cedars of Lawndale
cafeteria, Carol speaking. May I help you?
PATIENT: [slowly] Yes.
I抦 in room three four eight. Please send up an order of no-fat,
vegetable-substitute chicken salad and a glass of skim milk at six o抍lock.
Thank you.
STAFF: Excuse me, ma抋m?
PATIENT: [slowly]
What?
STAFF: Are you a patient
here?
PATIENT: [slowly] Uh .
. . yes?
STAFF: Okay, you have to
discuss changes in your meal menu with your doctor. Another department handles
that. This is the public cafeteria. We don抰 deliver meals directly to
patients?rooms from here.
PATIENT: [slowly] Oh.
[pause] What if I was visiting?
STAFF: Ma抋m, I抦 sorry, but
you need to talk with your doctor about your menu. You might be on a special
diet, and we抮e not allowed to interfere with the meal you抮e prescribed.
PATIENT: [slowly] Oh.
[pause] How incon . . . inconven . . . that sucks.
STAFF: (brief laughter) Well,
maybe. Listen, people who are visiting can come down to the cafeteria and pick
up an order that they can eat in your room, if the doctor doesn抰 mind. Do you
get my drift?
PATIENT: [slowly] Oh.
[pause] So . . . if I抦 not staying long, could I still be a visitor?
STAFF: [pause] Can I speak
with someone there in the room with you?
PATIENT: [slowly] I抦
alone, I think. [pause] Yes.
STAFF: Are you on some kind
of special medication?
PATIENT: [slowly] My
diets are always special.
STAFF: [sigh] You抣l
have to ask your doctor. I抦 sorry, but we can抰 help you.
PATIENT: [slowly] Oh.
[pause] Can you send my doctor in?
STAFF: Ma抋m, just push the
button on the remote by your bed. Do you see it?
PATIENT: [slowly] Oh.
[pause] Thank you.
STAFF: Bye. Jeez, some
people. [click]
PATIENT: [slowly] Goodbye. [click,
then several more clicks] Hello? Can you send my doctor in? [pause]
Hello? [pause] Hello? [pause] Must be broken. [click]
Monday, 8:03 p.m.
[phone rings four times]
AMY: [soft jazz music in
background] 慙o? Mike?
DARIA: Aunt Amy?
AMY: Oh! Who梠h, fiddle
diddle. Wait a minute. [music shuts off] Damn it.
DARIA: Amy? Are you okay?
AMY: I spilled m?drink.
S抩kay, clean it up later. Whozis?
DARIA: This is Daria.
AMY: Oh, Daria! Wassup?
DARIA: [pause] Am I
interrupting something?
AMY: No, no. I was . . .
sitting around. Like always. Tryin?to unwind.
DARIA: Are you drinking?
AMY: A li抣. Don?worry 慴out
it. Wassup?
DARIA: Amy, I need to talk to
you. It抯 an emergency.
AMY: Um . . . how bad of an
emergency?
DARIA: It抯 really bad. Look,
maybe I should call you tomorrow.
AMY: No, I抣l be at work all
day. I have to go in early for a meeting. You wan?me to talk to your mom and
get you outta trouble?
DARIA: No, it抯 not like that. Things are really bad here. Something terrible happened to Quinn. One?o:p>
AMY: She wore colors that clashed? Neon and?o:p>
DARIA: Amy, no! One of her
friends died!
AMY: Oh. Um, I抦 sorry. Sorry
to hear that.
DARIA: Her friend overdosed on cocaine and died while they were together this evening. My problems don抰 amount to anything compared to that, but it抯 a nightmare here, and we need your help. Tomorrow, could?o:p>
AMY: Cocaine抯 bad. I抦 a
martini person, myself.
DARIA: Amy!
AMY: Daria, you don?have to
yell! Look, I抳e had a really rotten day梞ake that a rotten month, thanks to
the damn layoffs and alla work I got dumped on me, and I抦 prob抣y gonna lose
my job if I don?get in early and kiss somebody抯 butt梐nd I抦 a li抣 drunk at
the moment. I抦 smashed, actually. I抦 sorry to hear 慴out Quinn抯 friend, but
I don?know what else I can say. Isn抰 your mom there? She could help you. Helen
should be all over it. She still married to your dad?
DARIA: Amy, we need your
help! Everything抯 just梚t抯 just?i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>damn
you! What抯 wrong with you? Why did you have to get drunk now, tonight?
AMY: [pause] I felt like it, I guess. I just needed to unwind. Sorry I couldn抰?o:p>
DARIA: [click]
AMY: 梑e more helpful with .
. . your problem. Hello? Daria? Are you still on? [pause] What was that all
about? [click]
Monday, 10:47 p.m.
[phone rings one time]
DARIA: Hello.
TOM: Daria?
HELEN: Hello?
DARIA: I抳e got it, Mom.
HELEN: Oh, sorry. I thought
it was the police again. [click]
TOM: The police? Daria, is
everything okay there?
DARIA: Forget it. Why are you
calling?
TOM: I thought it would be
better if I called instead of driving over.
DARIA: You were right about
that.
TOM: Listen, I came by your
school today to talk to you for a few minutes, but your principal, Mrs. Stalin,
said I couldn抰 pop in because of some school policy change. Then she said you
had just broken up with your boyfriend and probably wouldn抰 want to talk to
anyone right now. I asked her what she was talking about, and she said you抎
been going out with Jane抯 brother, Trent. [silence] Daria?
DARIA: What?
TOM: What was that all about?
DARIA: [pause] We
broke up.
TOM: What, you and Trent? You
broke up?
DARIA: [pause] Last
night.
TOM: What?
DARIA: Tom, I was seeing
Trent while I was seeing you, too.
TOM: [pause] Daria,
what條isten, I don抰 understand. You were dating Trent? How long was this going
on?
DARIA: Oh . . . two weeks.
TOM: Why did you do this?
DARIA: [pause] Because
I loved him. I thought I did, anyway.
TOM: But what about me? Us?
DARIA: I dunno.
TOM: You don抰 know?
DARIA: Yeah. [pause] I
dunno.
TOM: Well, if this is what抯
going on, you抳e been seeing someone else, then I don抰 think we should see
each other anymore. Daria, I can抰 believe this! How could you?
DARIA: [pause] Eh.
TOM: That抯 it? That抯 all
you have to say? No cynical remarks, no clever wit, no Daria Morgendorffer
sarcasm? Just 慹h?
DARIA: [pause] Yeah. [pause]
Tom?
TOM: What?
DARIA: Next time you抮e
slamming it to Jane, try to think of me while you抮e doing it, would you?
TOM: What?[pause]
What are you talking about? [pause] Daria?
DARIA: She told me.
TOM: [pause] Told you
what?
DARIA: She told me today
about you and her.
TOM: [pause] Jane did?
DARIA: See you at Bromwell,
Tom. And pack your long underwear. I hear it抯 cold up there. [click]
TOM: [pause] [click]
Monday, 10:55 p.m.
[phone rings twenty-one times]
JANE: [loud alternative
music in background] Yo.
DARIA: Hi.
JANE: [loud alternative
music in background] Oh. Wait. [pause, music shuts off] Okay.
DARIA: [pause] Good
one, today. Right on target.
JANE: Okay. [cough]
Anything else?
DARIA: [pause] No.
JANE: Okay. Um, no walkie
together to school again, I take it.
DARIA: Correct.
JANE: You know, I walked you to school last year after?o:p>
DARIA: You shouldn抰 have
done that.
JANE: [pause] Ah.
Yeah, I can see that.
DARIA: Why did you do it,
then? I don抰 see how you could梠h, never mind.
JANE: Why抎 I do it? [cough]
DARIA: [pause] Yeah.
JANE: [pause] I don抰
know. I didn抰 want to be around you at first, you know, but after a week, I
was too lonely. I hated myself for doing it, going back to you, but I really
wanted to see you even if you had kissed him. I could kinda convince myself it
was all just a mistake. And梉cough]梐nd then, when I realized it wasn抰
a mistake, I sort of wanted to prove that I was above it, that we could still
be friends and do things together even after that, but . . . after a while, I
realized it wasn抰 working. I wasn抰 above it. I wasn抰 big enough to get over
it. It didn抰 work. [pause] I wanted something more.
DARIA: And today you got it.
JANE: Yeah. I did.
DARIA: I see. I see it, now.
Right on target. [pause] Seventeen days.
JANE: What?
DARIA: Seventeen days of
school left before we graduate.
JANE: Oh. I wasn抰 counting.
[cough]
DARIA: I am. I can抰 wait.
JANE: I know that feeling,
amiga.
DARIA: Don抰 say that word to
me. Don抰 you ever say that word to me again.
JANE: Um, sure. But I know
that feeling. One year ago. I still remember it. You抣l remember it, too.
DARIA: [pause] Yes.
JANE: Okay. [pause]
That抯 it from me.
DARIA: And me. Goodbye, Jane.
JANE: Goodbye, Daria. It was
good while it lasted.
DARIA: No, it . . . [voice
breaking] Goodbye. [click]
JANE: [pause] [softly]
Goodbye. [pause] [click]
Monday, 11:01 p.m.
[phone rings seventeen times]
JANE: [loud alternative
music in background] Yo.
TOM: Jane? Look, why did you
tell Daria about us?
JANE: [pause, music shuts
off] [cough] Get an interesting phone call? [cough]
TOM: Why did you do it? Why
did you hurt her?
JANE: [weak laughter]
God, Tom, you kill me.
TOM: Jane, I want to know!
JANE: You are such a梉cough]梥uch
a . . . you don抰 get it. You never did.
TOM: Get what? Did you do
this on purpose?
JANE: I can抰 believe Fielding is letting you graduate. Jeez, you抮e dumber than our quarterback. [cough] You start messing around on me with Daria, now you抮e messing around on Daria with me梬hat does it take, Tom? What does it take to get through that lead-plated concrete skull you抳e got? You think?o:p>
TOM: Jane, you didn抰 have to
tell her anything!
JANE: Shut up and go to hell!
Why do you think I handed you a little nookie in the first place? Do you know
why, Tom? I fed her back what I got a year ago! I spilled the beans a little
early, so my bad, but she had it coming! She got what she needed to grow up!
She won抰 pull that crap again, no matter where she goes or who she抯 with.
She抣l probably never date again anyway. That would be like her. She抣l be a
bitter, hardened recluse and die alone. I know it. And you helped, you stupid
bastard.
TOM: I . . . I can抰 believe
you抎 do this. This isn抰 like you at all.
JANE: [pause] You
never did really know me. She got to know me, Daria did, but she screwed me
over anyway. I don抰 know which of you two is dumber.
TOM: You set this whole thing
up to get back at Daria.
JANE: No! I set this whole
thing up to get back at Daria and you! I can抰 freaking believe you抮e
graduating high school.
TOM: Cut it out!
JANE: No, you cut it out! You
know what I was planning to do to you? You remember what I told you about
Alison?
TOM: [pause] The girl
with HIV.
JANE: Yeah. One of her old one-nighters was in Leeville a month ago梩hat artist, Dotson. I thought about seeing him and giving a freebie from me, just so I could pick up something and give it to you. Only I?o:p>
TOM: You did what?
JANE: I didn抰 do it, you
moron! I only thought about it! I didn抰 do it. You抎 just turn around and give
it to Daria anyway, and I didn抰 want that.
TOM: What? Isn抰 that what
you really want?
JANE: No. I couldn抰 do that
to her. She doesn抰 deserve it. You might, though. And you know what else? You
know those brownies I made for you a few days ago? Trent knows some guys who
deal, you know? You could have been eating black-tar heroin brownies. That
would have been great! God, I would have loved to have seen your ass crawling
around my door, begging for another one! I would have loved that! [laughter]
TOM: You抮e crazy. You抮e totally?o:p>
JANE: No, I抦 just sick of you! You抮e not even a good screw! That I do know. You suck in the sack, Jack. But I gotta tell you, your sister, Elsie, she抯 something else. I never thought I抎 try that, doing another girl, but lemme tell you, Elsie is hot. You remember that night last month when you came back from seeing Daria, and Elsie and I were laughing it up in the kitchen? Guess what we were eating before you got there? Come on, Tom, guess! Oooo, she is sweet, Tom, she is?o:p>
TOM: [click]
JANE: 梛ust the sweetest . .
. thing. Hello? Tom? Are you still there? Do you know what I like best about
you, Tom? You抮e gullible! You抣l believe anything! I love that
about you. I do now, anyway. You抮e going to choke on that one for years. [cough]
That was a good one, Jane. Mister Garden Gnome says you get another toke for
that. [click]
Chapter Thirteen
Stacy Rowe sat on the family room sofa with the curtains drawn, the sofa
pillows piled around her like stones in a burial cairn. It was Tuesday morning.
Her mother was a receptionist for a local church, and her father was in Alabama
until the weekend on business. Her mother would not be back until late. It was
quiet in the house.
Only Stacy抯 head from her nose up showed over the cairn of pillows. She had no
interest in the television, quadraphonic stereo, or anything else in the room.
She was barefoot and wore an old pair of jeans she used only when her parents
made her do yard work. Her yellow t-shirt, also for yard work, came from a
church picnic in which Stacy ran a game booth for children. She wore no makeup,
nail polish, jewelry, or perfume. Her pigtails were undone, leaving her brown
hair loose and uncombed to the bottoms of her shoulder blades. Her thoughts on
this dreary, sunny morning were of Sandi抯 death and Quinn抯 suffering, and her
inexcusable failure to prevent either.
Her gaze went to the coffee table, piled high with fashion magazines to which
she had a personal subscription. She couldn抰 imagine now what good they had
ever been. So many other things in the world were of so much greater
importance, things so simple and basic she could hardly believe she抎 missed
them before now: life and death, love and friendship, responsibility梐nd the
consequences of an irresponsible impulse, multiplied to horrifying levels and
then multiplied again, and then again.
At the core of her bleak thoughts, she was accursed beyond measure for not being
there for Quinn or Sandi. She knew now that when she attacked Alex, she lost
her chance to go with the other girls to see Tiffany at the hospital, and thus
prevent every part of the tragedy that followed. Ted had called at eight the
night before to give her the news as well as his heartfelt support for her,
which Stacy felt was gravely misplaced. She slept only three hours that night
and awoke feeling she抎 had no rest at all.
The living nightmare only continued. Ms. Barch phoned that morning to tell
Stacy of her fate in the educational system: she would not be expelled, but
only because Ms. Li felt Sandi抯 death had been enough of a black eye for the
school. After her suspension, Stacy would be entered into special classes and
would remain on probation for the remainder of her time at Lawndale High,
facing the juvenile justice system for any further acting out. The news of
Linda Griffin抯 arrest for cocaine possession did not trouble Stacy overmuch,
but poor Tiffany, still in Cedars of Lawndale, had not been told until late in
the night what had happened. She had looked forward to a visit from the rest of
the Fashion Club, and her suffering was Stacy抯 fault as well, as was the
torment of the three girls?families and Stacy抯 own parents, and everyone at
Lawndale High School, and everyone everywhere connected in any way with the
disaster that was Monday. It was a miracle to Stacy that God had not yet taken
the time to strike her down, though perhaps 搈iracle?was the wrong word. That
she lived was to her a greater punishment than death. There was no relief from
the shame and guilt, nor would there be for the rest of her life, and likely
not even afterward.
Under this colossal weight, Stacy lost all will to do more than breathe. She had
not showered and thought she smelled worse than a locker room, but it seemed
fitting that this be so, so there was no point in cleaning up anyway. It would
make her look better than she deserved.
A car drove by on the street, the bass rumble from its stereo vibrating the
windows. Stacy thought about Quinn and wondered what she was doing, how she was
handling things. She tried to imagine the hell through which Quinn had gone,
but it was too far beyond her experience to grasp, and she knew it. She felt a
dull, aching impulse to cry, but she was worn out with crying in the depths of
her grief.
If I had only known, she thought for the thousandth time. If I had
only known this would happen梑ut I should have known. I should have been ready.
I should have behaved differently. If I had, I would have saved them. Now they
are lost, and I am lower than damned. She looked down at the pillow on her
lap, studied the weave of the fibers, then let her gaze wander slowly around
the darkened room to the framed landscapes, the stylish bookcases, the
off-white shag carpet, the ugly wire sculpture of a bird that her mother bought
at a yard sale and placed over the fireplace mantle.
It occurred to her that she had never really thought out the consequences of
loving Quinn. It had been a secret love, something she could romanticize as she
liked because it never had to face reality. It was a fairy tale, like fighting
dragons or rescuing maidens. Real love had to do with being honest and open with
your beloved and with other people, and dealing with real-world things like
parents and schoolmates and jobs and money (always money) and screwing up and
making good and forgiving, arguing and connecting, everything the fairy tales
left out. Why had she not considered that? Could a fairy tale love survive the
bruises of real life? It was mortifying that she had held on to her dreams of
Quinn for so long.
She wondered for a while if she was being divinely punished for her love of
Quinn, but this made no sense and she abandoned the thought. That so many
should suffer for such a small thing was an affront to her view of world and of
God. Her parents were liberal in their attitudes, though Stacy had never wished
to test the limits of their tolerance with an admission of her own feelings.
She did not believe God particularly cared who she loved, so long as she
devoted herself to doing the right thing in any circumstance. It was
responsibility that interested God, and her ability to live up to it.
Being responsible, she knew, was what she had failed to do, which is what led
to this pit from which she would never escape. It was not even possible to pray
for forgiveness. To even think of doing that was a presumption against the
powers of righteousness and justice. There were some acts to which forgiveness
did not apply. This was her life, as it was now, forever.
Stacy buried lay on the sofa for several hours as all of this passed through
her mind. In time, she became restless. Her lack of sleep made her
uncomfortable no matter what she did. After the rumble of a truck passed
through the house and all was quiet again, Stacy pushed the pillows aside and
arose from her burial place. She looked around at the pillows fallen on the
floor, and she was in the process of listlessly putting them back on the sofa
when the doorbell chimed.
Stacy looked at the front door without interest. It was probably her mother,
who never liked digging out her house key from the chaos inside her oversized,
unfashionably bulky purse. Stacy walked to the entry hall and turned the
doorknob without bothering to look through the peephole and see who was on the
other side.
When she opened the door, her dead heart jumped.
Quinn Morgendorffer stood alone on the front steps of the Rowes?home. She wore
sneakers with no socks, blue shorts, and a pink t-shirt with a butterfly on it.
Her orange-peel hair was tangled. She had no makeup on, and her sun earrings
had been removed. She stood with her arms hanging at her sides and her lifeless
eyes peering at Stacy through the veil of her uncombed bangs. If Stacy had had
little sleep, it was clear that Quinn had had none.
Stacy dropped her hand from the door and stared. She did the first thing that
came to her mind, the thing she had wanted to do most for years.
揑 love you,?she said.
Quinn made no sign at first that she heard. After a moment, however, her eyes
watered, her face crumpled, and she threw her arms around Stacy and wept.
Stacy put her arms around Quinn and hugged back so tightly there was no room
between them. She became instantly aware of how fragile and small her beloved
felt in her arms, aware of the tears soaking into her shirt and the smell of
her beloved抯 hair and skin, aware of how warm her beloved抯 body felt pressed
against her own, aware of how terrible it was to think things like this at such
a moment.
And she was aware above all that what happened next would either save or
destroy the person she loved most in the world. It seemed that destroying her
beloved was the likeliest outcome, given the infinite damage she had already
done. All she had to do was to be careless once, and it would happen.
She did the only thing she could think of to do.
揅ome on,?she said, and she led Quinn inside and closed the door.
*
Quinn told Stacy everything, between periods of sobbing and silence. She lay on
the sofa, covered by an afghan, with her head on Stacy抯 lap facing across the
room. The pillows were thrown on the floor. Except for Quinn抯 voice, it was
quiet in the house.
Quinn told Stacy what happened when Sandi died, how the emergency-room doctors
tried to bring her back but could not, how Sandi抯 mother collapsed in the ER,
how her father and brothers cried as they clung to each other, overcome with
horror. Quinn told how she lied to her hysterical parents and the grim Lawndale
police about her own involvement with drugs, out of miserable terror of being
sent to jail. She talked of the guilt she felt for lying and for not staying
with Sandi and stopping her from doing more coke, her guilt for leaving her
best friend to die in a hideous way, just because Quinn was tired and didn抰
want to walk across a parking lot. She talked about all the things Sandi said
and did that day, what it was like to be Sandi抯 best friend and to have Sandi
as a best friend, and what it was like to hold Sandi and watch her die.
Stacy listened and stroked Quinn抯 hair with one hand, holding both of Quinn抯
hands in front of her with the other. Quinn became calmer as the hours passed,
her voice lower, her tears fewer, and her manner more weary and depressed.
揑 don抰 know what to do,?Quinn whispered. The sun streamed in the dining room windows next to the family room. Where Stacy and Quinn were, it was still dark. 揑t抯 so terrible I can抰 stand to think of it. I feel so bad about what happened, watching her and holding her, and I can still see her like it抯 happening now, but I feel even worse because . . . this is so awful I can hardly say it, but I have this urge桰 feel like I need to take more of . . . more of that coke. I can抰 stop thinking about it. It抯 killing me that with everything that抯 happened, even after all that, I still want it, and I feel so terrible I can抰 even describe it. I抦 scared to death of what it will do to me. I think I have that withdrawal thing, where you can抰 stop wanting it no matter what, and it抯 messing up my mind so much I can抰 think straight. I抦 scared that this will get worse and worse and I抣l go crazy, I抣l do anything to get it, but if I do, it will kill me just like . . . I抳e never been so scared of anything in my life. I don抰 know what to do or who to tell.?o:p>
Stacy silently stroked Quinn抯 hair and ran her fingers down her cheek. She
knew more about her beloved now than she ever had, and her fairy tale image of
Quinn was burning to ashes. Quinn stared across the room and said nothing for
perhaps a minute.
揑 don抰 know if I抣l ever be happy again,?she said. 揑 feel like all the joy I ever had in my life is gone. I feel like I抦 empty inside except for wicked, worthless things. I抦 so tired and scared, and I wish I was dead.?o:p>
Don抰 wish that, thought Stacy, don抰 ever wish that. She stroked
Quinn抯 hair and said nothing.
揑抳e lost everything. I lost Sandi, I lost my life, and I think I抳e lost the person I might have loved. I don抰 know what to tell him. Skylar抯 tried to get me to talk about it, he抯 been so good to me, but I can抰 talk to him. I can抰 talk to anyone about it.?She sniffed. 揌e said he would do anything to help me, anything I asked. I really want him to help, but my life is so awful I could never face him to talk about it. I抦 afraid he抎 tell me he never wanted to see me again. He抯 the only guy who ever listened to me, the only one who liked me for who I was, but I don抰 know what he would do if he knew what really happened, that I was doing stuff with Sandi. His half-brother抯 a narc, and I抦 scared he抣l find out about me, and then I抣l go to jail. I probably belong there. I know I do. I抦 such a coward, and my best friend抯 dead because of me, and I don抰 know anymore why I抦 still alive.?o:p>
Quinn抯 voice became thick, and her face reddened again. 揑 thought Skylar
could be the one for me. I really thought he was the one. Now no one will ever
want me, no one will ever love me棓
She closed her eyes and shook. Stacy felt tears soaking into her jeans under
Quinn抯 head. She pressed her free hand to Quinn抯 head, holding her hands with
the other, and listened to her beloved cry.
Her beloved who would never love her back.
I抳e lost the person I might have loved. Stacy抯 heart sank. Quinn
wanted Skylar, not her. Guinevere had chosen Arthur and not Lancelot. The ashes
of the fairy tale became dust and blew away.
She will never love me. Stacy stroked Quinn抯 long hair with an
automatic hand. But why did I ever expect that she would? Why did I think I
deserved it? All this happened because of me, because I failed her. What else
can be done to me now, God? What else am I to bear?
When her sobbing eased, Quinn took her hands from Stacy抯, wiped her face, and
rolled her head to look up at Stacy. 揇o you think I should tell him??she
asked.
Stacy was numb. Her life no longer had meaning, but she answered anyway. 揧ou mean, tell Skylar the truth??o:p>
Quinn nodded.
Stacy looked away and meditated. 揇o you think you could hide what happened,
all the rest of your life??she asked.
Quinn thought, sniffing, and shook her head no. She turned her head and looked across the room at a bookcase. 揑 don抰 think I could ever hide it, even if no one else knew. Could you??o:p>
Stacy shook her head. 揘o.?o:p>
Quinn swallowed. 揇id you ever have a secret you couldn抰 tell anyone??o:p>
Stacy was not prepared for that, but after a moment she nodded. I wanted for
years to tell you I loved you, but now I抳e done that, so it抯 not a secret
anymore. You didn抰 understand what I really said, but at least I said
it.
揥hen I was a little kid,?Stacy said softly, 揑 always wanted to grow up and be a knight梐 knight on horseback, riding around doing good deeds, like in fairy tales.?o:p>
Quinn looked up at Stacy in surprise. The ghost of a smile curved her lips. 揂 knight like in storybooks? I can抰 believe that.?o:p>
揑t抯 true. I wanted to fight dragons and rescue maid梡eople.?Stacy coughed. 揜escue all kinds of people. Be heroic and brave. That抯 what I always wanted to do.?o:p>
Quinn turned her head away again. 揧ou mean like yesterday, when Alex . . .?o:p>
A stab of pain went through Stacy. 揧es, like that,?she replied.
Quinn was silent for a few moments, and then said, 揟hank you.?o:p>
Stacy looked down. 揊or what??o:p>
揊or protecting me from Alex.?o:p>
You have no clue what you are saying, no idea at all. 揧ou抮e welcome,?Stacy dully whispered.
揂re they梬hat抯 going to happen about that??o:p>
揟o me??o:p>
揧eah.?o:p>
揙h.?Stacy sighed. 揗s. Barch called about it this morning. I抦 suspended, and Mom has to come in with me when I return on Friday.?She paused, wondering when Sandi抯 funeral would be, wondering how she would handle it, how Quinn would handle it, how they would live through it. She shook herself. 揝orry. Then I have to see Ms. Barch about a special program. I didn抰 get what she was saying, but I think I have to go to classes after school and learn how to deal with people without using violence.?o:p>
Quinn looked puzzled. 揃ut, you抮e never violent. I mean, except for what happened, but I can抰 believe anyone thought you were, you know, dangerous or something.?o:p>
I destroyed so many lives in one day抯 time梙ow could you even think that?
揑t was enough. I think the program Ms. Barch wants me to go to is a
martial-arts class to learn self-control, some kind of棓
Quinn looked up from Stacy抯 lap. Her face showed animation for the first time that day. 揧ou抮e kidding!?o:p>
揘o, really. I didn抰 believe it, either. Ted taught me棓 Stacy stopped
herself, but it was too late.
揟ed? Ted DeWitt-Clinton? He taught you martial arts??o:p>
Stacy turned a little red. 揧es. That抯 what we抳e been doing all this time when we were supposed to be dating. We weren抰 doing anything but practicing throws and holds and stuff we got out of books.?She hesitated. 揜emember when I came to school two months ago and I said I ran into a door at home, when my eye was swollen and looked so bad??o:p>
揧eah??o:p>
揑 got that from wrestling with Ted. His elbow hit me in the eye. He felt really bad about it, but it wasn抰 any big deal. It was just an accident.?o:p>
揧ou are so kidding me. I thought桰 thought you and he were, you know . . .?o:p>
Stacy slowly shook her head. Careful, careful. 揘o, we抮e just friends. We were always just friends. He knows a lot of unarmed defense techniques, and he showed me how to do them. It was sort of fun. He said I was doing okay with it.?o:p>
揌uh.?Quinn looked thoughtful. 揘ow I know how you whipped Alex like you did. I couldn抰 believe it.?o:p>
Stacy winced. 揑 don抰 want to think about that too much. He was Sandi抯 cousin, and I don抰 want to think of what she thought of me for doing it.?o:p>
Neither said anything for a long moment. 揑 have to tell you,?said Quinn, 搕hat Sandi . . . she was glad that you did it. Maybe that wasn抰 right, but she really was proud of you. She said she wanted to promote you in the Fashion Club. She never liked Alex; he was always bothering her and making fun of her, and sometimes he hit her. She was glad you did what you did. He deserved it.?o:p>
So I did what I did, and Sandi is dead as a result. I can抰 take too much
more of this, God. I really can抰. Please help me. I抣l have to leave Lawndale
and move away from my beloved, to save us both, but I can do it. I have too
much to bear. Hear me, God. Please help me.
揑 miss her,?said Stacy, and she was surprised that after all the years of abuse
she抎 taken from Sandi, she really did miss her. Sandi could be loving as well
as dominating, and she cared about her friends and they knew it even when she
was being a pill. The world was empty without her.
揑 miss her, too,?said Quinn. She slurred her words. 揑抦 so tired. I couldn抰 sleep at all last night, and I抦 so tired.?o:p>
揧our mom and dad know where you are??o:p>
揧es.?The slurring became pronounced. 揇ad抯 home today in case I need him.?Quinn appeared to be on the verge of sleep, but she roused herself for a moment. 揧ou抮e right,?she said. 揑抣l talk to Skylar and tell him the truth. I can抰 live with this by myself. I want him to help me, and I think he can. He might call here or come by after school today. I抣l go home with him.?o:p>
The pain in Stacy抯 heart redoubled, but she fought it back. 揙kay,?she said, and then she asked a question before she thought it through. 揥hy did you come to see me??o:p>
揥hy you??Quinn抯 voice was slurred again. 搼Cause I knew I could talk to you. I knew you would listen.?o:p>
揑抦 glad you came,?Stacy said, though it hurt.
They were quiet together for several long minutes. Finally, Quinn roused herself again and said, 揚lease don抰 leave me.?o:p>
揥hat??o:p>
揚lease don抰 leave me. Please help me. I really need you.?o:p>
揑 will,?said Stacy, holding Quinn抯 hands and stroking her hair梐nd then she
saw it all. It came into her mind as clearly as sunlight. She saw her path.
You seek an end to your suffering, but there is only one path to that end.
You must bring the one you love up from the bottom of her life and carry her
into the light again. You can do this only if you never waver in your love for
her梤eal love, not fairy-tale love. If you waver, if you turn away from her but
once, your beloved will perish, she will die and you will watch it happen with
your own eyes, and the hell you are in now will seem like paradise in
comparison.
Do only this, and you will save her梑ut you will never have your beloved for
your own. She will not love you as you want, but she will reach the light again
and live in peace, in her own way.
Do this, and she will be saved, and you will be redeemed.
Do you take this path, Stacy Rowe?
揑 love you,?said Stacy. The words stabbed into her heart, but Quinn was already asleep in her lap and did not hear. 揑 love you. I will do it.?o:p>
She laid her head on the back of the couch. The tears fell like rain. She kept
completely still as she wept so her beloved would sleep, but she ached with
pain so great it seemed she would explode.
Stacy would take the path and save Quinn.
She was, after all, a knight, and a knight never fails her beloved.
*
Author抯 Notes: In August 2003, WacoKid proposed an Iron Chef
contest on PPMB in which each story had to use of one of the following 揟op Ten
Things That Never Happen in Daria Fanfics,?a list created by Mike Yamiolkoski.
(The number order here is reversed from the original.)
This story was my entry, published in a less edited form on PPMB. The story
used all of the above points, in addition to several other 揟hings That Never
Happen in Daria Fanfics?from a related thread on PPMB抯 Creative Writing
forum. New never-happened ideas were contributed by WacoKid (揂 new character
with a complex and potentially dangerous past shows up in Lawndale, yet this
character抯 own story doesn抰 take over the lives of the regular Daria
characters? and Ned (揌ow about Daria has sex with either Tom or Trent, and it
turns out they抮e utter **** in bed??. WacoKid抯 idea, of course, was merged
with one of Mike Yamiolkoski抯 ideas (揂 new character shows up, makes a few
sarcastic remarks, and is immediately rejected by Daria and Jane as a poseur?.
In addition, Kemical Reaxion added 揙ne of the characters goes through a
traumatic, life-altering event that, instead of making them a better person,
causes them to become a bitter, hardened recluse,?and Brother Grimace added a
never-heard conversation: 搼B(tài)ut, Aunt Amy-!?慖抦 sorry, Daria. I don抰 know
what to say. Sorry I couldn抰 be more helpful with your problem.挃 Thanks for
partial inspiration for Chapter 13 goes to Kara Wild, for Wild抯 First Law of
Daria Fanfic: 揑n the world of fanfiction, Jane抯 work is always brilliant (and
leads to her becoming famous) and confessions of lesbian love spur the object of
desire to respond in kind.?This was in PPMB抯 揊un with Daria Top Ten lists!?thread. Reversing these two laws led to two important developments in this
story. Thanks all!
In addition, I added my own list of never-happen things, but rather than list
them here, I will let the readers find them on their own. 8)
Original: 10/7/03, modified
04/07/05
FINIS